From Lover to Friend…Back to Lover?
Welcome to August, everyone! Home of some of the most punishing New York City weather imaginable. I look forward to that lovely, humid feeling of “having been shoved inside a dead body” with great eagerness. As we end the week, and start the month, let’s see if we can’t help Martha get her groove back. And by “groove” I mean “boy.” And by “back” I just mean “back.” Here goes:
Hi Jeff (it seems that all great guys are named “Jeff”!),
Well, obviously I agree, certain members of the Dahmer family notwithstanding.
I need a manslation on my man, who started by doing all the very right things: met him at a party, he asked for my number, called the next day, invited me down to his ranch.
Sure, of course. That’s what I’d do. Of course, I don’t have a “ranch” per se. Although my apartment building has “roaches” which, I suppose I could rope ‘em, saddle ‘em up, and just herd the hell out of ‘em if I wanted to.
I wasn’t sure I was into him and was unattached to the outcome.
Always a good way to do anything, I’d say.
He kept calling and we went slowly: walks, skis, time spent at his house and mine.
…long sunset strolls until the roaches come home, sure, we get the picture.
My intrigue with him grew quickly, and in a month I was ready for anything, and let him know. We began a gorgeous, intimate relationship, very romantic and it all appeared to be rather perfect, for about 2-1/2 months.
Uh-oh.
Very suddenly, as if by light switch, the sun set. I’m the same, but he withdrew big-time…. got quiet, didn’t call or write those poetic and alluring messages, became extraordinarily busy with everything but me.
Crumbs. Another unsinkable relationship smacks into the 3-month iceberg…
I have given him a major amount of space, and not pressed for answers (despite all the advice of girlfriends). I finally wrote him a handwritten letter to let him know that I care about him but I would prefer honesty to nothingness. No response.
Ouch. Well…I mean, on the bright side, you gave him two options and his response was in the top two. Yeah, there’s not a great way to “bright side” that one. That is just nothing but lousy.
Somewhere in the last two months, he came over for dinner, was romantic and we spent an amazing evening together. I thought we were back to where I wanted to be. But, more silence and busy-ness. He most recently helped me get an amazing bicycle for an amazing price, and even paid for part of it… but lately, it feels more like “friend” than “friends and lovers”.
Or “friends with benefits such as humping and/or bicycles” which is a label that somehow never caught on. Strange, that.
What, prey tell, could be going on? Is he on a long time-out? Or a permanent time-out? Is there a way to turn it around and get back on track?
Thanks for any perceptive insights!
Dear Martha,
Well, the prognosis isn’t a definite bye-bye, but it’s not great either. The thing that I wonder about most of all is that letter you sent that got NO response. Like, not even when you got together, got romantic, bought a bicycle, all of this happens — but NO mention of this communication? Not good.
This reminds me of how I used to respond to chore requests when I was a kid. It went something like this:
“Maybe if I’m really quiet, this question will never have happened, it will all go away and I won’t have to deal with it.”
And lo and behold, it sounds like it WORKED for him. Actually, as I recall, it worked far more often than I could believe. More than “never” certainly.
Martha, I can’t be sure, but the timing seems awfully familiar to me. That timeframe of just about 3 months is a very treacherous area for many relationships. Dudes are suddenly asking the question:
“So, er, are we like a REAL couple? Am I all done, and she’s it? Is that it for me? Do I WANT it to be it for me?”
Lots of times these aren’t even conscious thoughts. It’s just a vague sense that something’s maybe amiss. Now, if he’s psyched about the answers to those questions, well, you sail right through. If not, he sometimes suddenly vanishes out of sight, like Wile E. Coyote when he ran and ran and ran, only to find that for the past little while, he wasn’t running on anything at all. Poof.
Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s out for good. (The guy, not the coyote.) But it’s obviously not a great sign for the moment.
IS THERE A REVERSAL PROCEDURE HERE?
I’d say there IS a way to do this, but ONLY if he’s interested in it, obviously. And by that I mean that if he’s decided he’s out, there’s nothing you can do about that. You can’t (and don’t want to) change his mind.
Unfortunately, I don’t see a way to know where he’s at without actually asking him. I’d give him one more shot, if you’re up for it. You might mention, “You know, you never responded to that letter I sent you. Can we talk about that?” Now, this will cause him to panic inside. I just dropped a deuce in my pants typing it. Obviously if he had WANTED to respond to it, he would have. But too bad — you want to get into it, so get into it.
Don’t get caught trying to “convince” him of anything certainly. I’d just say to let him know what you’re looking for, and what you’re getting, and what he thinks about all of that. I’d say to let him know in no uncertain terms that if he’s not interested, hey, let’s go with that, fine. You’re NOT looking for him to give you the “right” answer. Just the real answer. Cuz if he’s a normal dude, he’ll be looking for whatever will end the conversation the fastest.
When all else fails, though, remember the manslator’s golden rule. Whenever there’s any conflict between what he says and what he does, always, always ignore what he says. His behavior says that “busy-ness” is more important than “you.” Give him a chance to rectify that if you want to. But don’t let him talk you into the idea that it’s ok as it is. Because it ain’t.
Good luck, Martha!
What do you see here miladies? Is this one salvageable?
Posted: August 1st, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from KC
Time August 1, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Hey Martha,
Been there – done that. The 3 month itch stinks – this happened to me too, but at least the guy I was seeing had the common courtesy to break up with me, instead of just drifting away slowly. Here’s my take on it: you need to ask yourself whether or not dwelling on this is in your best interest. In the end, no matter what happens, can you trust that this guy isn’t going to do this again 6 months down the road? A year? 10 years? You need to ask yourself what you’re looking for in life, and whether or not you’re willing to settle for someone who’s obviously not 100% into you. A guy who adores you would not behave that way. Are you willing to let him back in your life and potentially have to deal with this again down the road? (Once you’re way more attached?)
So in my mind, what’s the best way to proceed? Move on and don’t look back! You’ll feel stronger & empowered after doing so! The “ball” is in your court and you have the ability to place value on your own future happiness or your own present comfort. Choose yourself – put your own happiness first. If you stay positive, don’t let this get you down, and shrug it off as “his issues” – you’ll meet another guy in no time. Don’t let it get you down. Consider this a lesson learned and be excited that you’ve been given another chance to find your “great love!” I kid you not, after my 3 month dump, I met a SUPER fantastic guy a month later!! Now I can’t even believe how much time I waisted with “Mr. I don’t know what I want guy” You go girl!!
Comment from DC
Time August 1, 2008 at 1:57 pm
KC I completely agree with you. I’m actually in the mist of such an issue now. Except when I met this guy he approached me by asking if I wanted swim lessons.(saw me struggling in the pool). The fact that I wasn’t a swimmer and somehow convinced myself to do a triathlon …I excepted happily. At some point, all of our pool time (totaling 6/8hrs per week), in bathing suits and close contact, I couldn’t help but wonder….even though I new I was just too pretty for this guy…he turned out to be really nice…we found a lot in common and began making personal calls for reasons which had nothing to do with swimming/training. Our conversations would last 4hours and on…against my better judgment.. Anywho, in only the last few weeks, he seem to be in withdrawal mode. I pretty inclined to the emotions of others so I probably picked up on it faster than the average gal. This prompted me to start a convo about how I prefer to be on the same page with people…I never like to impose….and it’s just better to at least be in the same book of honesty because I can handle it and it’s what I would do for others…. He thought that was impressive, but as of last week his behavior still has not reverted back to that of when we first started seeing each other… He’s now too busy to even talk and is at the point where he says…oh can I call you back…and of course doesn’t call back….totally not his normal behavior… Anywho, I left him a message telling him that I needed space because I’m feeling a little out of balance and a bit uncomfortable with the way things were going between us. Of course, he was offended….but I figure, he knows exactly why I’m uncomfortable…although he asked…I said I’m not quite sure and I just need time and space to think about… So now, he’s waiting on me…Ha Ha Ha…LOL….But, since we’ve both figured that we’re not ready, I’m sure he won’t wait long.. I figure his behavior wouldn’t have changed, and I know i don’t want anyone who can’t be honest about it…so this is not about what he wants out of me…it’s about what I want out of the person that’s right for Me..
Hope this helps, Martha
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 2, 2008 at 12:45 am
Dear Martha: Am thinking that the question is *how to turn it around*. The answer could be in whatever the transactions were immedately before that “dinner” with desserts.
You2 had some piecemaking without conversation about The Letter because Mr. TwoParts “somewhere in the last 2 months came for dinner”, etc.
Okay…Back Then-at-Dinnertime, U discounted His no-response as one o’them HIS issues. Consider whether some change happened [inside U!] or stuff was merely backburnered. That’s then His prob, barely Yours–unless U’re smitten!
BTW: There’s a real-life woman named Grace Miltenberger profiled in Reader’s 2008Digest who exemplifies Begonias as Begonias. Manslating Her Guy, possibly=mission impossible!
Silly or Sanguine, perhaps unvarnished man/woman upfrontness may be gained quicker if a relationship-wanting Girl shows up for the first date in gown&veil with maids in tow [credit for that notion goes to LilyT or GildaR]!
Love’s fieldwork can be in separating the serious from the idle. At minimum, gaming would be impaired—if impaired gaming is preferred. Take that letter out & read it 2gether.
IF honesty is a shared desire, none of us can err by being honest [Tip o'Hat 2DearJM] It’s an allweather friend, but IT isn’t a *cure-all* for all involved if undesired. It seems wise in Her case here to be honest with Self & with Him, especially so that some of yesterday’s “Tayna” issues don’t play like prophecy for Her, or for Him.
Ms. Martha, Your Heart can be sufficiently peaceful even in worse event, so–throb onward being honest!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 2, 2008 at 4:38 pm
All Dears: Exact whereabouts of above-cited Ms. Miltenberger & Her 4evrGuy==Readers Digest, February 2008, Page 117.
Read, Sniffle, & Cheer!
Comment from DEE
Time August 4, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Martha ….. at the end of the day if he’s not Mr Right – he has to be MrWrong …. and all the time you are wasting valuable emotional energy on Mr Wrong ….. Mr Right will not reach you.
Relationships are like buing a pair of soes – the ones we sometimes like just don’t or won’t fit ….. no matter how we try! If you try to make them fit they will just end up hurting you …. go find a shoe that fits!
Comment from Melissa
Time August 6, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Martha, my response is similar to Dee’s….
There are only two responses that you should accept from this guy at this point:
1) YES, Let’s go!
2) NO, I’m just not feeling it.
TOTALLY unacceptible is “Maybe, I just am not sure what I want…but I sure have no problem with you waiting around, spinning your wheels while I grow up…in my time frame, of course, whilst I enjoy my cake while I eat it, thank you very much!” When someone truly doesn’t know what they want, they can’t appreciate the quality right in front of them. So give him the gift of missing you.
And I agree with Jeff, it was Totally Rude for him to ignore your letter or make reference to it when you did get together. Seriously……
Comment from Terry
Time August 1, 2008 at 10:07 am
Your advice is dead-on, Jeff.