Why Would He Go Back to that Awful EX?
Bobbie’s got an issue with her would-be man. He just can’t reach escape velocity from his nasty, old ex. Why, why, why would he dump HER to go back to the devil herself? Let’s see what we’ve got here…
Why does a man love a woman even though she is cheating on him left and right….and he knows it! I’ve been a very great girlfriend to him….given him more than he’s gotten from her…..as well as other woman. Why would he want to dump me to go back to her? They do have 2 kids.
Dear Bobbie,
I wish there was some way to make this make sense. I know it doesn’t. Look at all of the awful-yet-decidedly-unsingle people in this world. How in the holy hell do these people find partners who are willing to deal with their unholy crap? More specifically, why would this man you’re describing do it? Here are a couple of possible reasons:
- HE’S ALL TWISTED UP ABOUT HER: Hey, there are plenty of people who stay in the most obscenely abusive situations imaginable, right? Just look at all those women (and some men) who come into work with a black eye and a story about how they walked into a door. Why on earth would they stay? And it’s not always fear for their safety if they leave. Sometimes people just stay where they’re getting mistreated like crazy because it feels like home. Or like they don’t deserve better. Or maybe he just can’t quite believe that someone like him could ever get out of such a poopstorm.
- SHE’S CUNNING: This goes hand in hand with the other. Usually when one partner treats the other one like a puppy treats the New York Times, the poopee is often being expertly manipulated by the pooper. I mean, this must be true here. She’s got to know how to push his buttons. Maybe he’s a sucker for a guilt trip. Could be anything. But I’d be willing to bet that she works him like Frank Oz worked pre-CGI Yoda.
- BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW: Some guys would rather stay in something consistent — even when it sucks — than strike out into the great unknown. I’ve certainly been guilty of this in the past, staying where I’m not even wanted until long, long after I should have known better. I’m not dumb either. But there are those blind spots…
- THOSE TWO CHITLINS: This could be a big one. And it could work in congress with all of the other reasons. She could be using them to keep him. He could feel like he can’t possibly leave them, even if by staying he’s setting them up for some serious issues. And dysfunctional or not, a wife and 2 kids might feel consistent enough that he feels “comfortable” there, even if not happy.
The bottom line, Bobbie, is that he chose this woman for a reason — maybe even before she became the horrorshow that you describe. She obviously has some kind of a hold on him. He either believes her “I can change” nonsense that she is surely pulling on him, or he just needs to stay with her, even though he’s pretty sure she’s never going to change.
Again, I wish I could explain why a man would go back to such a situation. I can’t. And even more unfortunate, I can’t give you any insight as to how you might break this cycle for him. If he really does know all that you say he does about her…well, he’s made his informed choice. His dumb, dumb choice. And even if you could convince him to leave, it wouldn’t stick. He needs to either make that decision himself, or it ain’t happening.
Good luck, Bobbie. I’m sorry this guy can’t seem to see you for a better option than this wife-mare of his. But I certainly believe that there are men who will.
Any insights on such a man, ladies? Why would this guy leave something good to go back to something so bad?
Posted: August 7th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Heather
Time August 7, 2008 at 11:49 am
I echo Jeff and Tasha’s responses. I had a fella tell me once that he didn’t deserve all the good stuff I was offering (like affection, warmth, caring). He spent so many years being miserable in an “I won’t give up” relationship, he really didn’t think he deserved any better. I also think the drama was attractive to his personality and I was rather boring.
Good luck Tasha. It’s hard to understand, but everyone must take their own path and the best we can do is lovingly let go. Trying to hold on is just too painful and frustrating.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 8, 2008 at 12:09 am
Dear Bobbie:
[1] Condolences, but expect a sliver o’silver, somewhereabouts! The ‘why’ of Your Mr. Would-Be’s turnaround is probably an Unknowable. Sometimes, it’s difficult for any of us to define EVEN our own ‘whys’ !
[2] Having a peek at His ‘How’ in romanceLife is a good thing. Surely, You wouldn’t want Him playing pendulum with Your heart. Yep, indecisiveness can be more lethal than arrogance, especially in this Lovebusiness!
[3] Here’s a scope on what CAN be…….Continue to practce Your sweetness of Being & Loving. Bouquets of Blessings 2U!
Comment from Jeanette
Time June 20, 2010 at 9:25 pm
My ex did the exact same thing to me. He left me to go back to his abusive ex. And they have 2 kids together plus she has other children. So some men are gluten for punishmen and idiots..
Comment from Helsta
Time November 28, 2011 at 4:27 pm
I think Jeff is 100% correct about this. I began seeing a guy, and things were going really well, but then he met up with his ex and decided that he “had to be with her”, despite the fact that they had broken up a number of times before, and that she had some kind of “issues.” When I asked him if he was happy about the situation, he said he wasn’t, but it was almost as though she had some kind of unbreakable hold on him. Frustrating, but in the end it was his choice, and nothing I can say will change his mind. Doesn’t make it any easier, though!
Comment from tasha
Time August 7, 2008 at 8:44 am
Hi Bobbie,
Ahm, I have a lot of female friends who went through the same situation over and over again. And trust me its not about age. My oldest friend is in her 60s and her bf left her for his ex wife who has been consistently cheating on him with his best friend of all people. Go figure.
I believe its a matter of self esteem mostly. Some men think they deserve this treatment and they end up going back to really abusive people. Its the same with women. A lot of us, go back to the ex old boyfriend sometimes destroying perfectly functional relationships. We dont know why we are doing it.
It could be the drama he is getting out of all this. Some people are addicted to adrenaline, the constant “not knowing what is going to come next” and they mistake this perennial roller coster for love. And when they find a healthy relationship and a great girlfriend like you, they get bored, or they dont get the exhitement they used to get and so they think there is something wrong. They are used to the cheating and the manipulation, but this is not healthy! And in my view, whatever the reasons this person is so used to being mistreated that he could simply NOT recognise what a catch you were and what he is missing.
Finally, I believe that some men want to get even. They dont know they are doing it, but its like telling themselves “if I could just have another chance with this woman, I would change her and make her love me”. This seldom works.
I wouldnt be surprised if he came back to you after a while. But in my opinion you should really cut your losses now and look for another person who will totally appreciate you.
All the best