Separating the Manslations from the Boyslations
A quick question from Gabrielle, who appears to have caught the fancy of a young lad. Like, young enough that she’s going to be writing her next manslations request from prison, if things happened to go that way. She wants to know — is he actually interested in her? And if so, how can she let him down easy, lest the law need to get involved…?
Hi Jeff,
Mine’s gonna be really short and sweet. Just like me.
First off, really enjoyed your site, and its been very educational too.
Anyway, here’s a little “problem” i have. I met this guy about a month or two month ago. On the day we met, he didn’t have a ride home, so I offered to drive him to the nearest train station, which was on my way anyway. (BTW, before you go on a rant about giving a ride to stranger, he’s a friend of a friend, who I trust). The conversation during our little trip was casual but pleasant.
Anyway, ever since that day I’ve been receiving daily contacts from him. Sometimes, its just cute messages, sometimes he’s asking for fashion advice or some other excuse to talk to me.
Is he into me or what? Manslation please … ooo… before I forget.. I’m in my early thirties and he’s not legal yet. So if the answer to the first question is yes… How do I let him down easy… I think I need a boyslation.
Thank you…
Dear Gabrielle,
Ok, looks like there’s likely nothing much to worry about here. Let’s take the two questions one at a time because, well, multi-tasking is for sissies. (Personally, I’m barely into uni-tasking. Too much work.)
IS HE INTO YOU?
The answer is “probably.” If a guy is not legal, and he’s paying attention to you, er, he probably does have a little crush on you, yeah. The only thing that stuck out was “fashion advice.” Uh…wha? When I was an illegal young lad, I didn’t know that there WAS fashion. Was this something that you had chatted with him about before? If so, that would make total sense. He’s an awkward youngun who is looking for ANY connection the two of you might have, in order to have some excuse to talk to you.
HOW DO YOU LET HIM DOWN EASY?
You know, honestly, I wouldn’t worry about this too-too much. It’s a crush. They happen. As long as you’re not behaving inappropriately OR encouraging anything beyond chit-chat, I don’t know if there’s a huge concern. But if you really want to make sure he gets the message without hurting his feelings too badly, here are a few things to think about:
- Casually mention another dude: Could be a boyfriend, a guy you’re dating, whatever it is. Just to let him see the difference between how you see HIM and how you see someone you might date.
- Don’t complain about dating: If you get too chatty about this topic, it could leave a young, hormone-addled brain with the impression that you’re dropping a hint to him.
- Don’t respond with lightning speed: If he gets the idea that you are available at the moment he has a naughty thought…well…scratch that. If he’s under 18, each of naughty thought probably begins about 5 seconds before the last one ended. The point is, let him know by your actions that you see him very casually, and not as your closest confidant, etc. And don’t apologize for the lack of communication, or even acknowledge it. The goal here is to give him some perspective as to where he fits into your priorities. Feel free to let your response time drift out longer and longer.
Look, most young guys are in need of female attention. If you refuse to be that female attention, he’ll get it somewhere else. It might sting him a little to realize where he fits into your life (i.e. nowheresville) but obviously, that’s where he fits. It’s not going to kill him. And more importantly, it won’t land you on a list of known sex offenders. Now that’s what I call win-win.
Good luck, Gabrielle. The key here is absolute non-encouragement. Without that, this crush will starve to death without too-too much trouble.
Oh, ladies? Ever attract the wrong kind of young boy attention? How’d you nip it in the bud?
Posted: August 11th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Terry
Time August 11, 2008 at 11:49 am
Fashion advice? I’m with Jeff on that one.
Anyway, Gabrielle, you don’t need to ‘let him down easy.’ He’s underage. He knows that. Don’t let him make you the subject of a Dateline special.
Next time he contacts you, tell him you’re working.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 11, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Dears: All of the above is excellent!
BUT, let me a One who simply says to our Dear Gabrielle: Shame!
Dealing with this is simple: Nip in Bud–without sharing a ‘Bud’.
DearieJMmee–BeaucoupSmiles4 “crush will starve to death”!
Surel]y, being in the “30s” makes one responsible to be the adult when the other one is undeniably an adolescent. Yes-Yes, Ignore his OR any kiddo’s bright-eyed, bushy-tailed [figuratively speaking!] admirations of that species.
BTW: Am wondering WHY there’s any interest fromU in this child. If Loveships are lost-at-sea, hire *Escorts* w/Heavenly cheers.
Minimum: (1)You wouldn’t want some predator sniffing YOUR child [Yes, Dear Gabb--"he" IS a child]; and (2) You shouldn’t take the youngster’s ga-ga as personal ’cause to him, You are a mere port-in-storm; (3) Redirect queries2 fashion magsRschool nurse.
Never mind if IT seems harshly simple–IT is!
Happy Blessings, as YOU search for what YOU need!
Comment from Shelby
Time August 11, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Jeff is correct, however I want you to understand that you could be facing serious problems. Boys say much out of context and he may implicate you without meaning to cause you any trouble. I’m referring to the fact that he isn’t of legal age. And once a young boy with pressure from his friends says or adds to something that may or may not have happened in the first place, it doesn’t matter what you say or do. You will be viewed as guilty. You should NOT give this or any kid related to him in any fashion a ride unaccompanied. Nor should you respond to any messages or correspondence from him. Defuse the situation immediately, or else you could be facing something you might have been able to avoid in the first place all together by not responding to him. Be nice but “ghost” this child, for your own good. Immediately.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 12, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Angela: Fair question — how did we get here to begin with? Maybe our friend here gave him a little too much credit as an adult, and helped to encourage this.
Terry: Yeah, good point — no sense in getting Chris Hansen involved here.
mmagnolia: Good perspective there — looking at it as if it were your kid. Not so “cute” then, eh?
Shelby: Shelby! Long time no hear!!! And I love the “24″ lingo. Defuse. “Ghost” the kid. Gabrielle, your mission, should you choose to accept it…
Comment from thaiyellow
Time August 15, 2008 at 4:24 am
maybe part of his attraction IS that you are unavailable. i have a housemate who so enjoys flirting and telling me the most wonderful (sometimes weird) things- when I am busy working at my computer.
maybe your youn’in is like mine (he is 10 years younger)- little lonely for companionship and so wanting to just woo, but hesitant about being hurt (again) or rejected.
you may be like a celebrity substitute- be flattered and use your power wisely.
Comment from Angela
Time August 11, 2008 at 7:03 am
I think Jeff’s assessment and advice is, as usual, spot-on given the situation as it stands. My concern is with how things got to this stage. Sounds a bit like the lady asker may have been encouraging the boy to begin with, and hinting at things that she knew were inappropriate. How did he get her contact details to be sending her “daily contacts” and “cute messages”? I hope he got them off his friend, but I suspect he got them directly from her – and since they’d just met on the day in question, and assuming she was just innocently giving him a ride to the train station, why would they have exchanged emails/mobile numbers?
Additionally, I’m concerned that the fact that the male in question is underage is kind of tacked on to her request like a footnote or an afterthought. Earlier in her message she refers to him as “this guy,” “a friend of a friend.” Sounds like she considers him an equal, until that Britney-esque closing: “ooo… I forget.” Strikes me as a little bit creepy, a little bit predatory.
I hope I’m misreading this email or being overly cautious and picking up on meanings that aren’t there. But hopefully after taking Jeff’s very sound advice, she will think for the future about how to avoid similar “misunderstandings” about underage boys she invites into her car.