manslations

Howdy, loyal readers. (And also to the disloyal ones who for some reason still refuse to sign the Jeff Mac Loyalty Oath — traitors!) We’ve got a young lady calling herself angelynnlove, who has a guy who just keeps on coming back for more…misery. They can’t seem to make it work, and for some reason he doesn’t want to keep trying. I know! Weird, right?

I think angelynnlove might need a helpful nudge towards the exit ramp, ladies. Let’s see what we can see.

I met my ex when I had just turned 16 and he was 17.  We were both very in love with each other & for about a year and a half we were doing great & then a lot of stuff happened and we ended up breaking up.

Sure, you both started working for rival NASCAR pit crews, where one of the pit bosses was Santa Claus, and the other was Beelzebub, sure. Plus one of you joined the FBI and the other joined the mob. I get it — stuff happened. (Hey, that’s what happens when you leave it to my imagination, ok? I spice it up a little, give it a little pizzazz. It’s what keeps me young. That and the human sacrifices.)

Over the next two and a half years we kept in contact, seeing each other now and then, and we would talk about how much we missed each other. He was in a few relationships but nothing seemed to work out.  I was also in a few and the same thing happened, nothing really worked.

Ah yes. The old, “My current life blows…maybe if I could get into a Delorean with a flux capacitor, everything would be ok!” syndrome. Yep. We’ve all done that one. Erm, haven’t we?

I’m now 19 and he is 20, we had started dating again hoping it would be better this time and it really wasn’t. We fought constantly and did a lot of mean things to each other. We would bring up the past which caused us to break up & get back together and break up again and get back together. This process repeated itself quite a few times.

Well, if something’s lousy enough to do once, why not do it a whole bunch of times? That’s what I always say. (Man, I have just got to stop saying that.)

In this last argument he said he didn’t want to see me again. I kept telling him that “we could make things work” i was practically begging him to stay. He still said no. I asked him why and he said things like “because you’re not what I want” so I said “you don’t think we’ll ever get back together?” he said “maybe, but not for a long time, it’s going to take a while to forgive.” I tried telling him that I was ready to change & that i was really sorry & i promised things would be different. I know that I had done a lot of things wrong, and if i could go back and change things i would most certainly do so.  I’m just confused about what to do.  Every time I think he’s gone forever, he comes back and I really hope he does. What do you think?

Dear angelynnlove,

Well, let’s look at the Manslator’s Golden Rule. Whenever there’s any conflict between a man’s actions and his words, always, always ignore his words, right? So…in this situation, it appears that there is no conflict between his actions and his words. Ergo, they’re both telling you something. Check it out:

WORDS: You’re not what I want.
ACTIONS: Leaving.

No conflict there, so you can safely read them both as being true.

BUT WILL HE COME BACK?

Oh, he’ll be back. I’m almost sure he’ll come back. Again and again and again. Just as soon as he gets lonely again. Why? Because every time his life gets crappy and lonely, you and he take a VERY selective-memory-soaked stroll down memory lane, where you say the equivalent of, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, we fought, we were mean, we didn’t treat each other with respect, we were NOT good together, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Whatever. But (sigh) what if we’re The One for each other….?”

Bad, bad idea, angelynnlove. Bad mojo, bad juju, bad omen, bad news. Do NOT fall for this again. I’m not blaming him or you for this. This is both of you. And again, we all do this at one time or another.

I A-AAAAM!!! I’M A BACK…UP…MA-ANNNN! (Please, try to picture Jim Morrison singing that to the tune of “Back Door Man”, if you would.)

Lots of us keep someone as our “back up.” As in, our person with whom, if everything goes to hell, we truly believe that we could find happiness. This is almost always a crock of feces. It gets us through lonely times when we don’t quite believe we’ll ever find love, sure. But it’s still not true. It’s not real. And it’s most definitely not worth believing in it if it means you’re going to leave the porch light on for this relationship.

Know how I know this is true? Because the only time this relationship of yours works — it’s when it’s not actually happening. When you’re in it, you are mean to one another, you’re always in a constant state of breaking up. It’s no good — except when you don’t have it and want it back, at which point it suddenly becomes the holy-cow-only-love-on-earth.

VERDICT: TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD

It seems like he’s trying to break the cycle here, ang. And he’s being as brutally honest with you as he can be. He’s saying that he doesn’t want you. That doesn’t mean you screwed up, it doesn’t mean that you could “change” and become what he wants. Not at all. You’re fine. So’s he. But your experiences together seem to be telling you that you’re not the right match for each other.

P.S. THAT “MAYBE LATER” PART…

Shame on him for caving in and saying “maybe but not for a long time.” All that does is keep you hanging on. I don’t think he did it maliciously, but it has the effect of stringing you along. I’d let it go.

Good luck, angelynnlove. Remember, if you love something, set it free. In this case, however, if it comes back, it’s probably lonely. And if it doesn’t come back, remember your time as fondly as you like, but move the eff on.

What do you see here, miladies? Will this gent come back? And should she hope for that?