manslations

What kind of questions can’t Reallady’s man answer — that type of question that men LEAST like to field? Well, let me answer that question with another question:

Q: In what state would Wild Bill Hickock prefer his gun be set up before a show?

A: LOADED

Reallady is giving her man some tough hurdles and he doesn’t seem to be able to clear all of them. Let’s see what the story is here.

Hello Jeff,

I really need help. I and a guy FRIEND have been talking for a few months now by phone and email and chat, and also we have been out several times.

Ok, now, I sense that you’re trying to tell me something with your capitalization scheme there. I can’t…quite…put my finger on it. Hm….I’ll have to think more about you and your FRIEND.

However we both do have weird schedules.

Of course. He’s got luge practice at nights, but you’re stuck in yodeling class all day. How do you keep up? I’m sure that’s what you mean, and I get it. Tough stuff, tough stuff. (Again, people, leave out the details, and I’m happy to fill ‘em in!)

All the signs sorta show me he does really care and he has said he does when I asked before, and he has said he missed me a few times, etc… and he always says hope to talk to you again soon and big hugs!! when we stop chatting and such.

Ok, all sounds hunky, dory, AND friendly. Just what you want, right?

Once a while back I asked him if he liked me more than friends and he said he really did not know how to answer that, then I found out later that was because he had thought I did not want to be more than friends because I had made it perfectly clear what my position was, that I had morals, standards, values, etc…

S…so, is he right? I mean…DO you want no more than a friendship? You can see why he might feel a little funny about answering such a strange question, coming from someone who “had made it perfectly clear.”

He has always respected me. Also when we have been out we have hugged a lot, but that is all, and that is how I want it right now.

Again, if there is absolutely nothing more than hugging — and that’s how you want it — he might take that as a sign that you don’t think of him as someone you might want to…you know, MORE than hug. Like, ever. In fact, without any other info, how could he take it otherwise?

But recently I asked him did he think he could be emotionally available to me and he said he didn’t know how to answer that, and then he had to go after that and said he hoped to talked to me again soon. Why can he not answer? A friend said it sounded like he had been hurt very badly. What do you think? I am totally confused..

Thanks so much!
Reallady

Dear Reallady,

Well, first of all, we’ve all be “hurt very badly.” Who hasn’t, honestly? And in this case, it doesn’t matter in the least. That’s not why he’s so gunshy. Sometimes we’re gunshy because, you know, there’s a GUN. Let me ‘splain.

IMPOSSIBLE QUESTIONS 101

For a lot of guys, we’ve been asked plenty of bad questions in our time. “Where do you see this relationship going?” leaps to mind, for the sheer Sophie’s Choice-ness of it all. As in, what are his options for an answer? As he sees it, Marriage (today) or breaking up (today). That’s kinda-sorta a big decision to make.

Why does a guy leap to such extremes? Because he doesn’t know where you’re coming from when you ask this “open-ended” question. I know, I know, you SAY all you want is for him to be honest with you. Yeah, well, he doesn’t know that. You could be asking him anything.

Let’s take one of your specific questions: “I asked him if he liked me more than friends?”

And he muffed it, right? “Well…erm….who’s asking? I mean, why? What…how do you…I mean, why, why? What’s the—hello?” Whew. Been there.

He waffled on it because you could have been asking any number of things. Such as:

• I like YOU more than friends, and I want to know if you feel the same way.
• I do NOT like you more than friends (as I told you) but I think YOU might.

Now, there’s a pretty wiiiiiiiiide gap between those possibilities. Like, wide enough that if he reads the question wrong, his answer could be either fantastic or horribly embarrassing and painful.

VERDICT: SHOW HIM THE MONEY

And by “the money” I mean “how you feel.” (The exchange rate might be tough to figure, but what can you do?) Why? Well, you seem to have been pretty guarded with him, for whatever reason. He seems to have gotten the idea that you weren’t interested in more than friends. He said you “made it clear.” Well, if you made it clear that this was a FRIENDship, how’s he supposed to know that you changed ships to a RELATIONship if you don’t also go ahead and make THAT clear, see what I’m saying?

I’m only putting the onus on you because you seem to have been setting the pace thus far. If you want to change pace, you’re going to have to do a little more than ask HIM what pace HE might like. You’re going to have to nudge him along a little with some answers of your own before he knows where you’re at. After all, if you’ve been “clear” with him so far, he can only expect you’ll keep on being clear. So, you know, DO that, or else he won’t know how to answer these or any other questions.

Good luck, Reallady! You show him yours and he’ll show you his!

Oh ladies of the interwebs? Ever had a man balk at such questions? How’d you pry the info out of him?