Comments on: Why Did He Change?

By: Millie

Millie — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:36:49 +0000

Thank you all so much for the support. I am putting a transcript of your collective insight in my bedside table drawer, along with the transcript of “No More A**holes,” for when I feel a little needy myself. Speaking of which, this manslation could not have come at a better time. I mean, the last two months have reconfirmed that he is living on his own planet, where he is always right, and anyone who has a different view of the world is just wrong, even though he contradicts his own infallible dictates in words and actions. I am grateful for the clear advice of just not answering the phone when he calls. I tend to think I owe people courtesy and respect, and moreso based on closeness – but it isn’t doing either of us any good. And in the end, I can only look out for myself. Thanks again!

By: Jeff Mac

Jeff Mac — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:35:43 +0000

Thanks so much, everybody, for confirming what I was suspecting. I believe the clinical term is “kook.” Neediness is like cockroaches. Starve them and…well, they won’t die completely. But they might start sniffing around someone else’s kitchen. (Sorry, it’s autumn in New York, when a young man’s fancy turns to “How in the hell am I going to stop these creatures from coming IN this year!?”)

By: Selena

Selena — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 03:23:07 +0000

I think he keeps calling you because he hasn’t found anyone else yet. You put up with his crap for a long time before the final split and he misses fighting with you, as in getting his say and then cutting you off. He isn’t getting this outlet anywhere else as of yet. His boss, coworkers, male friends doubtless won’t put up with it.

I don’t know why he changed after a year, maybe the relationship had simply run it’s course by then–honeymoon over–no more being on “best behavior”. But does it matter? For the last year you’ve had to deal with his temper tantrums. Enough is enough. Don’t put anymore time in with this one.

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 01:05:46 +0000

He’s gaslighting you. Narcissists don’t get better with age, they get worse. Be glad it was only two years, and move on. Good luck to you

By: Shelby

Shelby — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:02:36 +0000

To put it quite bluntly dear, your man has Borderline Personality Disoder. “I mistreat you, create arguements, create drama, act like a child. I hate you, it’s all your fault, you try to change me…Let’s not argue, listen TO ME!! DON’T LEAVE ME, WE DIDN’T BREAK UP!” He will never HEAR what you’re saying. He will only hear what he wants to at any given moment. No matter how you happen to phrase it. He will always have to be right. He probably also throws up much from your past arguements, as well. His acceptable “version” of you is called “splitting.” They see someone only as all good or all bad at any given time. He wants validation from you that he’s an okay guy, for you to let him off the hook. This is because he at certain times views you as all good and you are a reflection on himself, therefore he can’t stand if you view him as “bad,” which would mean that he, himself must be bad in general. These types see only in black and white. And this is white-knuckle therapy. There is no cure, save lengthy counseling. Rarely is there any change. He probably hid much of this from you in the beginning. I’d flee, because this guy is not going to be able to be the person you first met. He never was. If you care about him, get him counseling.

By: Liz C

Liz C — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 16:14:07 +0000

He so wants you to let him off the hook! Don’t let him off!

And I agree with Sassy — it’s time to stop being polite — tell him point-blank to leave you alone.

I’m so sad what seemed to be a good thing ended up turning ugly. You deserve so much better!

By: Sassy

Sassy — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:30:15 +0000

Millie, I’m sorry for all you have had to deal with. And your last line spoke to me: “I am polite.” While I was also raised correctly by my momma, you need to just put this relationship (or whatever it is now) down. If he calls, don’t answer. (If you don’t have caller ID, now is the time to invest, even for three months) Don’t play his game; take care of yourself, walk away, don’t look back, surround yourself with you girlfriends, etc.

You sound like a lady with a good head on her shoulders, so I know you will find someone who knows who he is and what map he’s using.

Take Care!