Why Does He Always Say “I Dunno”?
Oonagh (awesome name!) has a guy who, well, he just don’t know. Whenever she asks him a question to which the answers might be, shall we say (oh, we shall) “troubling” to Oonagh, he answers, “I dunno.” She’s had it up to here with this behavior (and if you could see where I’m holding my hand, you’d know, she’s really HAD it.) What gives? Let’s see:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. However two years into the relationship he slept with someone who he worked with at the time (who I immediately was wary of when I first met her- call it female intuition!)
Funny how you can often tell exactly who you need to be worried about, isn’t it? Not, like, hilarious, you understand. I’m not saying it should start working comedy clubs on the road. Just a little funny.
I was completely devastated by it and I thought that if I took him back we could make it work. However everytime I asked him why he did it, he’d always give me the same answer of “I don’t know.”
Yeah, not a great answer, is it? I think I already know what this is. Let’s get the rest of the deets.
Almost three years after this incident, he still continues to give me “I don’t know” answers to questions like why he didn’t let me know where he was, why he didn’t call, why he didn’t come to my house when he said he would when I was waiting on him for 3/4 hours…things like that.
Ah. Bit of a trust issue between you two, eh? And how strange — he continues not to know! Well, I for one am shocked.
Recently, he started renting a room in a new apartment where he told me the rent was £… but yet when I saw the rental contract it was much more than this figure. When I asked him why he’d lied to me, he then said “I don’t know.”
WHY OH WHY does he always say I don’t know? I’m so sick of it.
Dear Oonagh,
Well, why does anyone say they don’t know? As I see it, there are two possible reasons so say this:
- They, you know, DON’T know, or
- They know, but they’re pretty sure you won’t like the truth.
Given that he “doesn’t know” pretty much every time you ask him a question about something that, from what you’re saying, he did WRONG…well, I think we can safely rule out number one. A little too much of a convenient coincidence, that would be.
Had it been only the affair, you know what? I bet one could answer that question pretty truthfully with an “I dunno” on some affairs, right? Sometimes one makes a boneheaded decision, and at the time they don’t even know why. Not excusable, necessarily, but it does happen.
However, it seems that there’s quite a bit more going on than that. Seems like he’s keeping some stuff from you, and when you ask about it, suddenly his brain wipes clean. And not in the, “I’m at Blockbuster, and I can’t remember even one of the eleven movies I’ve been meaning to see,” sort of way. More in a Lieutentant Shultz on “Hogan’s Heroes,” sort of way. I know NO-THEEEENK!
VERDICT: TROUBLE A-BREWIN’
Look, I don’t know (apologies for stealing his favorite line) exactly what he’s doing that he doesn’t want to tell you about. Neither do you. But despite what he’s saying, he DOES know. And he seems to be verrrrry concerned with telling you the truth.
“I don’t know,” is a placeholder answer. It’s what some guys will say when they hope that by saying it, they’ll make the question go away forever.
WHAT TO DO TO GET PAST IT
Honestly, unless you’re dating a 5 year old (in which case you’ve got bigger problems, I’m sure of it) it seems like you’re well justified in saying something along the lines of, “Listen, ‘I don’t know’ isn’t good enough here, and it’s hurting us. When you say that, we both know it’s not the whole truth. If we’re going to work as a couple, I need to know what’s going on.”
SIDE NOTE: YOU ALREADY DON’T TRUST HIM
Just wanted to mention — you don’t trust this man. Like, at all. You’re asking him where he’s going, where he’s been, why he was late, looking into his lease on his apartment? This is a man you flat-out do not trust. And with good reason — the man cheated on you. Seems like you haven’t quite let that go — and further, it seems like he isn’t giving you 100% confidence that you SHOULD let that go. I’d look into it, you know? Those gut feelings — I’ve been hearing some good things about their reliability, you know?
Well, ladies? Does this guy really not know? Ever had a guy use this answer? What did HE mean?
Posted: August 20th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from TJo
Time August 20, 2008 at 11:49 am
You do not live in the land of “I don’t know” same as I do not live in the land of “maybe” I’d cut this guy lose ASAP & when he asks why or for explaination say “I don’t know” was married & stayed with him for 4 years after I found that he cheated because I wanted to make it work, I did love him. It took me 4 years to figure out that once a trust like that is broken you never get it back, especially if he isn’t doing anything to earn your trust again. I’d move on to greener pastures if I were you. Good Luck!
Comment from Heather
Time August 20, 2008 at 11:51 am
I think everytime I heard that line, this guy would become less attractive. We probably all stay wrapped in someone who isn’t doing us any favours and this situation stinks of that.
Comment from Liz C
Time August 20, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Long story short, he will never ‘know’ if he gets away with not knowing. And you probably don’t really want to know, anyway.
Run, Oonagh, run for your life! Five years is way too long to be stuck in this.
Comment from Angie
Time August 20, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Oonagh, from having lived with an “I don’t know” man for 15 years, it’s my experience that he will not change his ways, especially if he doesn’t have to. So far, his saying “I don’t know” has worked for him. He gets to do what he wants, and there are no real consequences for his actions (you’re still there, right?). Unfortunately, these type of men are not interested in doing the right thing, and in being honest with you. They’re interested in doing what they want regardless of how it affects you. Up until this point not only has his response not changed, but his actions haven’t changed either. I’m sorry to tell you, but I doubt very much that it’ll get any better. Don’t try to change him. It never works! Learn from the others’ mistakes, and move on as fast as you can. You don’t need another day of putting up with this self-centered kind of behavior. You deserve better! And don’t allow him to convince you that there’s something wrong with you for not trusting him after all these years. My ex did that to me, and I actually started to believe it. So, the focus became what was wrong with MY trust issues, instead of HIS behavior. I’m sorry to not have any positive thing to say about this situation. I wish you the best. You’re worth it.
Comment from Sian
Time August 20, 2008 at 5:18 pm
AAh…someone else old enough to remember Hogan’s Heroe’s..!!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 20, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Dear Oonagh!
Life can be as Sweet as Your Name; Suffer No More! TJoDear’s point is substantial AND substantiated: “he isn’t doing anything to earn your trust”.
Do YOU know why He lingers! Am sensing that You neither need nor desire to continue spinning a parasol in His feckless direction, soooo–Then, Don’t!
PinkFlag caution is on that higher-priced rental contra!ct [we'll pretend to ignore HOW contract uncovered!]. Methinks that the Lad a/k/a Cad-perhaps may have squirreled a larger issue. Could His silence be the pitter-patter of a new *Roomie*!
ASK Him directly if there’s ANY love-related reason to continue as a twosome. IF He gives that ‘don’t know’ stuff, Hug Him & Be on Your Merriest Way. Cheers2 Blossom, elsewhere!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 20, 2008 at 11:40 pm
SianDear….AAh, yes
—altho’ sometimes Asomeone *loves* 20th century ‘Hogan’ because Asomeone *knows* 21st century ‘Hogan’ reRuns!
In anyway, 4evr: Clink2Col!!
Comment from Ms. Single Mama
Time August 22, 2008 at 1:17 am
Where can I find a guy right in the middle? The “I don’t know” guys (like a 24 year old I just dated) are intolerably annoying… and then on the other side of the coin are the men who have way too much to say.
I also think it should be noted that too much analysis or truth from a man can be a major turn OFF, at least, for me, it is.
Thanks for your fantastic posts, and Jeff you should come see my new website:
Comment from hunter
Time August 23, 2008 at 11:04 am
on post #9
Did you say, “too much truth from a man, can be a major turn off?”……how interesting, I have to make a note of that statement. I am wondering, do most nice guys tell too much of the truth?………
Comment from Mackoy Erilla
Time October 4, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Perhaps he is just playing safe or he really do not know the answer. Though, there might be some valid reasons behind it.
Comment from T
Time August 20, 2008 at 11:47 am
Woooo… another one that sounds familiar. The ex used to do this.. all kinds of stupid stuff and not tell me about it. He would wait until I found out and then crawl away with his tail between his legs.
“Hey babe. There’s $500 missing from our account. It looks like it was pulled out during your trip to Las Vegas. Now we’ve bounced checks and payments to so-in-so, etc. Did someone steal your ATM card?”
Yes, I constantly gave him, a full grown adult man, the benefit of the doubt.
His response?
“Oh, well. I gambled it away. I was going to ask you but I figured you’d say no so I just did it anyway….”
What?!?!
Story of most of our marriage. Anyway, I finally got tired of babysitting. Turns out, his parents treated him like that his whole life and I guess it was a natural transition to make me his “mommy”. Now he has to take care of things on his own. And he’s grown up even more. Tough love (and divorce) actually works.
Watch out or you’ll end up playing the punishing parent for years to come…