What Do Men REALLY Think of First Date Sex?
A return customer today, we’ve got Janay (which, as you may recall,I like to say in my mind as if I am Forrest Gump) who’s back out in the dating world, and wants to know — what are dudes really thinking of first date sex? (Other than “yipee” I’m assuming.) Have no fear, Janay. This question and me’s like peas and carrots.
Hi there, Jeff!
Because you are so fantastic at what you do, I’ve decided to write again – this time with a much less dramatic, but oh-so-important question. Now that I’m back in the dating world for the first time in way too many years, I’m not quite sure what the proper etiquette is.
I’ve always heard “If you really like the guy, don’t do it”, or “That’s all the relationship will be if you do it”….So, I want to know:
What do men REALLY think of sex on a first date? How about sex on a first date with somebody you’ve known for a while (say, 6 years…)? Are there any “rules” to this sort of thing?!
Dear Janay,
You know, it depends on who the guy is, and what the chemistry’s like between the two of you. In my life, I have thought everything from:
- Holy crap, that was the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced.
- I have got to get the hell out of here.
And everything in between. Before we get into first date sex specifically, it’s important to understand a little bit about the male mind regarding sex (such as it is.)
THE MALE SEX BRAIN, IN TWO PARTS
Part I: Before Sex Brain.
This guy can be very goal oriented. His energy is very directed, and he benefits from the well-documented fact that a male’s body can only power one thing at a time. Brain or penis.
Now, if he’s a player, he might very well know that he’s only looking for sex. But even nice guys have this exact tendency and often don’t know it until afterwards. This is why even a nice guy might be gunning for a little more physical affection than the situation would seem to warrant. If there’s a chance for sex, it will not escape his attention. In a very real sense, that’s what male attention is for. Well, that and setting up stereo equipment.
Part II: After Sex Brain.
This is where things get complicated. See, a lot of guys don’t even know they have two brains. So when the sex — the goal toward which he was so oriented in Part I — is over, now the other guy takes over. Think of the werewolf or the Hulk after transforming back into the normal dude. “Wha…? How did…? Wha happa?”
Think: Felix Unger coming in to clean up after Oscar Madison has had a party.
This is the part where the flowchart would come in handy. See, if he’s not feeling any chemistry between you two, he might not have even KNOWN about it until this moment. Sex Brain was in charge up until now, and Sex Brain doesn’t always require chemistry to proceed, you know what I’m saying? Obviously it’s better with it, but as the old saying goes, even lousy pizza is still pizza.
And as I mentioned before, if the guy is a player, well, he wasn’t even thinking about chemistry in the first place. Just trying to connect the dots between him and your vagina. (Figuratively, I’m saying. If there are actual dots, please consult your physician.)
If there IS chemistry between you two…well, he’s likely going to want to make sure you’re ok with the whole thing, let you know how great it was, whatever it is. Could be a natural instinct, could be a learned, “Oh, I better do/say the right thing here, cuz I like her,” thing.
SO…FIRST DATE SEX
Anyway, with all that in mind, what do guys think about first date sex? It’s probably not the thing that most women think it is. I have heard a bazillion times, “If you have sex on the first date, that’s all he’ll ever want from you.”
Please, for the love of all that is holy, listen to this:
THAT IS NOT TRUE.
Thank you for listening.
Now hold on, hold on!! I know, I know. I know you’ve had relationships where that’s what happened. Sure. But the first date sex isn’t WHY he didn’t want anything more from you. It’s the other way around. He NEVER wanted anything more from you. He bailed because he got what he wanted — sex on the first try, and no strings.
YOU DON’T HAVE THE POWER TO DO THAT
That’s the important thing to remember. You can’t make him stop liking you by having sex with him. And you most definitely will NEVER get him to START liking you by withholding sex. These two things aren’t related in that way.
However, you might REVEAL whether he likes you by holding off on sex, if you’re not sure. A player is looking for low-effort, high-reward. A guy who really likes you wants more than just the sex. He’ll put in the time. A player, if he senses you’re going to be difficult to get into bed, might move on.
VERDICT: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, HE WON’T MIND
I have never heard a guy say something negative about a woman he liked because she slept with him on their first date. And I have also never heard a guy say that he was planning on just having sex with a woman, but when she refused to do him on the first date, he fell in love. It’s not like that.
If you feel that you want to have sex with him, DO it. If you feel you aren’t ready, DON’T do it. If you’re not sure you trust him, don’t know if he only wants to get you into bed, hold off. But whatever you do, don’t worry that a man will think less of you for having sex too soon.
Good luck, Janay. I promise, we don’t think ill of the early hump. Oh, unless you’re dating a guy who’s over a hundred. Then, you might have to wait for a while, curtsy, listen to his Civil War stories, etc.
What’s your experience, ladies? What have the first date humpers among you seen from the dudes of the world?
Posted: August 28th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Amelie
Time August 28, 2008 at 11:13 am
Spot on as usual 
Comment from Grace
Time August 28, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Very true. Very true.
Comment from Janay
Time August 28, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Sticking with the ole’ Forrest Gump theme:
“G*d damn it, Gump (Jeff Mac)! You’re a g*d damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a g*ddamn I.Q. of 160. You are g*ddamn gifted, Private Gump (Jeff Mac). Listen up, people…”
Okay, but seriously – this is good, solid advice (as usual!)….Thanks!
Comment from KC
Time August 28, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Hey guys…. I’m going to throw something out there… I’m thinking that Jeff’s right – if a guy really likes you, he’ll stay. However, I really do think that first date sex may send the signal that “this girl has been around the block.” This may affect the guys decision to stay or not. Most men who are really trying to find a serious relationship probably aren’t going to go for Ms. “I’ll give it up real easy.” Also, from my experience, the longer you wait to have sex, the longer the relationship lasts…. not sure why… I’m just saying that’s what I’ve realized over the years… good luck Janay!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 28, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Dears, All…
Will *Sixth* on Hoorahs for Excellent & Hilarious ‘Slation!
The JMvision about “early hump” is practical+true. If relationship goodies make A Good Thing, reasons would be rare for critter named early-hump.
Great Clarity on ourGirlee lack of “Power” to capitalize or nullify A Fella’s *liking or not liking*. Free Will is a priceyPearl!
Hope this helps2: Yawning [Yes! A Guy's yawning] coincides with AND can trigger erections. Sooo, if He yawns, first ask about stereo plugs, then—assumePositions!
BTW: Best “lousy pizza” is that pizza without anchovies!
Cheers2 Inspiration of Hundred-Year Old Gals & Guys!
Comment from hunter
Time August 29, 2008 at 3:29 am
Sex on the first date…hmmmh, doesn’t that sort of have to do with age? Women under 50 are bonded to their partner after having sex. The over 50 crowd chooses to be with someone….reverse that for men, 50+ bond, and under 50 year old men, override their feelings and decide, who they want to be with….
Comment from Avis Bailee
Time August 29, 2008 at 7:03 am
It depends.
If both partners feel an attraction to each other .
Comment from Michele
Time August 29, 2008 at 8:11 am
What do men really think of women who happen by accident of genetics or fear of poverty or whatever to be successful and well paid?
Comment from Janay
Time August 29, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Oh, KC….see, this is exactly what i’m questioning!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time August 29, 2008 at 3:35 pm
KC: I promise, the “around the block” thing isn’t a factor as relates to first date sex. I swear, it really just doesn’t happen that way.
If a guy bails after sex, it means that he was not interested in more than that with you. Not before, not during, and not after. Though as I say, he might not even know how interested or not he is until afterwards. (In the same way that sharks don’t know what things are food until after they bite them. There’s no Shark Zagat’s Guide, you know.)
I mean…why would he have sex with you on the first date if the very act of first date sex makes him stop liking all women? If that were true, women all around the world would have to “trick” men into waiting to save them from their own…
Sigh…I can’t even finish that thought. Too crazy.
Comment from KC
Time August 30, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Hey Jeff,
I totally get what you’re saying, and I agree you’re right. If a guy digs you, first date sex will not scare them away. I was just suggesting that a lot of people can’t help but to “judge” things that are fairly taboo. I think most would agree that first date sex doesn’t happen all the time… especially if you’re on a blind date or didn’t know the person before hand etc etc. It has also been poked at in movies/tv shows etc (usually not in a favorable light) – which I would imagine most people have picked up on….
I know I’ve had one night stands and never wanted to see the guy again… not that he wasn’t cute or amazingly nice in the 4-5 hours I got to know him, but in the end, I don’t think most would expect to build a long lasting relationship with someone who would just jump in the sack with a basic stranger… I just didn’t want to even try to pursue something with a guy who so obviously is “quick to the sack.” I have to imagine many guys would feel the same way….
In addition, I would also imagine that in many cases of first date sex, alcohol is involved… am I right Janay? That just adds to the awkwardness in the morning… I think a guy would really really have to like the girl to stick around… I just re-read this, and I know I’m sounding bitter, but how many guys do you know that really fall for women that quickly? I don’t know too many myself…
However, I must say, I think if you knew the guy really well before the date, it’s totally safe…otherwise, I personally think you run the risk of having him walk away…
KC
Comment from Single Mom Seeking
Time September 1, 2008 at 12:34 pm
This cracked me up, too! That connect the dots line… oy, too much.
I agree with KC that in my experience, men seem to love this fantasy that a woman is still a virgin — who waited for him. They can be “easy,” but if a woman is, sorry. Maybe you can clarify this one?
In my own experience, sleeping with a guy on the first date clouds my intelligence… I get too attached physically and try to remember where I left my brain.
Comment from Selena
Time September 1, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I’ve never had first date sex, but I’ve had first week of dating sex. And yes, I’ve been disappointed. Either because it seemed shortly afterward the guy wasn’t really interested in me, or sometimes I found I didn’t really like him (What was I thinking!). That chemistry thing, or lack thereof, can go both ways.
These days I prefer to get to know someone at least a little bit well before going for it and that is not going to happen on a first date. It happens by spending an appreciable amount of time with someone, whether that means seeing them almost everyday for a week and hours of talking, or a few times a week for a couple/few weeks, again with lots of talking.
I’d think first date sex with someone you had known for 6 yrs. would be different though, because you obviously DO know each other somewhat well after all that time. You should have some idea what you would be getting into. And I don’t see why the “respect” issue would apply in such a case.
Comment from In a man’s defense..
Time September 1, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Hi Jeff,
My girlfriend introduced me to your website today. I find your website and your ideas interesting & intruiging, but also potentially harmfull. I find it slightly disconcerning that you feel comfortable speaking on behalf of all men. I agree that there are very different mind sets between men & women, and the way we interact with eachother – and the idea of being able to translate those different thoughts between the sexes, is one that we could all benefit from. However, at the same time, I wonder how many of your readers take your opinions back to their partners and end up in a worse off situation from where they began. Is it possible that you’re not getting enough background information from the women posting on your website, to allow you to accurately diagnose and comment on?
I’m sure that this post sounds like a message coming from an angry boyfriend who feels victimized by your opinion. Please know that this is not the case, and that nothing on your website has adversely affected me. I’m simply concerned that you may be speaking on behalf of all men, without being able to accurately speak on behalf of all men. I would hate to think that marriages & relationships may be ending, based on your commentary without an accurate assessment.
Thank you for your time,
S.
Comment from Gourmet Swinger
Time September 1, 2008 at 10:41 pm
If a guy wants sex according to male herd behavior, “everybody’s doing it,” “American Pie” attitude, then he only wants sex – that’s it. If he believes his partner has a piece of his soul, then he’s gonna want to stay with her.
Comment from Lisa
Time September 2, 2008 at 10:25 am
In a mans defense….
Interesting comment. I can only say this (in defense of any woman whom might have thought the same thing when they read this comment.)
Any woman who takes a single opinion and bases an entire relationship/marriage on that single opinion and then ends the relationship/marriage based on that opinion, probably shouldn’t be in seriously dating or married.
I am sure many women who visit this site have a mind of their own and use it often before asking any question.
What I am saying, by assuming that relationships are made or broken based on the “manslations” read here suggests that you might have a narrow view of the female mind.
Many of us will think, rethink, question, doubt, wonder, gather information, think some more ask a therapist, (perhaps get a manslation) before we make a move in any relationship.
I am not bashing you by any means.
I would however “hate to think” that all women are perceived as so one dimensional that they do not have minds of their own.
Comment from S
Time September 19, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Jeff – thank you for this. I have been dating a guy I slept with on the first date for almost 4 months now. It was the first time I EVER did anything like that. I was honestly just overcome with attraction for him (and 3 glasses deep in wine) and couldn’t stop myself. Since then, I have wondered if he judges me or thinks I am “easy” or would do that with any guy. Which isn’t the case. I think you are right that if a guy is only wanting sex, you won’t hear from him again (unless it is just for more sex). I also agree that it is a better idea to wait and just avoid feeling bad about yourself and/or taking the risk you might ruin things. But if you slip up like me, just know there is still a chance!
Comment from S (the woman)
Time October 6, 2008 at 2:11 am
Great answer Jeff! Some of you guys (like “S” the concerned boyfriend) need to lighten up.
Jeff, you asked for women’s takes on this… I’m a woman, here’s my take:
On the first date, if the guy turns me on (and if he is also turned on), he’s getting laid. If he doesn’t turn me on (or he isn’t turned on), he isn’t getting it from me.
Do I care if he calls me again? Hmmm I don’t care if he wasn’t good — if his sexiness was a fluke (or I was temporarily insane with lust), or he didn’t enjoy himself too.
Do I care if the guy thinks I’m a slut for first date sex? Um, that’s a big negatory good buddy. I know what I am. If some guy thinks it was wrong… then why did his hoo-ha get hard? Is he a slut too for first date sex? Or is he just open-minded and free-loving?
Finally, I just have to say that sex is a necessary part of healthy living. The chemicals generated by each person, for each person, are known to foster health and happiness. I like to think of sex as sneezing… you’ve GOT to sneeze, it feels good when you do, and if you don’t (when you need to) you’ll damage your brain.
Comment from M- a sexual woman
Time October 12, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Here’s my experience on the early humping. My husband and I actually had sex BEFORE we started dating (we were friends) and we ended up having a very successful 12 year marriage after 3 years of dating. He passed away 6 years ago. My current boyfriend and I had sex on the first date and are going strong. The secret is knowing there is chemistry there ahead of time. Both men were friend first before dates. I think that is the true key. When you’ve been with someone for a long time and the newness is gone you’re left with friendship. Make sure it’s there from the beginning along with the passion and you’ll have a successful relationship every time, early hump or not.
Comment from Observer
Time November 26, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I have had guys calling back after first-date sex, BUT that’s only b/c they wanted more sex lol.
When trusting my instincts, I think it’s safer to not have sex right away than take the risk just to see if he’s someone that will bail out or stay. What works for me may not work for someone else. I don’t care if other people have sex on the first date, but it’s no longer the right thing for me.
Sure, it was fun when I did do it, but I didn’t get much positive about it….except for some physical pleasure
Comment from Observer
Time November 27, 2008 at 12:02 am
One more thing…I have heard men assume that if a woman has first date sex with one guy, she must be doing it with others. I guess it depends on who you have talked to, b/c I have heard males make negative comments about such things. I have also met men that say they don’t care about a woman’s sexual activity, when they do (they just don’t tell you to your face).
Comment from sandrar
Time September 10, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. Cheers! Sandra. R.
Comment from Dee
Time January 4, 2010 at 2:32 pm
I agree completely w/ Jeff. The guy only leaves after first date sex if that’s what he intended for from beginning. The only obstacle is it’s not always easy to tell what his intentions are from first date, hence it’s better to hold off. Someone who really likes u enough for who he thinks u are, to the point he wants sex w/ u right away, he wont start judging u and thinking u’ve been around the block.
I randomly met this gorgeous guy while on vacation and we went on a date after a few days of texting and talking. Because he was really drop dead gorgeous, I went into the date in my “fling” mode and never planned to see him again. We did it on first date, and boy, he started he now wants to visit me in my hometown, my school town, and tries to convince me to pick a rotation site near him and I can stay w/ him.
Now I’M the one feeling bad for having the intention to walk away after first night.
Comment from Jennifer2
Time January 5, 2010 at 1:36 pm
I really agree with “M – sexual woman.” Friendship is such an important part of building and sustaining a relationship. In my experience, sex on the first date doesn’t deter a guy, but it could prevent you from getting to know each other in other ways. However, if I don’t feel a pretty strong desire to sleep with someone early on in the courtship, it doesn’t happen for me later just because we “waited.”i.e., holding out doesn’t turn me on. Honestly, if a guy is turned on by that, I think there’s something wrong with him. Plus, in my opinion, it’s hard to get close if you’re not intimate. And it’s hard to think of a man romantically if you’re not actually sleeping with him.
Comment from T
Time August 28, 2008 at 10:09 am
Jeff Mac, you are so funny. Do people ever tell you that?
I love this. Thank you for explaining things so clearly and in your own, hilarious way.
You should write a book or something.
