manslations

A reader named Rebecca is having some mixed feelings about a guy who she’s been electronically communicating with for over a year. Here are a few excerpts of the request (full text at the end.)

Eventually he transferred to a different division of the company, but we’ve kept an ongoing conversation through email for almost half a year.  We’ve moved beyond being polite, although it hasn’t evolved to anything vulgar.  We tend to make allusions to our bodies but they’re always sarcastic — I tell him I look like a fifth grader, he tells me his stupid nickname for his abs.

Side note — it’s not fair to just leave us hanging like that, Rebecca. He has a nickname for his abs? And you don’t tell us what it is? What could it be? (I’m pulling for “Lawrence” but whatever will be fine.)

I’m scared because I’m trying to be clever for the Southern boy…but I don’t give a damn about how I come across to my boyfriend.  Boyfriend travels a lot due to work and frankly, I’m sick of him being away and I’m losing hope that we can maintain the status quo.  I mentioned to my boyfriend once that I had this correspondence with the Southern boy and boyfriend now mockingly refers to “Johnny Reb,” even when we’re not arguing.

Yikes. Ok, so now we’re seeing where the “mixed” part of the mixed feelings comes in.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is: Would a (straight) guy with completely friendly and innocent tendencies ask personal questions like, where do you want to be in ten years, where would you travel on an unlimited budget, how do you trust guys like me considering all the perverts in the world, etc.?  And is it completely innocent or should I stop talking to him now, before it gets any more out of line?

Dear Rebecca,

Hm. Well, before I answer whether or not it’s “innocent” I think you don’t seem 100% clear that you WANT to stop before it gets out of line. Just an observation.

Onto the manslative portion of the response…

WOULD A STRAIGHT GUY ASK SUCH QUESTIONS IN TOTAL INNOCENCE?

Let’s take a look at them one by one:

• Where do you want to be in ten years? Well, maybe. It certainly doesn’t seem like he’s pushing you towards dangerous waters. That said, I’m not sure why he would really give a crap where you’re going to be in ten years if he didn’t have at least some kind of an interest. I mean, personally, I’m not all that interested in hearing about where my pals think they’ll be in ten years. Or what kind of a tree they’d be if they were a tree. Or if the color that I see as blue is the same as…you know. That said, it’s obviously fun to just jaw away with someone you like. There’s no smoking gun here, though.
• Where would you travel on an unlimited budget? This one just seems like a fun thing to talk about with someone you like. Again, I don’t know that it’s a solid piece of evidence either way.
• How do you trust guys like me with all the pervs in the world? Ok, the needle definitely just jumped a little on that one. Not because of the question, but the premise itself. As in, what are you “trusting” him with, exactly? Seems like there may be more going on here than you’re telling us.

VERDICT: A LITTLE SMOKE, A POTENTIAL FIRE

What I’m seeing here, Rebecca, is two people who like talking and sort of semi-flirting. Seems like that must be happening at least a little on both sides. It doesn’t sound like it’s gotten out of control, certainly. But there’s a little somethin’ somethin’ in it.

And again, you don’t seem to be 100% against the idea. For example, you don’t seem to have found some clever excuse to drop the phrase “boyfriend of 3 years” into your communication. Wonder why not? It’s easy to do if you want to…but you don’t. In your question about this guy, you bring up seemingly irrelevant information about your dissatisfaction with said boyfriend, and a little annoyance at his nickname for Southern Boy. Veeeerrrrrrry eeeeeeeenteresting…

Good luck, Rebecca. I don’t know if there’s real potential there with Southern Boy, but it certainly seems like he’s interested in you in SOME way, or why bother with all of this attention in the first place? The question is, what do YOU want to do?

How do you see this situation, ladies? Is this guy innocent and friendly, or something more?

——————————–

(full text follows)

The last two weeks have been very confusing for me and I could use an impartial opinion on this one, which is so stupid I’ve been beating myself up over it.

I work for a multinational company that requires a lot of over-the-phone interaction with people — clients mostly, but also with people in other offices.  I’ve managed to establish a rapport with a handful of people who work the same evening shift I do; we complain about how slow the nights get sometimes, what we’re listening to, how stupid/insane/hilarious our immediate co-workers get, etc.

One of these acquaintances is a Southern boy about my age (early twenties) who initially came off as very cold.  It turned out that under his taciturn armor was a guy who I have a lot in common with, and over the course of a year our work-related calls always had a social element to them.  Eventually he transferred to a different division of the company, but we’ve kept an ongoing conversation through email for almost half a year.  We’ve moved beyond being polite, although it hasn’t evolved to anything vulgar.  We tend to make allusions to our bodies but they’re always sarcastic — I tell him I look like a fifth grader, he tells me his stupid nickname for his abs.  Most of the time he asks me what’s going on in my city or posits weird philosophical questions that make me laugh, because I’m a sucker for extremely dry humor. We exchange gossip about what’s going on in each other’s office as well.  By merit of the open office communication, I know he has a girlfriend, but I don’t know if he knows I have a boyfriend whom I’ve been dating for three years.  We have never directly talked about our significant others.

I’m scared because I’m trying to be clever for the Southern boy…but I don’t give a damn about how I come across to my boyfriend.  Boyfriend travels a lot due to work and frankly, I’m sick of him being away and I’m losing hope that we can maintain the status quo.  I mentioned to my boyfriend once that I had this correspondence with the Southern boy and boyfriend now mockingly refers to “Johnny Reb,” even when we’re not arguing.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is: Would a (straight) guy with completely friendly and innocent tendencies ask personal questions like, where do you want to be in ten years, where would you travel on an unlimited budget, how do you trust guys like me considering all the perverts in the world, etc.?  And is it completely innocent or should I stop talking to him now, before it gets any more out of line?

I should probably note that we both know what the other person looks like thanks to last year’s holiday cards from each office.

Thanks!