What Does He WANT From Her??
Sheri’s man seems like a dream come true…and yet he won’t make a move. They’ve been “together” for over a year, but no sexytime. Er…what’s he doing? I’m not too sure myself. So let’s read Sheri’s tale of nookiless woe and figure it all out, shall we?
I met a man online, after talking to him everyday for three months I met him in person. Over the past 15 months I’ve fallen in love with this guy. We spend as much time together as possible and we always have a great time..He calls me everyday, we talk hours on the phone never running out of things to talk about. We’ve talked about relationships and he’s told me he moves very slow..until recently I’ve passed our lack of a sexual relationship off to talking it slow. I’ve been respectful of his needs.
Wow, are YOU into understatement. No sex for over a year is…well, yes, that IS slow. And boy, oh boy have you been respectful. Aretha Franklin would see what you’re doing and think, “Good googamooga, let’s not go overboard!” Might there be such a think as too much respect? She might not use the term “good googamooga” but it seems like someone should.
He reinforces how important I am to him. Yet when I’m with him, there’s never an attempt at intimacy. He knows I love him, I’m not afraid to express my feelings. Is he just being polite, not wanting to hurt me..afraid that if I know he has no sexual interest…I’ll go away???? Have I become a buddy to this man to the point he can’t let it go further? We’ve had an on-going relationship and talked everyday for 15 months, am I wasting my time thinking this will progress into something more than friendship?
A man doesn’t call a woman off and on all day, that’s just a friend…do they???? Our relationship is very confusing for ME…He tells me to relax, he’s not going anywhere….I want more than a friendship with this man..Do I make a “move” towards him…or should I run and not look back? I’ve made my feelings very clear, I’m the one that has no idea what his feelings are…If I try to bring it up he gets upset…I’m so confused????? I’ve told him I need more and maybe it’s time to end this strange phone relationship, that’s not what he wants….HELP WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?????
Confused and choking on phone cords,
Sheri
Dear Sheri,
Well, let me do you a favor here and rearrange your question a little. What he wants from you is not what you need to know right now. I mean, sure, of course you need to know that. Clearly he’s not being very clear. In fact, he seems to be needlessly cryptic. Why the refusal of sex, but the reassurance that he’s not going anywhere? Why all the contact, but no intimate contact? Yes, I understand, you need to know where he’s at. But first…
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
I think in this situation, what you need from a lover, a partner, a mate is more important than you’re giving it credit for. It’s nice that you’re being so respectful of him, but will it lead anywhere? At this late date, I say no.
Whatever this man’s reasons, they are obviously so powerful that he has decided that he’s not going to disclose them. Honestly, the only things I can think of are a sexual dysfunction of some kind, or he’s not interested in women at all. Well, or that he’s absolutely not interested in sex…which seems like it could be a dysfunction as well, if you think about it. Certainly wouldn’t be very fun.
The point is, he’s not going to tell you “in his own time.” Respect is a great trait, but this is kind of getting to the level of, “Well, I know they dropped all those bombs on Pearl Harbor and everything, but…I don’t know, they must have had their reasons….Maybe they were just going through something, you know?” It’s too much. It’s not helping YOU and it’s not helping HIM. It’s just letting him conceal whatever he’s concealing, which is only going to drive a wedge between you. (Figuratively, I’m assuming. I don’t even know if there ARE physical “wedges” anymore. I assume that sort of thing is done with computers nowadays.)
WHAT DO YOU DO?
I almost NEVER advocate the use of an ultimatum. And that’s not just because if you say it with the right dialect, you sound just like you’re saying “old tomato.” It’s rarely productive to back someone into a corner and tell them that there is ONE way to “redeem” themselves.
However, in this situation, it’s he who has backed you into the corner. He’s basically:
- Refusing sex
- Dismissing your concerns
- Getting upset when you bring it up
Uh…no. Sorry, dude. What you are “demanding” is not acceptable. (Not to mention WAY less fun than making out.)
ULTIMATUM ONE OH ONE
When you’re going to lay it on the line, it is VITAL that you are very clear exactly what you’re laying on the line. As in, you are NOT demanding sex. That’s just weird — maybe as weird as demanding that you guys do NOT have it. More importantly, it won’t bring you any closer to the truth. Who knows? He may “cave in” and have sex with you just to meet your demands. Sexy, huh? Yeah, not really.
What you are demanding is honesty, openness. What you are saying is, “Look, what we have is simply not working for me. I’ve respected your wishes for as long as I could, but this is not an even exchange. If this is enough for you, and intimacy is too much, we are not in the same relationship. I am NOT trying to convince you to do something you don’t want to do — don’t do me any favors. What I need to know is, are we after the same thing here?”
The point is to throw open all the doors and figure out what’s going on, and then decide if the two of you are worth fighting for. See, the things you’re asking ME? In this case, you are actually entitled to hear it from HIM.
Good luck, Sheri. Keep us posted.
What does this guy want from Sheri, ladies?
Posted: August 25th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Sassy
Time August 25, 2008 at 9:33 am
What bothers me most is that he gets “upset” when you bring up your needs. If this is how the relationship is now, it probably won’t get any better in the coming months and years. He’s got some block, some wall and he needs to change that.
I think you need to step back, figure out what you really want and need, and go from there. Jeff is right–might be time for some tough love.
And personally, I think 15 months without any type of sexual moves (unless there is a serious religious reason which I would respect) is far too strange!
Good luck.
Comment from Liz C
Time August 25, 2008 at 11:26 am
I really don’t have anything new to add, but that won’t stop me from commenting. 
I want to reinforce the notion that the fact that you wrote Jeff indicates you’re ready to think about what YOU want and need instead of just what HE wants and need. If your guy is willing/able to do that, then you stand a chance. If he’s not, then, like Jeff said, you’re not in the same relationship he is and you need to get OUT.
He’s getting a lot more of what he wants from you than you are from him. If you think about it that way, you can see how unbalanced and unfair it is.
Good luck. My heart hurts for you. I’m afraid that you’re at a dead end with this guy and it makes me sad for you.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 25, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Dear Sheri…..Great that He seems 2B a *keeper* , despite ??s!
In evolutionary schemes of Dating-things vs. Significant-things, from my perch, a 15Month quiet-on-the-squeeze Front is not exceedingly excessive. JMdear’s “old tomato” [love That! ; hope not2need!] IS best, shortest path to closure.
First wonderment is on that online meetup. Lettuce fast backward: Exactly what did U2 advertise as Your Goals! If He was ISO a “friend”, There T’is! If not, t’is the best opener on that ultimatum-thing.
His getting “upset” when You bring up the realDeal issues seems closer 2defensiveness than 2covering An *Other*. Batten-down-hatch responses often indicate *personal* stuff to defend. IF He considers U as friend-friend, there should be His need 2share tribulation NOT 2hide.
BTW: [1] In 15Months of Being2gether, do U know if He has other relations of ANY sort; have U met any of His significant folks— of course, those questions apply also to U, Ms. Sheri!
[2] On that “ex”, otherSqueezer, or gayness, do instincts tell that He’s using U as candy4arm; are there real Public Outings, as in d-a-t-e-s!
Lastly: Does He have an actual ‘member’, youKnow, P-pal? Cozy & suggest U2 have a get-acquainted show&tell. As our DearProf. suggested—He may have a physical or medical malady. He could be anxious if He’s had surgery, soooo Ask! Cozy Close & assure Him it’s surmountable [sorta as are U--oops, chose not 2resist that!].
Maybe He’s not a “dead end’; maybe He’s a ‘lively beginning! Ensure NO regrets by leaving No comforter–His or Yours–i unturned. Claim & Cherish Joys, in all ways!
Comment from hunter
Time August 25, 2008 at 8:05 pm
He is a nice man!……Maybe clueless, but, a very nice man!……..Not all men know how to seduce a woman….
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 25, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Dear Hunter…..S-E-D-U-C-E!
Thou sayest S-E-D-U-C-E! Wow.. sounds wonderfully simple!
We’ll wait for the details. In the meantime, Ms. Sheri, we have your back…. with good thoughts & prayers for success!
Comment from hunter
Time August 26, 2008 at 12:08 am
Magnolia,
You’ll have to wait for the details?…LOL!…..thats a good line……
Comment from HughRistik
Time August 26, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Maria said:
The only reasons that come to mind for me that a guy would withold sex are as follows: he is getting it somewhere else (maybe an ex? a man?), he is gay and maybe doesn’t fully realize it, he is worried about perfomance, he has a “madonna-whore” complex (in which case you should run like the wind!) or he does not want a relationship with you and therefore doesn’t want to “go there.”
A couple more ideas that come to mind:
- He had a religious upbringing
- He experienced some form of sexual violence or abuse at some point in his life
- He is asexual
It would also be useful to know if he is a virgin, and in what way he is upset when the idea of getting physical is brought up.
Comment from QTMama
Time August 27, 2008 at 11:43 am
Ok maybe it’s just a bit too simple in my head?
Maybe EVERYTHING is there for him but the physical attraction. I mean, simply put, if a guy is into you, he wants sex with you. Period.
But, I’m a simple girl.
Comment from Still Hopeful
Time September 17, 2009 at 3:36 pm
My mother just remarried (she’s seventy) after being in a “friendship” relationship for two years with no attempt to seduce whatsoever! She was befuddled (she’s very attractive for her age) and they were the best of friends — but he wasn’t making a move! Poor mom just thought he wasn’t interested in her “like that”. Finally, one day he sort of blurted out that he thought they should get married. Initially, she thought he was kidding! Anyway, it turned out that there were two things going on : he’d been deeply hurt and was cautious and he had herpes and was afraid to tell her! Anyway, they’re now married and ridiculously, nauseatingly happy. Also, there are people with Avoidant Personality Disorders (APV) or Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) or people who have an “avoidant attachment style”. Google a bit and see if descriptions might line up with what you know about this man. He *may* be avoiding intimacy because it terrifies him, but at the same time he craves closeness and doesn’t want to lose you. No matter what the reason for his reluctance to initiate sexual contact, you need to talk about it. Acknowledge his discomfort, but be clear about your own needs. Good luck!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 22, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Dear Ms. Still Hopeful,
MerciBouquets 2Your Mom… and 2U 4sharing that delicious, *ridiculously, nauseatingly happy” beginning!
Joy-Joy!
Comment from Maria
Time August 25, 2008 at 9:30 am
Hi Sheri and Jeff,
You have been very patient and big-hearted with this guy, and I know you have had a hard time of it. It does seem very confusing. The only reasons that come to mind for me that a guy would withold sex are as follows: he is getting it somewhere else (maybe an ex? a man?), he is gay and maybe doesn’t fully realize it, he is worried about perfomance, he has a “madonna-whore” complex (in which case you should run like the wind!) or he does not want a relationship with you and therefore doesn’t want to “go there.” But in any case, 15 months seems like such a long time!! I am confused – has he even kissed you? If not, I am sorry to say this, but I think the other half of the dysfunction here might be something going within you… I mean the physical part of a relationship is important. I am not an expert – I defer to Jeff on this – but I think if you are over the age of 19 and there is no sexy stuff happenen after a few dates then something is up! (I just say 19 ’cause I know the youngsters can actually make out for hours and then just go home…) Good luck – you are such a giver… but it’s time to go out there and get what you need!