What do Guys REALLY Think of Girl-on-Girl?
It’s Friday, people. So, how’s about we end the week on a hot-t-t one? A reader named Miss Curious has spent some intimate time with women, and she wants to know how this might effect her relationship with men. So, what REALLY happens when a guy finds out about this kind of thing? Should she tell him? And should any of the men who are reading this stop stammering and sweating right now? Inquiring minds want to know!
I am really curious to see how guys REALLY feel when they find out their gf/wife has been with other women. I don’t want to lie – but I just don’t feel comfortable with telling anyone. I don’t cheat on guys I am with – I have only been with women when I am single and only on a sexual level – nothing more. How do guys really feel about it? Do they see it as a double threat? (It drove my ex nuts when I went out on girls night out lol). Or do they automatically assume 3some potential – I honestly would like to know what a reasonable guy would think if I were to come clean. Is it lying if I don’t?
Thanks,
Miss Curious
Dear Miss (bi) Curious,
This is an interesting one because as you know — the whole idea of two women in the same bed just makes a lot of men go all funny inside. On the one hand, well, it’s the hottest thing we’ve ever imagined. And don’t you worry — we’ve imagined it. Like, a lot. On the other hand, apparently some guys (like your ex maybe) start to wonder, “Er, how come I wasn’t invited?”
Even though your request is short (a million thank yous for that, by the way ) there are a few different questions in there. Let’s take ‘em on in random order. I’m feeling random.
IS IT LYING IF YOU DON’T TELL?
As long as it doesn’t affect him medically (hint: this shouldn’t) whatever you’ve done or not done is your business and yours alone unless and until YOU decide it isn’t. I can’t imagine why any guy would feel it was “lying” to omit specific details of your sexual partners. I mean, no guy could make the case that it actually “concerned” him in any way, unless he was not ok with homosexuality in general in which case, uh, I hate to break it to you but that guy probably won’t react well.
If he was like me and a lot of guys, er, he’d love to hear about it. Just kinda sorta. Hey, what do you want from me? I am only human, people.
IS IT A DOUBLE THREAT?
I don’t totally resonate with this one. I mean, either he feels like you’re going to cheat on him or he doesn’t. If he already feels like you might stray, well, adding another gender into the mix doesn’t really cause problems. It just takes the already existing problem and adds a little spice to it. But that original problem — the lack of trust — that’s the real problem there.
Look, no guys like imagining their woman giving herself to another man. And no, it’s not this Madonna/Whore thing (a distinction that has become less meaningful since the release of “Like a Virgin” I think.) It’s a competition thing. A lot of men like to WIN. And the idea that you thought of someone else in a sexual way is not something we like to dwell on. However in that sense, frankly, picturing my woman with a woman doesn’t seem like as much of a threat. As in, “Hell, I wasn’t even in the RUNNING in that race.”
WILL HE AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME 3SOME POTENTIAL?
I don’t know that a mature guy will assume it. Most guys have heard enough women, even just on TV, complaining about their moron boyfriend who always wants to have a threesome. We get it. You’re not into it. Fine. Break our hearts. (snif) Excuse us…(snif)…we think we have something in our eye…
But seriously. The fact that you’ve actually had sex with women might give some guys more of a glimmer of hope there. And some guys (i.e. the douchebags who won’t leave this topic alone in the first place) will likely kick it into gear, yeah. But most mature guys get it, I think.
But again, given all that, even if he’s not assuming the potential, er, he’ll sure be picturing it. Like, instantly. And in full Hi Def. (Sorry, sorry.) If it makes you feel any better…well, he was probably thinking about it on occasion even before you said anything. (Really sorry.)
WHAT DO REASONABLE GUYS REALLY THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS?
I guess there are a few possible reactions.
- OH BOY!: I know that in my life when I’ve heard such confessions (and in my past, it’s been at LEAST 50/50 or more in favor of women having at least some same-sex experience. It’s just not that uncommon, I think) I will admit that my first reaction is that it’s the hottest thing that ever happened in the history of the Earth. And that’s me — I mean, I’m NICE, ok? So you can only imagine what goes through some of the less-nice brains out there. Sorry about that, but it’s probably one of the reactions you’re going to get.
- 3SOME!? As I said, yes, some dudes will go here. But only in their fevered imaginations, most of them. And if he wants to have sex with you already, well, his imagination’s pretty fevered anyway. But no, it won’t necessarily have to be an actual reality for most guys.
- IS SHE STILL? He might well wonder if when an attractive woman walks down the street, whether or not you are still attracted to women. Doesn’t mean it’s a problem. But he might wonder.
I think the bottom line is this. If a guy has a problem with this, it REVEALS insecurity, it doesn’t CREATE it. As in, if he thinks that there ARE threats to your relationship, absolutely, this will make it worse. But if he doesn’t worry about you cheating with men, I don’t see him starting in about women.
Good luck, Miss Curious. Bottom line, the right guy will be fine with this. And he’ll be fine with you telling him when you’re ready to tell him. And if he’s anything like me, well, he will think it is just peachy, I promise.
Ever jumped the fence and then told the tale, ladies? How did the guy react?
Posted: September 12th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Val
Time September 12, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I was engaged to a man who’d I’d been with for about four years, before dating a woman for about ten. I just broke it off with the woman about a year ago and have been dating only men since then. I was quite nervous about how guys might react to the news of 10 years with a woman, but I have to tell you – no need! I’ve had nothing but positive, and often down right enthusiastic reactions to this piece of information. So don’t sweat it, Miss Curious. It’s no big deal.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 12, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Oh! Dears,
First thought was to pass the topic because woman-2-woman romance is not my cuppaTea. But, allow 1.5cents from an unrepentantly [One!] man’s woman.
JMdear, your point about “trust” is the kitty’s best meow. Male/Female anxiety on issue of Who-Did & Wants2Do-Whom revolves around trust. Oh, chastityBelts!
Happy2offer affirmation 2Ms. Curious, who seems a bit unsteady, unsure about Her womanly expressions. Text seems to give off that She’s sorta uncomfortable indulging in that delicacy. An 88yr old hetero-woman who remained coupled, 60 years 2Same man explained to me her theory on same-sex treats as being: Love is Love, whether of a person or one’s sexuality!
Some women friends have had women as partners, and some male friends–males. Some romances were both friendship & sex-based, and generally much in the open. If any relation is embarrassing, charm is dulled, whether it’s a *same or non-same” sexual pleasure.
Bottomline, Ms. Curious: Don’t fret about a guy who moans that You arrived at the door with a Smile! It’ll be his Loss!
Comment from Miss Curious
Time September 13, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Yep, its the OP here:)
Jeff – you gave an EXCELLENT response. Fact is, I have not been dating seriously for about 3 years now due to the fact that my last relationship was a total abusive nightmare. I have pretty much forgotten what it was like to date anyone that is well… *normal.*
I have had several sexual encounters with woman in all my 27 years. It’s still something that I am coming to terms with as I mature, so mmagnolia hit the nail on the head with my level of comfort in discussing this.
I love women, being with women but have never been interested in actually having a relationship with a woman. As the first commenter said, I love the peen too much to give it up 
The reason I asked how REASONABLE men think when told this kind of information (if I were to tell them) is because I know what the douchebag’s reaction would be. No worries, my douchebag radar is pretty much finetuned to a nanometer these days so that is a non-issue.
I just feel like I would be lying if I were not to divulge this information in a serious relationship down the road. It could change though, as you said, the right person it shouldn’t matter.
PS – sending in another question from the latest dating episode. It will be short again
Thank You!
Comment from Miss Curious
Time September 13, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Also wanted to add, excellent point about it revealing the insecurity rather than creating it. Writing this down now…
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time September 16, 2008 at 9:38 am
Miss Curious: I’m glad to hear that your douchebag-o-meter has been calibrated correctly. And again, if a guy is reasonable, I can’t imagine any unsurmountable turbulence from this. (And as T pointed out, hell, it may very well become his most very favorite tale.)
Comment from marty
Time May 9, 2009 at 10:36 pm
OK, I know I’m a bit late commenting on this, but I just recently discovered manslations.
I am bisexual… I actually prefer the term queer, because for me, it is not just about sex, but that’s another story.
My ex (male) was fine with my bisexuality, sometimes thought it was hot, sometimes thought it was cool because it showed my non-conformist ways, but still, every now and then he’d get incredibly jealous, particularly of my lesbian friends. Frankly, it was a pain, but hey, nobody is perfect. I had to explain to him at least every couple of years (I guess his memory was not what it used to be) that no, I would not grow uninterested and unfulfilled with him because he was a man and not a woman (I did grow uninterested and unfulfilled, however, because he was an self-absorbed irresponsible man). No, I did not need to have sex with women while in a relationship with him, same ways as I didn’t need to have sex with other men…
There appears to be this misconception that bisexual means you are in to open relationships, but me, no, not really. I am bisexual monogamist.
I normally try to bring up the fact that I’ve been in relationships with women pretty early on because it is very telling to see how a guy reacts about this (or lesbian girl when learning I’ve been with men). I am not interested in dating a homophobe (or heterophobe) or someone whose only understanding of non-straightness is mainstream depictions of to barbie-looking girls kissing/making out/getting it on. But that’s just me.
Comment from T
Time September 12, 2008 at 10:03 am
Well now….
I have been with girls myself. A few of my girlfriends ran into problems with jealousy once they shared the story with their significant others. I actually know another girl who left her husband recently for a woman. I can see where the threat is more real these days as society gets more relaxed with the idea of same-sex couples. But as you stated, this could easily have applied to cheating in general.
I asked my soldier about it (and of course, he only wants details. like as often as I can dish them out. like its his favorite set of bedtime stories…).
He said that he’s not threatened by it at all because he knows I love the penis. And girls, very simply, lack in that area. He’s quite cocky about it actually. (yeah, I had to go there.)