Is It Love Or a Waste of Time?
A reader named “Thando” is not exactly getting the royal treatment. Well, I guess it depends on what kind of “royal” we’re talking about. Maybe King Henry VIII might go along with it. The point is, she’s not sure whether or not she’s wasting her time. Let’s get the details, and then bring down the manslations hammer!
(Note to self: Buy or borrow “manslations hammer”.)
he lectures me about shutting down when i have problems and tells that it puts our relationship in danger, but he does the same, even worse. He picks fights with me and is extremely rude when he has problems, he only tells me his problems so he can vent about the problems but is not interested in my problems and he interrupts me while i’m telling him about the problems that he digs out of me to talk about soccer.
I know he loves me but i’m not sure if his head is in the right place and how much more of the emotional punches i can take from him, coz he takes out his problems out on me and it hurts especially when he passes judgmental statement about the issues that i share with him when i’m not expecting it………
am i wasting my time with this man?????????
Dear Thando,
I have to be very honest with you. The one sentence in here that raises a big question for me is not about his behavior. It’s when you say, “I know he loves me but…” I’m not saying he does or he doesn’t, but I’m sure that you did NOT make the case for all his “love” in your description of the relationship.
GOLDEN RULE 101
Let’s forget about what words he uses or not, and look at his actions, as you describe them. So far, we now know that he:
- …lectures you for shutting down when he does the very same thing
- …only tells you about HIS problems, and is “rude” when he has them.
- …is not interested in hearing about YOUR problems, interrupting you to talk about soccer (or “football” if you’re not from ’round here. Or “wait, hold on–they ran around for 2 hours and nobody even SCORED?!” if you’re me.)
- …hits you with “emotional punches”
- …takes out his problems on you.
- …is judgmental about stuff that you have told him.
Now…I’m sure all you ladies out there are getting all hot and bothered just reading about this fine fellow, right?
WHERE HIS HEAD’S AT
You say you’re not sure his head is in the right place. Well, to put it bluntly, look at that list of stuff he does. That’s it. That is where his head is at. Yikes.
Look, I know that there very well might be some really nice stuff he’s got going for him. I know that it’s entirely possible that you only presented the bad side of things. But here’s what I’d say. Look at the list that I compiled from your request, and ask yourself the following question, seriously:
“Do I want my person-for-life, my mate, my one-and-only to be someone who I could describe like that?”
Now…ok, I stacked the deck a little there. Of course the answer is no. Does that mean that you should dump him immediately? Not necessarily — that’s up to you. But what I think you should think about immediately is addressing this. Admit that what you’ve got isn’t working how you need it to. It isn’t, right?
So, then the decision isn’t about, “Is this ok?” You know it isn’t. The question is, “Is ‘ok’ possible with this guy?” And only you can answer that. Good luck, Thando. You’re not nuts to want what you want. You’re only nuts to try and get it where it’s not available.
What do you see here ladies? Any sense of redemption for these two, or should the mighty manslations hammer…eh…I really have to get one of those hammers before I can make statements like that.
Posted: September 4th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Lisa
Time September 4, 2008 at 10:30 am
Personally, YOUR GUT IS SCREAMING AT YOU……(not me 
your gut!!!)
Begging for you to listen to what is potentially a really narly situation.
If you think about what you said, “how much more of the emotional punches i can take from him.”
You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior!!! I cannot for a second imagine taking emotional punches from anyone.
Why would he need to give you emotional punches if his head is in the right place…..
Answer……………HE WOULDN’T NEED TO, because his head would be in the right place.
Remember, anytime an emotional punch takes place it hurst just as bad as a whack up side the head and is often harder to recover from….
As my mother says…..Run far, Run fast. Especially if you have given every benefit of the doubt.
Comment from Janay
Time September 4, 2008 at 4:21 pm
A girlfriend of mine once told me that it’s not what we CAN deal with, it’s what we’re WILLING to deal with. The way she put it, if I got into a car accident today and became paralyzed, I could deal with it and live a perfectly normal life. It wouldn’t be ideal, but I could do it. Now, does that mean I’m going to go out and smash my legs up and paralyze myself just so I can live a perfectly normal life in a wheelchair? Absolutely not. Just because I CAN do it doesn’t mean I should…
Same with relationships. Just because you CAN deal with a crippling relationship doesn’t mean you should…Are you smashing up your emotional legs every day just because you CAN deal with it? Or are you stuck in a situation that you’re just making the best out of? It’s all in what you’re WILLING to put up with….
Good luck, Thando. If I was you, I would take a good look at what you REALLY want out of life with your partner, ‘cause it kind of sounds like you answered your own question already….
Comment from jess
Time September 4, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Whenever I read someone’s tale of misery combined with some variant of “but he loves me / I love him / we love each other” – I am reminded of my own pop-inspired delusion of “All you need is love,” and the long painful lesson to understand it just ain’t so. Love is not the only requirement for a good relationship – think of how the words “love, honor, and cherish” are combined in vows. Thando, one out of three ain’t good.
Without more info, I could possibly imagine that he does not know how abusive his “communication style” is – he may have grown up in a family learning that is “normal.” (I had to unlearn my own family’s mode of communicating thru sarcasm, put-downs, insults…). That does not mean you have to accept it. A last-ditch effort would be to ask him to go to counseling with you to learn new ways to communicate better, more respectfully.
Alas, from the short description, my guess is that he uses the emotional abuse to try to control you, and he is unlikely to agree to go to counseling… If that IS the case, save yourself and move on.
Comment from mimi
Time September 4, 2008 at 7:47 pm
For your own peace of mind…and no dumpers remourse…I would attempt to communicate with him. Be careful not to bruise his ego, simply tell him how you feel. If hebecomes agitated, abusive or disrepectful of you “feelings” then cut the cat loose. I dealt with someone similar…worse…the emotional abuse was not only draining, but very damaging to me. Also, if he seems willing to talk, great…but see how long he hold to his words. If it lasts for ust a couple of weeks then back to his old ways….RUN. Good Luck, don’t waste too much time with this one….life is much too short to be teaching people a life lesson!
Comment from Ms. Single Mama
Time September 4, 2008 at 10:25 pm
So what’s good about him?
What does he give you?
Other than good sex, which I’m assuming he must because that’s the only reason I would keep a man like this in my life. And even then, I would be dating other men.
Actually – I take that back – regardless of the sex… I wouldn’t have anyone in my life making me feel like crap all of the time. And as for him loving you – is this really how he treats people he loves? Do you really love him?
You may find that without him you’ll be much, much happier. Free of all of this… it will be hard at first but if he ever is going to come around (a minor miracle) you’d have to dump him first to knock some sense into him.
Comment from LA Lady
Time September 5, 2008 at 12:08 am
A lesson I learned the hard way, a leopard can’t change his spots. He will always have some form of this emotionally abusive behavior with you, and you already know that it is wrong and unhealthy. Leave him now and move on to men that treat you better. Real love does not leave you feeling hurt and emotionally bruised time after time.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 5, 2008 at 2:13 am
DearJM: !Gorgeous=Site Newness, no matter what’s writ below!
Bright Lights, Big Cites woke me up; stormee weathering = belated access!
Your “notify me…” is an absolutely darling touch which am hoping 2remember2use!
On the “squirrels” issue, rather than squirreling away my whine [or 2], please allow: (a) Missing the ‘slation dates as topnotes–yes, sloth abiding; AND also sloth abiding (b) “It” was pleasant to know # of comments, then&there at top.
Sure, I know……Count of 3, Am Grown Up!
Honest 2 the Max [unlike DearThando's Lovingfella], the Goodfeel Here izz Real!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 5, 2008 at 2:14 am
ThousandPardons, GreatOne!
Just spied the date; where was it B4…gremlins everywhere!
Comment from Selena
Time September 4, 2008 at 8:42 am
I suppose she could give one last ditch effort to get him to see what he has been doing here, perhaps he is simply oblivious. But my inclination is to say drop the hammer. I think this is just his personality and one that must be terrribly difficult to live with as his partner.