Why Did He Change?
He ends the relationship, and he pretends they never broke up. He says she’s trying to change him, but he changed all on his own. He doesn’t want to hear her side of things…but he keeps calling. What is this man DOING? (Other than being a confusing control-freak, I’m assuming.) Let’s hear Millie’s story.
Following an initial year or so of really great times together, growing trust, some travel, great sex, a lot of mutual caring and helping, a definite decline in the overall civility of communication, some cycles to reestablish positive communication and intimacy, seeming success, … bad breakup.
We interrupt this manslations request to give the coveted “Jeff Mac Award for Unbelievably Concise Description of an Entire Relationship.” Congratulations, Millie!
From my perspective no proximate cause, but really ugly. For me, no idea about whether or how it would be possible to get past the language, volume, overall disrespect. Then, he is calling again like nothing happened. I say, “we broke up.” He says, “don’t say that.” I’m laughing – “Oh, no, I was there, we broke up.”
Well, good for you for not falling for the old male jedi mind trick. “These droids never broke up. You can go about your business. Move along.” When someone claims something that nutso, it’s sometimes hard to disbelieve. Like, “Well…no one would lie THAT much, would they?” Yes. Yes, they would.
Total time from meeting to break up, two years. So, a lot of emotional investment and shared good times – we know each other’s friends and family, we live in a very small community … So we try to talk – but only briefly. He says I am trying to change him. I’m trying to figure out why he did change, from a kind, gentle, caring, thoughtful man to an angry, aggressive and cruel narcissist (or, tantrum-throwing two year old).
He says he just does not want to argue, but I think this means that he wants to say what he wants to say and I am not entitled to disagree. I say, fine. I understand. Between the two of us, we are neither what the other needs or wants in a relationship.
Still, he keeps calling – for little or no reason. I am polite, still processing the hurt – and very puzzled.
Your wit and wisdom are appreciated!
Dear Millie,
Well, I think you’ve actually nailed it on your first try. He wants to say what HE wants to say, and doesn’t want to hear your side of it. But why does he still keep calling then?
THE MAP IS NOT THE TERRITORY
A former friend of mine used to have a similar behavior. It was as if he had a map of the way he wished the world was in his head, by which he would navigate. Unfortunately, his mental map didn’t match up with the one, you know, out here where the rest of us live. He would live his life like he had memorized the map, and therefore was completely justified in driving with his eyes closed. And if anything got in his way? Well, that thing was WRONG. Surely his map was fine.
The upshot of it was, whenever something didn’t match up with his expectations, he grew angry, bitter, and belligerent. He acted hurt, wounded, offended, and would ultimately shut down and refuse to deal with that person/event/situation/beverage/smell/etc again, as the case may be.
I refer to this person as a “former friend” because I, like everything and everyone else in his life, ultimately didn’t do whatever weird thing his brain’s version of me said I should do, and I haven’t heard from him in many years as a result. Too bad for me. Worse for him because, you know, he’s still LIKE this. (I assume.)
THE PHANTOM BREAKUP
The part where you had a loud breakup, and he acted like it didn’t happen? Yeah, that’s pretty much the most intense example of this I’ve ever seen. He freaked out at you and then dumped you…but then when that didn’t quite match up with his brain’s version? Yep. Never happened.
VERDICT: NO JEDI FOR YOU
This guy doesn’t live in the real world. He’s hoping that you will stop being so unlike his own personal “acceptable” version of you. He’s hoping you’ll stop being, you know, YOU. And go back to some version that he can deal with. Ideally, you’ll accept his weird version as he dictates it to you.
Don’t do it, Millie. Doesn’t sound like you need me to tell you that. But I’ll confirm for you — yes, his position is as nuts as it sounds. You know what you know. Don’t let him convince you to pretend that you don’t.
Ever dated one of these guys, ladies? My way or the highway? What did you do?
Posted: September 10th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Liz C
Time September 10, 2008 at 12:14 pm
He so wants you to let him off the hook! Don’t let him off!
And I agree with Sassy — it’s time to stop being polite — tell him point-blank to leave you alone.
I’m so sad what seemed to be a good thing ended up turning ugly. You deserve so much better!
Comment from Shelby
Time September 10, 2008 at 5:02 pm
To put it quite bluntly dear, your man has Borderline Personality Disoder. “I mistreat you, create arguements, create drama, act like a child. I hate you, it’s all your fault, you try to change me…Let’s not argue, listen TO ME!! DON’T LEAVE ME, WE DIDN’T BREAK UP!” He will never HEAR what you’re saying. He will only hear what he wants to at any given moment. No matter how you happen to phrase it. He will always have to be right. He probably also throws up much from your past arguements, as well. His acceptable “version” of you is called “splitting.” They see someone only as all good or all bad at any given time. He wants validation from you that he’s an okay guy, for you to let him off the hook. This is because he at certain times views you as all good and you are a reflection on himself, therefore he can’t stand if you view him as “bad,” which would mean that he, himself must be bad in general. These types see only in black and white. And this is white-knuckle therapy. There is no cure, save lengthy counseling. Rarely is there any change. He probably hid much of this from you in the beginning. I’d flee, because this guy is not going to be able to be the person you first met. He never was. If you care about him, get him counseling.
Comment from Carolyn
Time September 10, 2008 at 9:05 pm
He’s gaslighting you. Narcissists don’t get better with age, they get worse. Be glad it was only two years, and move on. Good luck to you 
Comment from Selena
Time September 15, 2008 at 11:23 pm
I think he keeps calling you because he hasn’t found anyone else yet. You put up with his crap for a long time before the final split and he misses fighting with you, as in getting his say and then cutting you off. He isn’t getting this outlet anywhere else as of yet. His boss, coworkers, male friends doubtless won’t put up with it.
I don’t know why he changed after a year, maybe the relationship had simply run it’s course by then–honeymoon over–no more being on “best behavior”. But does it matter? For the last year you’ve had to deal with his temper tantrums. Enough is enough. Don’t put anymore time in with this one.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 16, 2008 at 9:35 am
Thanks so much, everybody, for confirming what I was suspecting. I believe the clinical term is “kook.” Neediness is like cockroaches. Starve them and…well, they won’t die completely. But they might start sniffing around someone else’s kitchen. (Sorry, it’s autumn in New York, when a young man’s fancy turns to “How in the hell am I going to stop these creatures from coming IN this year!?”)
Comment from Millie
Time September 16, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Thank you all so much for the support. I am putting a transcript of your collective insight in my bedside table drawer, along with the transcript of “No More A**holes,” for when I feel a little needy myself. Speaking of which, this manslation could not have come at a better time. I mean, the last two months have reconfirmed that he is living on his own planet, where he is always right, and anyone who has a different view of the world is just wrong, even though he contradicts his own infallible dictates in words and actions. I am grateful for the clear advice of just not answering the phone when he calls. I tend to think I owe people courtesy and respect, and moreso based on closeness – but it isn’t doing either of us any good. And in the end, I can only look out for myself. Thanks again!
Comment from Sassy
Time September 10, 2008 at 9:30 am
Millie, I’m sorry for all you have had to deal with. And your last line spoke to me: “I am polite.” While I was also raised correctly by my momma, you need to just put this relationship (or whatever it is now) down. If he calls, don’t answer. (If you don’t have caller ID, now is the time to invest, even for three months) Don’t play his game; take care of yourself, walk away, don’t look back, surround yourself with you girlfriends, etc.
You sound like a lady with a good head on her shoulders, so I know you will find someone who knows who he is and what map he’s using.
Take Care!