What are Guys Thinking in Friends W/Benefits Scenarios?
We’ve got a logistics question today from Jen, who can’t understand how a dude can like you, be attracted to you, but not, like, LIKE-like you. How is this possible? I think I can help. And so I shall, so I shall…
Hi Jeff! I really love your site–very hilarious and also very insightful. I have a question for you that’s probably one of the oldest ones in the book.
Well, the book is, as yet, not released, so you’ll have to wait until January to find out for sure. So I can neither confirm nor deny what is the oldest question, you know, IN it. Let’s see…
Here goes: Can a guy be both (a) attracted to you and (b) really like you as a person and enjoy spending time with you, but (c) have no romantic interest?
Yes.
I know the answer’s yes…
Well, then I just wasted three letters and a period, didn’t I?
…but I just don’t get it. If I’m attracted to someone, then there’s automatically some romantic component to that (even if it’s pretty shallow). If I also love hanging out with them, there’s a substantial romantic component. Seems like it doesn’t work that way for guys.
Not necessarily, no. For many guys, we don’t necessarily assign any more “meaning” to sexual attraction than the attraction itself. Or the sex either. For many guys, these things are what they are.
My situation is that I have this guy friend. We get along amazingly. Same sense of humour, same taste in music, books, etc. We have these nights where we just sit and talk and talk and talk. I know that he really likes me as a person and enjoys spending time with me.
Uh-huh. All sounds hunky and/or dory…
A couple of times, things have gotten physical & that felt really great and sort of natural too (at least for me). And I can tell that he’s physically attracted to me–we definitely have chemistry. But I can also tell (or I think I can) that he’s not romantically interested in me. What’s up with that? According to your two-question test, his actions show that he’s both trying to spend time with me and trying to get laid. But it’s like the two have nothing to do with each other.
Well, the second question is a little more than just spending time — it’s really about “does he want to integrate you into his life?” As in, does he want to spend time with you, in his normal life, as a couple?
Like I’ve been friend-zoned despite the physical side of things. I could understand it better if I was really conventionally unattractive, but the truth is that I’m not.
Well, I’ll have to take your word for it, but you certainly type purty.
Based entirely on physical appearance, between the two of us, some people would even say that I’m out of his league.
No comment here other than the fact that I did a spit-take when I read it.
So…my question is what goes on in a guy’s head in the “friends with benefits” scenario?
Dear Jen,
Ok, here’s the thing. there are plenty of these situations out there. I’ve been in several of them myself. Well, not BY myself, I mean, there was a woman there too. You’re with me, right? Great. So here’s what it is:
LIKE VS. LIKE
For a lot of guys, there may be NO relationship between the following things:
- Wanting to hump you
- Wanting to hang out with you
- Wanting to make you his girlfriend
Now, ideally, any man you are actually going to “date” must have all three of these things cooking to some degree, right? But they are not necessarily interconnected. For example, plenty of men can:
- Have sex with a woman they actively dislike
- Want to date a woman, but don’t feel WILD sexual attraction for her all day long
- Want to pal around with a woman, want to sleep with her, but know that they aren’t “couple” material
Sounds like you’re in that third category.
In the “Friends w/Bennies” category, it’s this: He finds you attractive, and he likes you as a friend, someone to hang out with. But he, for whatever reason, doesn’t see what you have as a real “match” — i.e. a reason to restrict himself to only you. This is where I’d say the “chemistry” thing isn’t happening for him. You appear to have sexual chemistry and friend chemistry, but not love chemistry. No way to explain why or how. It does seem to jibe with what he’s doing, though, right?
BUT…I’M HOTTER THAN HIM!
I have no doubt, and it doesn’t really relate here. Men don’t fall in love based on how a woman looks. No, I’m serious. We don’t. Sure, that’s how we pick who we want to do sex upon. Well, we don’t necessarily limit our desires to that group, but that’s definitely a biggie.
The point is this, even the hottest woman in the world doesn’t necessarily have her pick of quality love interests. Only quality lovers. As in, sexual partners. And yes, the hotter the woman, the easier it will be to sleep with a wider swath of the male sex. And probably the female sex, if she happens to swing that way. But that says nothing about who is going to actually fall “in love” with her.
VERDICT: LIKE, WANT, BUT NOT LOVE
Sounds like you are, as you say, in the Friend Zone. And also the Hump Zone. But not the Love Zone. I think Meatloaf said it best: two out of three ain’t bad. Well, maybe it is pretty lousy in this case. If it ain’t enough for you? I don’t likely see it changing. I’m not familiar with anyone moving their dude from one of these categories to another. The best you can do here, I believe, is to know what YOU want, and decide if what you’re getting is it.
Good luck, Jen!
What’s your experience here, ladies? Ever had a friend w/bennies? What was the deal there?
Posted: August 4th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Eric the BeehiveHairdresser
Time August 4, 2008 at 9:28 am
I saw a Verizon guy during the Mets game on Saturday night who looked like he was about to give a Manslation.
WTG Mac!
Comment from Angie
Time August 4, 2008 at 11:04 am
So…I’m guessing once a guy places you in the “friend” zone, that’s where he’s going to keep you? Recently, a guy friend of ours started dating a girl friend of ours, and they just got married. They’d been friends for over 6 years, and never dated each other, even though they dated other people. What’s up with that? Like Debra, I thought if they weren’t interested in the girl at the beginning, then she’d been placed in the “friend” zone, to stay there.
Comment from Jen
Time August 4, 2008 at 11:15 am
Thanks Jeff! That was very helpful. I just have one question though. In the last paragraph, you said that the situation was unlikely to change. But it sort of feels like it HAS changed since I sent in that question. First, the guy and I basically started spending every waking hour together. We became sort of crazy close. And the benefits started changing too…like sometimes we’d just cuddle all night, and talk, and hold hands. Do you think i’m kidding myself? do you think it’s possible for a guy to initially just want friendship, but then to realize down the line that he wants more? that’s definitely the vibe i’m getting, but i’m scared that i’m just setting myself up for a huge disappointment.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 4, 2008 at 11:35 am
debra: Yeah, it definitely does happen — though I agree with you that if it DOES, it’s time to bail.
Eric: Thanks, man!
Angie: I should amend that to — if a guy puts you in the Friend Zone, you’re unlikely to change his mind. It might change, but there’s not much you can do ACTIVELY about it, you know? Sounds like it developed that way on its own, right?
Jen: Same as what I said to Angie. I don’t think there’s a course of action you can take to MAKE a guy move you from one zone to the other. But it sounds like this guy might be changing on his own. The only way to tell whether or not he’s on the level is to look at his actions. Before, it sounds like his actions said, “Friends w/Benefits.” The question now is, what are his actions telling you? Sounds like there’s been a shift for him.
Comment from dadshouse
Time August 4, 2008 at 1:48 pm
“Want to date a woman, but don’t feel WILD sexual attraction for her all day long”. – I’m a guy, and I can’t believe this actually happens. If it does, ladies, head for the hills. Guys think about sex. A lot. If he’s not thinking about it with you, then what gives?
“Have sex with a woman they actively dislike” – that sounds creepy.
I’m not a big fan of friends with benefits – the friend part speaks platonic, and the benefits part is the opposite of that. Why not just be in a relationship?
On the other hand, I do partake in my share of booty calls. The difference? We get together for great sex, but we don’t hang out as friends. It’s totally respectful, I tend to stick with the same lover for a while. Why not get into a relationship? Sometimes we just don’t click – we have different values, goals, likes, interests. But the sexual chemistry is definitely there.
And, once again, why not just get into a relationship? I’m a single dad, and while parenting is very rewarding, it does make dating more complicated. I have dated post-divorce, and it worked for a while. And in between relationships, booty call partners are a godsend.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 4, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Dear dadshouse—Congrats on being “totally respectful” , writ with a smile, EVEN! Godbless AND continue sending your “booty call partners”! Cheers 2 relationshipping filled w/ well-done OohLALA!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 5, 2008 at 9:01 am
Dadshouse: Complete agreement. Heading for hills and creepiness are, I believe, the exactly right responses there. (But they do happen, creepy or hills-heading or not.)
And for what it’s worth, I’ve never been any good with “Friends w/ Benefits” either.
mmagnolia: Cheers for that, indeed!
Comment from Melissa
Time August 6, 2008 at 1:02 pm
That’s why it’s best to apply Shakespeare time and time again, “To thine own self be true”. You have to decide the most optimum situation for you, and stand your ground. Do not bend yourself like a pretzel to someone else’s agenda cos you’re lonely, or cos you think your “flexibitity and open-mindedness” will cause him to fall for you. While s/he may very well like that behaviour from you, it won’t make them like YOU any better. When you start becoming/doing all for the other person, you lose yourself and become less interesting in the process. (To yourself as well, I might add.)
If some guy/girl is looking for the 7-11 version of relating to the opposite sex, that’s fine…as long as it’s clearly spelled out from the beginning. You have to respect where they are at the time. And, equally as important, they have to respect what your standards are.
I know alot of men who would prefer having a girlfriend vs. friends w benes, so I’m not bagging on guys here.
Angie, the scenario you described about the two friends getting together differs from Jen’s cos initially they were clearly friends, and once there was a shift both parties decided to go in the same direction and explore the possibility of a future together. My husband and I, for example, were close friends for 3 years before we got together. We met in a singles group and all became very close. He always liked me, said he knew I was “it” for him from day one, but was just very shy at the time and shared that he felt intimidated cos alot of the guys in the group liked me. I should add that alot of the girls liked him, as well, to be fair 
Jen, know what you want when it comes to male/female relating and don’t settle for anything less. You’re worth much more than that.
Comment from elianna
Time August 6, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I see this type of situation as different, in some ways, than a true ‘friends with benefits’ scenario. I’ve been in this kind of situation also – there’s real chemistry, friendship – but there’s the missing central piece – whatever ‘it’ is that makes the love bond.
To me, friends/w/ben has instead much more a sense of physical closeness and emotional separateness.
I get the sense that if Jen & her guy never got physical – there still would be a connectedness there – different than f/wben -just not 100% ‘coupleness’.
Not sure if any of this makes sense …. but I relate, and think this is something slightly diff than a more straightforward fwb arrangement…
Comment from The Exception
Time August 8, 2008 at 7:48 pm
It is difficult for me to look at an FWB relationship because isn’t it like any other relationship in that the people involved are the ones who set the terms and call the shots?
It sounds like this guy is more interested in being with Jen now… maybe the timing was just off before. So much of it comes down to timing and where each person is in their lives.
I have done the FWB thing – the love is there, the friendship is there the chemistry too… it is that the timing is off. That said, I tend to agree with Dad’s House, if all the factors are there, why not just have the relationship? Unlike DH though, I can’t do the booty call (I have tried) simply because the mental connection isn’t there. I like the friendship so…
Comment from Laura
Time August 13, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I had exactly the same situation recently (it lasted about 6 weeks). I could not tell if it was because I was leaving town, or because the guy wasn’t “really” interested. Either way, I agree with Jeff. Guys really don’t seem to move from one category to the next. Better let this bite the dust. Besides, he’s a loser if he’s that confused. (You’re hot, he likes you, he’s attracted to you, and you have a good time together. But he doesn’t want to be with you!? (seriously, I don’t get it either).
Comment from thaiyellow
Time August 15, 2008 at 4:16 am
i recently found out that the man i was into just wasn’t into me that way, despite the friendship chemistry, his body language and our high level of intimacy (emotional).
However, we are so tight as friends and I would have this any day over any type of physical relationship.
It is such a good feeling to know that he trusts me and cares for me as a person, and wants to spend time with me and share his life with me- without sex coming into the equation.
I know when I travel I can just knock on his door/phone or skype anytime, and that I can just chat with him as a friend. It is so rare for me to be able to have a relationship based on friendship with a guy-that we can play golf for 7 hours getting drunk (we snuck in the beer) and that our attraction for each other does not get in the way of the friendship.
It’s also sweet when he chooses a romance movie to watch together before he leaves the country. I am not “long term” material for him in terms of romance, but I am proud that he sees me as a person to turn to when he just wants to share of himself, or to be there for me when I need him.
Now that’s love 
Comment from Lindsay
Time August 6, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I have a similar situation to dads house. I have seen a guy twice for sex, nothing more. We get on great, he tells me he likes me and then we have time apart due to him working away. He has gone on holiday for a month and I have not heard from him since the day he left, 2 weeks ago. I texted him that day and he texted back to say he missed me and would email later, but he never did. I didnt buy the miss you thing,I know he didnt mean it, but thought he said it to keep me sweet so we could carry on when he got back. Now I am wondering if we will just pick up where we left off when he gets back? Do guys think like that? He is away having a good time, no chance to see me so no point in texting, but when he comes back despite it being a month of no contact will he get in touch again? Strange that he didnt email me, but if he was hoping this long break would cause it to fizzle out, why say he missed me and why text back at all!?
Comment from Cherell
Time May 3, 2010 at 10:35 am
Thanks for the valuable info for a middle aged woman likes.
Comment from debra
Time August 4, 2008 at 7:55 am
Jeff, Can you clarify this one? “Want to date a woman, but don’t feel WILD sexual attraction for her all day long”. Seriously, this happens? In my experience, most men are expecting fireworks to come shooting out their eyeballs almost immediately upon meeting a woman. If that chemistry isn’t there, it’s time to move on, quickly.