What Happens When You Give a Young Man a Challenge
Addison was dating a guy who seemed to be all about doing the right thing, saying the right thing. But then, out of nowhere, he’s suddenly “not sure.” And bails (of course, leaving the option open to hang out “from time to time.” Cough-freesex-cough!) Why would he bother with all the first stuff, if he wasn’t serious? This one’s a cinch, Addison. And it is exactly why we can all safely ignore all that crap about how you need to present men with a challenge, a chase, unavailability, etc. Read on for her message, and the manslation:
Well Jeff, I am back again. I love your site and I know you can’t get to all posts, but I keep sending them in hopes that one day you will have time for mine.
Well Addison, thy time has come….
To start off, two months ago I was dumped by the first man I ever actually loved. I am not young either I am 31yrs old, but I guess a bit guarded where love is concerned. Anyway, enough about that. To get to the point, I started dating again after a couple months of turning anyone who asked down.
Yeah, I guess I’ve technically spent my whole life like that too, turning down all the askers. I mean, no one ever asked, but for all you know I would have turned them down. Sure I would.
The first guy I went out with is younger than I am and in his lower 20′s, but seemed to have his act together or so I thought.
(We interrupt this manslations request to note that virtually no one in their “lower 20′s” has his or her act together. Unfortunately, they’re the ones hogging all the abs, so I guess it sort of evens out.)
We only dated about a month and a half so it wasn’t awful when it ended by, but I am just confused. He was the one who said he didn’t want to date other women, he was the one saying that he was going to love proving me wrong on if he was trustworthy, and then finally he said he was confused and not sure if he wanted to go back to being single and that he couldn’t tell me not to date.
Heh. Oh, this guy cracks me up. Already got him pegged before going any further, I believe.
To which I responded a bit bluntly, but that was a HUGE flag for me and I was not about to get blindsided like I did by the last guy who decided to leave the state.
Well, that’s what you get for dating a presidential candidate, right? What can I tell you, move to a swing state. (If ya know what I mean.)
So I thanked him for being honest and told him that I was not the wait and see type of girl. Then I told him I had some of his things and if he wanted them back to let me know because I didn’t know if we would see each other again. To which he replied that he had hoped we could still see each other from time to time because he liked spending time with me.
Ha! Oh, wow. That was a really nice try there, fella. Folks, don’t you just want to give this kid a playful noogie and tell him, “Aaaaaaah, getouttahere you!”
I guess I just don’t get it….is this a ploy to have his cake and eat it too?
If by “cake” you mean “your body” and by “eat” you mean “have responsibility-free sex with” then yes.
Or could this be that the boy is young and likes me, but it was all moving kind of quick?
Nah. That doesn’t really happen very often. Most times when a relationship is “moving too quick” for a man, is when he’s dumping you in the most flattering, nice way possible. “No, no, you’re perfect. It was that darn RATE of SPEED. But if not for that, perfect!”
Honestly, when I originally agreed to go on the date I was just trying to help myself get me over the past situation and never did I anticipate anything coming of it. Which I guess could be part of the reason this time I am not all that upset.
And maybe that was part of the reason he wasn’t so wild about sticking around? I mean, who wants to be cast in the role of “shoehorn to get me out of my LAST relationship”? Not very badassed, if you see what I mean.
I just don’t understand why did he come on so strong and tell me all his feelings if he never wanted anything serious in the first place?
Dear Addison,
Ok, here’s the thing. You obviously presented our young squire with a challenge. You clearly didn’t trust him, since he was hellbent on “proving you wrong” about him being untrustworthy. (Manslator’s Note: I would LOVE to hear how that particular piece of information came up. “Well…I think you’re untrustworthy, but let’s have coffee and see where it goes.“)
To understand what happened, let’s go back to our SATs, shall we? And we’ll learn something that your young lad doesn’t even realize applies to him, regardless of how recently he actually TOOK his SATs.
CHALLENGE IS TO MAN AS PREY IS TO:
a.) Predator
b.) Squirrel
c.) Hello, there.
d.) All of the above
And no, it’s not “d” just because it’s “all of the above.”
Yes, it’s option a — Predator. Male brains like to solve problems. Even if we stink at it, even if we don’t know a solution from a hole in the ground. (Unless the problem is “I need a pool” in which case the solution IS a hole in the ground. Check, and mate, my friends.)
You were unavailable. Just like all those crappy mags and books tell you to be. You didn’t trust him, so he was DYING to prove you wrong. You didn’t really want a relationship with him specifically (just looking to get past the last one) so he was damn WELL going to make you want that.
YOU NOW OFFICIALLY KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM THAN HE DID
Seriously. He didn’t even stop to ask himself what he wanted from you. What he did was he saw a big, honking challenge, and he just DOVE for it, whole hog. But, like a dog chasing cars, he never really thought through what would happen if he CAUGHT you.
Well, that’s when he was forced to think, “Golly, now that I’ve got her, do I really want her?” That’s right, he actually thought the word “Golly.”
VERDICT: THE CHASE DID IT
This is why you don’t ever want to make a man chase you. Not that you did it on purpose. But the effect was the same. And what happened? Well, he sure did chase you. You were unwittingly behaving like prey, and so he predatored on your ass. But then he realized that he wasn’t as interested in YOU as he was in the chase itself.
That’s why he came on so strong. And that’s why he bailed.
Good luck, Addison. You can file this one under, “Young guy who doesn’t know what he wants yet, who had a challenge dangled in front of him like a red flag in front of a bull.” (Though I don’t know what the character-limit is on your filing system.)
Ever seen this maneuver, ladies? What was this guy’s M.O. here?
Posted: August 27th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from M
Time August 27, 2008 at 10:17 am
This happened to me a few months ago also! I met him when I was just ending a long-term relationship, and was totally uninterested in dating or trusting other guys……. This guy claimed to be crazy about me, told others he was in love with me, and he swore he would “wait” for me (until i was ready to date again)…. this went on for almost 3 years. Then a few months ago I decided I liked him back, I started to reciprocate a little – and BOOM, he bailed on plans, cut contact, got a girlfriend and immediately moved in with her.
I agree with Kerri – great manslation!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 27, 2008 at 3:42 pm
JMdearie…..
Grand and, as always, ExcellentChuckles!
If my feminized senses comprehend Manslations in total, Raising *Challenge* and/or being *EzeeBreezee* are inoperative and/or counterproductive.
The Girl’s happy Third Rail must lay beyond Option3 of sitting near phone singing “Let It Please Be Him”.
Eureka! TR territory is where trails converge, eh? Will need some spiffy manslating on that!
Comment from Cindy
Time August 27, 2008 at 4:09 pm
This happened to me – in reverse! I met a VERY hunky former soap opera star…but told him that although I thought he was INCREDIBLY HOT, I was NOT interested in getting involved in a relationship with him – but we could certainly “have fun” for awhile. (Very modern-thinking of me, no?) We “had fun” (which, btw, included both sex & non-sex activities) for about a month, but he kept bringing up the relationship thing. I stuck to my guns & kept telling him that it would never be more than it was today, but if he wanted to just enjoy it for what it was, great! I finally had to cut the cord on the whole deal after he told his best friend about me & said that I’d totally turned the tables on him. You see, I’m quite sure it wasn’t about ME – it was about the CHALLENGE.
Comment from HughRistik
Time August 27, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I As a man in his “lower 20s” also, I like Jeff’s Manslation, and I’m going to make a few additional observations:
The first guy I went out with is younger than I am and in his lower 20’s, but seemed to have his act together or so I thought.
Regardless of whether he had his act together or not, having your act together isn’t the same thing as wanting to settle down. If he does have his act together (at least for someone in their early 20s), then he probably has options with various other women. He said he wasn’t interested in other women, but perhaps he figured out that he actually wasn’t ready to give up those options so soon.
As someone young, he may also be heavily under the influence of the Hollywood model of relationships, where people profess love and promise to be “true” to each other within 15 minutes of meeting (not that older people aren’t necessarily influenced by this sort of script also). He acted out the Hollywood script for a while, then perhaps realized that it wasn’t for him.
(Manslator’s Note: I would LOVE to hear how that particular piece of information came up. “Well…I think you’re untrustworthy, but let’s have coffee and see where it goes.“)
Word. If you tell the guy you aren’t sure whether you trust him, what is the more socially acceptable answer:
a) You’re right, you shouldn’t trust me… I have no clue what I want
b) Trust me! I will prove myself to you
Option b) avoids conflict and gives the Hollywood answer. He probably believed it himself at the time. Also, it may fall under the category of “response under duress,” depending on how the actual situation went down.
I realize how frustrating it was for Addison when this guy went back on what he had been saying, and I would like to have more self-awareness from him. I do suspect that if Addison hadn’t showed him her assumption that he would be untrustworthy, he wouldn’t have been so hellbent on proving her wrong (most guys like being right).
He didn’t even stop to ask himself what he wanted from you.
At my age, people are more likely to just date each other without necessarily being sure what they want. I would date an older woman just out of curiosity. But I would keep in mind that she is probably looking for something different than what I am looking for.
Comment from AnneZ
Time August 28, 2008 at 9:31 am
I salute you, Manslator. This is one of the great ones. It describes what happened to me over and over especially iny 20s and then in my post divorce years. I was so busy with so many things I never focused much on the boys….which, in effect, made me hard to get. So there you had it, this scenario played out over and over again. Finally one would manage to get my attention—and within a short of amount of time, poof! he’d be gone. Leaving me dizzy and increasingly jaded and even more aloof, unintentionally exacerbating the problem. Boy does this explain a huge chunk of my life This is completely fantastic. I have often described myself as feeling like “prey”—now I know why, I was acting like prey, at least in the eyes of the male animal.
No more!
As Kerri says, now the idea is to avoid forming those walls of Jericho in the first place.
I can’t get over it. Who knew that being busy, jaded and hurt equals sprinkling blood in a shark tank? I didn’t. Now I do. Thank you, Jeff Mac.
Comment from Addison
Time August 28, 2008 at 11:40 am
To answer you question I did not come right out and say I didn’t trust him. I told him that when I was his age I was by no means looking for anything serious or long term. I also said that after being so blindsided by my past relationship I wasn’t ready to date or trust another man yet. Which is when he responded with “just think of it as free night out and I promise you will have a good time”. I told him I just wanted to be upfront about where I was at, because I didn’t want to do, what had been done to me to someone else. He was adamant that he still wanted to take me out so I figured I would give it a shot. After that initial date was when he started saying how he was going to prove me wrong and show me that he was not like my last partner and that even though he was young he did want a relationship. You know how that turned out. After about a week he came back and professed how much he missed me only to do the same thing all over again two weeks later. He will not be getting a third chance.
Comment from DC
Time August 28, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I’ve had a few start-up relationships in this manner too.. But for the most part, my relationships were long term. I’m reading all these responses and relating to most of your comments. I’m amazed that this happens so often. I thinking I’m experiencing a bit of healing right now…getting the mans point of veiw…realizing that those guys possibly really believed they wanted what they said they wanted and then when they got it…never planned on what to do afterwards… (as opposed to they just wanted to hurt me and use me..which hurt) AMAZING.. I understand men a lot better now..
So Ladies, How do you think we should handle ourselves in the future..knowing what we know now? Any Advice on this Jeff? Should we feel these guys out for longer than 3 months before we have sex? Should we enjoy the moments during that time and only think about getting serious after 4 / 5 / 6 months? Do you think we need to simply stop talking about what we want the first time we meet a guy….stop talking about our trust issues, (so as not to alert them to any challenges), and realize that we have plenty of opportunites to just enjoy ourselves… WE don’t have to have sex, but if we do we should do it with the intent of simply enjoying ourselves.. Guys will talk and say what they think we want to hear..rather than the truth…although what they say does seem like THEIR truth… how do you think we should handle such situations? This could happen on every single date we have…how do we have better outcomes? (not necessarily meaning we get the guy)..
Also, off the subject a bit… I too sent in a manslation request regarding the fact that I tend to attract married men…Feel free to respond here if you’d like…otherwise I’m soooo anxious to hear your manslation on that one…YOUR BRILLIANT at this stuff..
Thanks,
DC / Del
Comment from hunter
Time August 29, 2008 at 9:11 pm
to Cindy on post #4
…it is not like you were in it for the physical aspect….no, I don’t think you were….hhmmhh……LOL!……
Comment from shatani
Time September 8, 2008 at 3:16 am
so, how does a woman go about NOT presenting a challenge in that way?
Comment from Bea
Time September 14, 2010 at 9:44 pm
Well I guess he just want to prove something for you and for himself. He is not really inlove with you and not so serious about your relationship.
Comment from Kerri
Time August 27, 2008 at 8:53 am
OMG!!!
This so happened to me a few months back.
I did the EXACT same thing, I was honest with a guy I met, I said I was jaded, wouldn’t love for a long time, wouldn’t let him meet my kids,he couldn’t come to my house, etc…
One by one over three months I let him do everything I was adamant about not doing, and felt great about it, then WHAMO he was gone, literally without a word.
This manslation rocked, I couldn’t figure out what happened and was heart broken that I had let down all my walls.
Now that I am on board with the “dudes must solve problems”, I won’t be blindsided again.
Good thing that came out of it, no more walls for a problem solving guy to work on.
Great manslation Mr. Manslator and great question Addison!!