Has He Washed His Hands Of Her?
The question of the day, why won’t Karen’s man take her back? All she did was leave him, for crying out lou– Wait, hang on. Go back one, please?
“Why won’t Karen’s–”
No, no. After that. She LEFT him? Hm…I think I’m starting to see what might be sticking in his craw, so to speak. (FULL DISCLOSURE: I don’t have access to his actual craw, per se, so I’m just guessing at what’s stuck in there. To get a full check of the contents of his craw, we’d first have to check his insurance coverage, it becomes a whole legal thing. Anyway.)
hi,i have just came out of a 5 year relationship wit someone,2 months now.we have a 3 year old son.i moved out of the house we were livin in bcos i felt i needed a break from him and needed 2 be closer 2 family and friends.he was always workin and me and my son were alone alot in the house,as it was the countryside.but when i left,i never said it was for good.now i feel i really want him back and that i want be with him for life.but now hes saying dat he doesnt know what he wants now,and doesnt want to go back with me.i asked him does he love me anymore and he says”"i told u i dont know what i want”"..and never answers my question about lovin me.it just keeps sayin the same thing”"i dont know what i want,im not ready yet”.please translate this for me as im feelin now that i miss him so much and just want us to have a fresh start,but i dont know am i wasting my time…has he wiped his hands of me bcos i left him?
Dear Karen,
Couple of quick things that I couldn’t help but notice here.
#1. YOU LEFT
Now, I can no more determine why you felt that you “needed a break” than I can divine the craw fillings of your man. However, you not only DID feel that way, but you felt that way strongly enough that you decided that it was worth leaving with your 3 year old son.
Now, again, I don’t know you. Maybe you make that kind of decision without putting much thought into it. But, er, I doubt it. So obviously there’s something to this whole “breakup” thing.
#2. HE WON’T LET YOU COME BACK RIGHT NOW
I think that this is one of those situations in which his words are, however slightly, not matching up with his actions. He’s saying he “doesn’t know” what he wants. Well, that’s not quite true. He knows that he doesn’t want to get back together with you right now. So what’s he really saying? Could be:
- Whatever your reason was for leaving, he felt it too, and believes you were right to leave.
- He was hurt when you left him (duh) and is not feeling too eager to put himself out there like that once again. The old “Charlie Brown, Lucy, and the Football” syndrome. Look it up. It’s in all the fancy manslations journals. (This is the only such journal, sadly. But, ah, it’s in here.)
ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME?
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you that either, Karen. There’s just not enough information here. I don’t know why you left in the first place, what your relationship was like. What I can tell you is that, as always, his ACTIONS are what tells the tale here. His action is to keep your relationship firmly in the OFF position.
You might try asking him directly, “So Bartholomew (I don’t know his actual name), are you saying that I should wait, or are you saying that I should move on?” You can’t make him take you back, but it’s not unreasonable to get a clear answer on whether or not he’s planning to, instead of this wishy-washy “I don’t know” stuff.
Good luck, Karen. Since you have a child together, I think it’s only fair to expect him to be straight with you at least that much, so that the 3 of you can move forward to whatever comes next.
What ought Karen try here, ladies? Any thoughts?
Posted: September 8th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 9, 2008 at 12:15 am
Dear Karen,
There’s a reddish flag here on account of Your Toddler who needs & deserves secure peace between His grownups!
Ideally, U2 already worked *IT* out to Your Son’s benefit, at minimum. Seems that U2 barely had a commitment, despite the “five year relationship” PLUS “3 year old son”! Sad but true, Your walk-away shines light on that defect. The fact that a 5-year routine of hormones [yes, Ms. Karen, hormones!] failed to solidify being 2gether kinda confirms Mr.Dad’s hesitating to reunite. ?Which of U first drifted, avoided making stronger commitment [only, food4thought]?
Fastest solution could be 4U to consider what U would need from HIM if the situation was turned around. How and what would U feel? Would UB nervous that a walk-away would be repeated again, and again? IDee Your feelings–which probably would match His.
On the brighter side, He did get out there and support the family. Did He know U felt isolated; any conversation on that?
Walk a minute in His keds, tell Him so.
Try to do *Right* re-YourToddler, and Best Blessings will surely find U2!
Comment from Del
Time September 9, 2008 at 11:18 am
Hi karen,
Hope all is better now. If not, guys you mentioned karen never spoke on why she left. I think she did say something to the nature of being home alone all the time and needing to be around her family. I think when your companion doesn’t take time for you and put all his time towards work, that could cause major issues in a relationship. Because in the end, they may have been more like roommates rather than a family.
Now the other thing I’d like to mention is that maybe he was already involved with someone else before she left. Maybe he wasn’t just spending all his time at work, but infact with another person other than his family.
Just a thought.
Comment from Mar
Time May 18, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Dear Karen,
Any time anyone tells you they don’t know what they want when you’ve asked them such an important question, this means they don’t care enough for you to make it work, but he’s leaving his options open. Why? Because he knows he has a child with you and he’s liable for child support. Because maybe he’s investigating what it’s like to be single again. Because he’s not good enough for you and your child. You are having separation anxiety, big time. Get to a caring therapist. You have a child that needs you badly. You have lived with this guy for five years. In some states, that may make you eligible for financial support as a common law wife, not to mention that you carried and birthed his child and will now raise that child. You and the child need help, big time. Get your self to the court house and file for full legal and physical custody of your child with child support from him at the very least so that he can’t take your child away from you legally and raise him or her with somebody else in your place, then see how much he “cares”, but don’t believe a word he says when he gets the bill. You need to tell a judge what he said to you. You need to stabilize your position physically and financially, then see if he comes crawling to you saying he wants you and his child back in his life.
I would always draw a line of two years on anyone regardless of extenuating circumstances as to why he didn’t marry you within that time limit. You left, so the situation couldn’t have been that good. Remember, your feelings for him are chemical, so treat this as an addiction you have to cure, get help and take care of yourself so you can raise that beautiful child to grow up and be strong. The alternative is that your child will grow up with you and your other as a roll model. Do you really want that?
Take care. This too will pass and you will be ok.
Comment from Selena
Time September 8, 2008 at 8:07 am
I suppose you could try setting a time limit on his “I don’t know”. Tell him you want to make a fresh start and it’s not fair to hang in limbo indefinetly. Let him pick another month or two to figure out what he wants and that’s it.
Really though, the wisdom of getting back together depends on why you split in the first place. Have you/would you be able to work those issues out so they are no longer issues? Or would you just be moving back in to pick up where you left off? I can see him not being keen to have you back if it would just be the same ole’ shtuff all over again.
And after 2 months of separation, how do you know he hasn’t become involved with someone else? That might be the reason he is stalling you…he’s waiting to see where a new relationship is going.
It’s probably been a month or so since you wrote Jeff, what has transpired since then?