manslations

What happens when you’re with a guy who is, how shall I say it, not incredibly secure with himself? Well, you might see some seriously erratic behavior. A reader calling herself “Someone” seems to have hit the jackpot (if you happen to live near a casino where the slot machines pay out in the form of basket case dudes.) She wants to know — what is UP with all the whiplash back-n-forth? Let’s take a look.

Alrighty, Ive been married and divorced (abusive marriage blah blah boring)…

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Winner of the Jeff Mac’s Choice for Most Hilariously Brief Divorce Description Award.)

anyways, Im having trouble with getting over a relatively short “relationship” of 6 weeks. We went to high school together and university but I was engaged at the time so nothing came of it. Recently got together and it was great although the theme of the stint was being asked questions like “how many people have you slept with” (first question after sex… never been asked that so soon or at all really!) and then there was a fixation on penis size. I was asked repeatedly (while we were in the intimate mode!) how big Ive had and after saying I didnt think that was relevant, he kept asking and if I didnt answer he said I wasnt communicating! Whats with that?

I’m laughing a little, and I hope that this poor guy doesn’t take that as casting aspersions upon him or his penis. I’m just saying…fella, if you’re asking about how big she’s had, like, WHILE you’re doin’ it? Uh…you might need to boost the ol’ confidence before you date again. Take some karate or something.

I eventually told him but felt pressured and uneasy, If I didnt like him so much I would have just left and been done with it. Is this normal???? I understand curiosity but it just seemed like a competition and made the whole experience less intimate.

Normal? I don’t know. I have no idea what “normal” is. But I’d say that yes, men DO worry about about the comparative size of their equipment. Why?

COMPETITION

Hey, I’ve seen the Discovery Channel, ok? Gentleman animals compete for lady animals. They do it however they can. A lot of men think of life in terms of competition, thus the stereotypical sports fetish. Why?

1. We understand it. We understand WINNER and LOSER because it’s right there, in black and white, on the scoreboard at the end of the game. BIGGER and SMALLER is the same.
2. If a man IS competitive, he does certainly doesn’t like to lose.
3. We can’t do anything about the size, so some men see it as a potential lifelong achilles heel in their competitive powers. That would be a bad loss because, well, barring some weird procedure in Scandinavia or buying a device and/or herb from a spam email, he can’t improve this particular element of his anatomy.

Juvenile? Sure. Should they get over it? Of course. But it does happen for some dudes.

We got along so well except for this part. He seemed to me to be over the top when it came to sex, telling me he hadnt felt this before. I do get that guys say things like that and its not true.. but he was full on saying “what have I done to him” and every manner of the world about my so called very womanly body – hmmm hope this isnt turning into porn hahaha!)

Um…you know, Someone, I guess you just haven’t been exposed to that much “adult material” in your time. This would fall more under the heading of “romance novel.” As in, “what he thought you wanted to hear.” He was trying to be fantastic. To make up for the inadequacies in the equipment in the basement, if you know what I mean. His genitals, if you don’t know what I mean. (Please see your doctor if you STILL don’t know what I mean.)

I just want to know.. after such EXTREME attraction he lost interest so fast. I do understand also that we all can lose interest at any point but how does it become that fast? And why does he want a friendship now? Im not good at friendships after Ive had a relationship – and now Im acting like a complete fool because Im having trouble getting over him! 6 weeks isnt long but I feel I stuffed up (got drunk a few times together and said silly things like he “might be too sensitive” which didnt go down too well)  Is there something wrong with asking if they might be too sensitive?? (read asked! not told)

What makes a man turn off so fast from being TOO full on for my liking (and I let him know he was) ???

Dear Someone,

Ok, take a deep breath. No, I’m not talking to you, Someone. I’m talking to HIM. Holy cow. This guy is just too insecure for his own good. From what I can see, he is desperately, spastically trying to grab onto ANYTHING to bolster his wobbly confidence.

SOMETIMES A CIGAR IS JUST A CIGAR

Look, if you were a strict Freudian type person, you might think that ALL of his insecurities stemmed from the whole sexual inadequacy thing. I’d say it’s the opposite, and it’s a little darker than that. He’s insecure from head to toe, and he’s looking for ANYthing to solve that. As in:

• NUMBER OF LOVERS: His frantic brain was trying to see — how did he stack up? What was the field like? Where did he fit in? Was he special? Or do you sleep with just anyone?
• SIZE OF WEEWEE: How’m I doing? What’s the verdict? Give it to me straight! Wait, IS it straight? Is it supposed to be crooked? Hello? Hello!?
• BEST HE EVER HAD: “Oh, you’re the best! Erm…so am I, right? Right? It’s great, right? Huh?“
• TOO SENSITIVE? WHAT!?: You said this, and it didn’t go over well (Oh, I just bet it didn’t, heh.) Why? Well, not only does he know damn WELL that he’s too sensitive, but he lives in terror of this (or any) weakness being noticed by someone else. And you noticed.
• LET’S STILL BE PALS, ‘KAY?: Couldn’t take the idea of losing you 100%. He just wanted to make sure you still like him. And you do, right? Right? Hello? Don’tcha like me still?

VERDICT: EXHAUSTING

It would be one thing if you could actually do anything about this guy’s insecurities. I mean, if you could reassure him and it would WORK, that would be great. But for this guy, reassurance is like booze. It’s always that next compliment that’s going to finally give him peace. Just one more drink, just one more compliment, same thing.

So, unless you’re interested in being his addiction of choice, Someone, I’d say you might want to disconnect here. This problem isn’t something you can likely fix. This is his deal. And until he deals with it, he’s likely going to be trying to get YOU to deal with it. Not fun.

Ever been with a guy like this one, ladies? How did it all go down?