manslations

What happens when you have a relationship containing love, but no trust? Just ask Amanda. On second thought, since you probably don’t KNOW Amanda, I’ll save you the trouble of asking her. Actually, she’s gone to the trouble of writing a “manslations request” that explains it all. She’s confused, so let’s help her out, ladies, shall we?

Hi I recently got broken up with by a man that I was dating because I didn’t trust him.  I never let him go out, and I never let  him do anything… I always tied him down, and controlled him… I was just wondering he still says I love you & askes me to hangout and kisses me and holds me and everything… & I don’t know.  I am so confused… He still goes through my phone and checks on who I’m talking to when I’m with him & asks me if I like anyone, but yet hasn’t asked me back out or anything… I’m so confused…

Dear Amanda,

So, let me see if I have a full understanding of your relationship. By your description

YOU…

• …tied him down (And not in a fun way, I’m assuming.)
• …controlled him. (I’m picturing one of those remote control cars. Not because that’s what YOU were doing. I just picture them sometimes.)
• …never let him go out. (Not even to pee and stuff? Oh wait, person, person, right. Not dog, person.)
• …never let him do anything. (That’s a lot of stuff never to let someone do.)

HE…

• …checks on who you’re talking to (oooh, so hot-t-t! Ugh.)
• …goes through your phone, even after dumping you FOR NOT TRUSTING HIM (hot-t-t-er!)

Holy cow. Um. Whatchoo guys doin’ there, girl? And by that, I mean, why does either of you even WANT to get back together?

MANSLATIONS VERDICT: LOVE? OR OBSESSION?

Sounds like you’re describing a man who is as obsessed with controlling YOU as you were with controlling HIM (i.e. you know, a lot.) Usually when someone doesn’t trust their partner, it comes as a result of one of three things:

1. The partner isn’t worthy of trust. Always a good place to start. Obvious, simple, easy to reach.
2. The person isn’t worthy of trust, so they project it onto their partner. (i.e. when a cheater makes you promise, day and night, that you will NEVER cheat on them)
3. The person and/or the partner have issues with trust that have nothing to do with each other.

HOW TO TRUST EACH OTHER 101

In most cases, the lack of trust ain’t going anywhere until both people come to an understanding of REALITY. Either the person is trustworthy or they aren’t. Either the untrusting one is justified or they’re not. As long as the two of you are allowed to just make all that up, well, you see what happens. It’s a total poopstorm.

From what you’ve told me here, I can’t tell which of the three reasons for lack of trust we’re dealing with here. Don’t know how it began, don’t know if it’s all justified, partly justified, or you both just have major trust issues and hit the jackpot by finding each other (yay!) But it doesn’t sound like the two of you are going to figure this out without figuring out if you really SHOULD trust each other. Only way to do that? Yep. You’re going to have to talk about it.

Good luck, Karen. You’re going to have to get real about this, or you’ll both just go on being confused and upset.

Whaddya think, ladies? Anybody have any trust issues they want to talk about? Or don’t you trust me?