manslations

A reader named “Lzie” (well, either that or she had a typing incident that put L and Z next to each other. Or she might be from…I don’t know, Croatia?) is having a tough time understanding a man she works with. He talks, they send naughty text messages, they decide to give the whole dating thing a shot…but then he bails on that.

Wha happa? On with the details, I says!

Just stumbled across your site today – love it!  And now hopefully you can help me out here.  Please keep in mind that I am under no illusions as to what this guy is willing to give but damn is he ever confusing me!

I almost feel a little bad about how disappointing it’s going to be for you when you realize how embarrassingly simple men are to understand. Ah well. We’re aces at setting up stereos, so we’ve got that going for us.

Starts with – I started at my current job two years ago and the first time I saw him I immediately developed a crush.  A year goes by with him NEVER speaking to me, and I mean never… we both smoke and even if it was just the two of us out there it was like pulling teeth to get a conversation started.  Anyways at the year mark I move quite close to where he lives and so he started giving me rides home.  The rides are completely his choice, I don’t ask – he offers every time!  As time goes by we get more comfortable with one another and I start communicating (barely mind you) using other means than the rides home.

Awesome so far, if a little shy on everybody’s part. (By the way, when you refer to the “other means” of communication, just so you know, I’m picturing the two of you sending coded messages with flags. I’m a sucker for semaphore.)

So one weekend we meet for brunch (after some almost naughty text msgs the night before), he pays, we grab a tea, he pays… we hang out talking for about 3 hours or so.  As we are right by my house he asks “so is this a date?”  I didn’t go into it with that expectation and said so.  He says “you’re a sweet girl, and I think I’d be down for giving it a shot (even though one previous trial with a coworker didn’t work out for him)

Hm. Seems like he’s at least interested in humping. Maybe more, but we can’t be sure yet. But so far he’s not confusing at all. Why do I get the feeling that an ill wind is about to blow around here?

OK now I’m pretty happy about the whole thing until he tells me the next day on the ride home…”Actually I don’t think I can”.

Eh? What’s that you typed? I couldn’t hear you over the roar of that ill wind blowing.

Obviously I back off and don’t push him – we work pretty closely together and I don’t want awkwardness or drama.  A few months later I point out that his silence in the car has been bothering me and he changes his stripes – all of a sudden VERY chatty and responsive.

Wait…hang on. You’re still getting rides home after this? Wow, are you one cool cucumber. (Or zucchini, if you’re allergic.)

And then out of nowhere he asks me to join him for dinner, and yes waiting for me while I finish the errands I had.  Again he pays and we have a great time.  When I suggest two weeks later for sushi – he’s down with it, though I felt if I hadn’t reminded him he not have shown.  So THIS time – he asks if I want to split the bill.

Yurk. Uh…sure, let’s split that bill. I’ll just scrape my self-esteem off of the bottom of your shoe for a second, and we’ll be fine.

This is one of those situations where everyone around us thinks we should be together…. And they don’t know anything that has taken place!

Oh, what does “everyone” ever know, anyway? If “everyone” thought you should jump off a bridge, would you write into a website called jumpoffabridgeslations.com? Huh? Yeah. Didn’t THINK so.

So I guess my question is – What the F is he doing?  I understand that guys can get a bit freaked out when they realize they are heading down the ‘commitment’ path, but what’s with the hot and cold?  Oh Jeff please help me!

Dear Lzie,

Sounds to me like this guy is attracted to you, but not interested in actually dating you. Let’s break it down into the 2 big questions. Might he think that this behavior will:

1.)…get him laid? Sure, could be. The two of you text-flirted, went out, talked for a long time, and then when he was at your HOUSE, asked if it was a date. Erm…may I come in for some tail, madam?

2.)…further integrate you into his life? Not really. The key here is, he asked you out a couple of times, and since you’re not telling me that there’s much going on in the sex department, I’m guessing that there isn’t much going on in the sex department. (That’s how I do my guessing, ok? I guess in terms of departments.) But there doesn’t seem to be a lot of calling, wanting to hang out, wanting to spend time with you. It all feels like a means to the end of #1, yes?

And the clincher on that guess is that last “date” where he suggested that you split it. That reads to me as, “Ok, I’m not paying for any more food if I’m not getting the proper exchange rate value of food to nooky.”

Not that he would have to think you “owed” him something for the other times that he paid. I’m just saying that he likely paid those times in an effort to ease the transition from tea to smooshing up against your bod.

VERDICT: NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND

I’m sorry, Lzie, but this guy doesn’t seem to be exuding “boyfriend” vibes. He seems to be exuding, “Lzie is really hot and I’d like to mess around, sans strings,” vibes. Unless there’s more going on here that you’re not telling me, I think you can safely file this one under, “attracted, but not in love.”

How do you read this one, ladies? Any ideas on what this dude is doing?