A Resurfacing Man in Four Episodes
Ah, it’s been a while since we’ve seen him, our old friend, the Resurfacing Man. And isn’t that always the way? Just when you thought you were out, he PULLS YOU BACK IN! (Thanks, Pacino.) Our amazingly orderly request comes from a reader incongruously named Dizzy. Let’s see what flavor of Resurfacer we’re dealing with, and what the prognosis is.
Hi Jeff,
Following are four episodes from my own personal soap opera (and I don’t even like watching soaps). I wish I had known about Manslations way back at Episode 1. I tried to recap them for you so you only have to read the juicy bits. This man has me running circles inside my head and I am so confused…please help!
EPISODE 1
* We met through work and things were rolling along great. HE brought up that he had told his friends I was the girl he was going to marry someday.
* After 3 months, he withdrew and became distant.
* He was unsure if he loved me still, but, said he didn’t know what he would do without me in his life.
* Things didn’t change and I took it very personally. We broke up.
Ok, Diz. See what I did there? I’ve bolded a few words. See where I’m heading with this? If you take those things as the truth, well, his actions aren’t going to make any sense at all. But if you pay attention to the actions and forget the words, well, you see where he’s at.
EPISODE 2
* We get back together. He said he never stopped loving me.
* Outside of work, he was showing signs of depression. He would rarely talk about it or get help.
* He initiated a break-up and said he didn’t want to drag me down and that he was holding me back from finding someone else, that he was afraid of a long-term relationship and afraid that if things went sour and people at work found out they would see him as the “bad guy”.
* We decide to be “just friends” and I am heartbroken…again.
Ok. In this case I bolded the whole thing. Why would I do that, you ask? Well, I’m going to tell you if you’ll just give me a second to get a word in! Sheesh. Thanks. Ok, here it is:
NEWSFLASH ABOUT BREAKUPS: Whenever a man says something while dumping you that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, you can be pretty sure that he’s trying to say what you want to hear. As in, whatever will get him out the door in the smoothest fashion possible. Note that nothing he said was a negative about your relationship. He didn’t want to drag YOU down, he was holding YOU back, HE was afraid, blah, blah, blah. It’s all crap. Almost nobody ever likes being with someone so much that they dump them.
EPISODE 3
* I went off to grad school in a different state (10 hours away).
* He would check in a few times and then out of the blue sent a short e-mail that made himself sound to be miserable and signed it: love, (his name).
* I didn’t want to assume anything and freak him out (it could have been a friendly ‘love’?) so I said nothing about it.
* He wouldn’t return my phone calls.
* I invited him (by voicemail) to hang out with some mutual friends around the holiday and he bailed out twice with poor excuses and had a friend tell me he wouldn’t be making it.
* A few days later, I sent him an e-mail saying that I still had feelings for him and I could not be just friends (or whatever we were at that point) with him anymore. It just wasn’t working for me and I wished him well.
Hm. Interesting. He was depressed…and then attempted to reconnect to you in a way that might a.) make you feel bad for him AND b.) stir up love-ish feelings within the cockles of and around your heart, eh? Hm. What’s that I’m hearing? It’s almost like…like the sound that a Resurfacing Man makes, just at the moment when he resurfaces. Hm. Probably just the wind.
See how he did what he did? He was looking for attention, looking to see that you still liked him. Nevermind that it might hurt you. Nevermind that it wasn’t fair to you. Nevermind that he wasn’t responding when YOU wanted to talk to him, or that he bailed on you once he hooked you. This contact was all about HIM and how he wanted to stir up how you felt about him. Classic Resurfacing Man.
EPISODE 4
* No contact for 2 months. He calls me and asks if it would be alright if he bought a flower on my behalf for a funeral service that I couldn’t attend due to school and being so far away. He said he knew it would mean a lot to me.
* I caved and we talked. He said he missed my voice and that things weren’t the same without me there. He asked if I was ok and admitted that he had been pretty miserable lately. He said that he had not been avoiding me. He had talked to a doctor about depression and was on meds and doing well. He wants to hang out when I come back .
* Since this initial call, he has been keeping his distance (calling/e-mailing every 2-3 months).
* We have plans to meet in a month.
* I am still in love with him (even though I feel like I should be over him by now). I also want to protect myself from getting hurt again and don’t want to lose him as a friend.
Dear Dizzy,
Yeah, you could have stopped after Episode 3 in terms of the general diagnosis. Ma’am, you appear to have a Resurfacing Man problem. Just to recap, a Resurfacer’s M.O. and/or pattern seems to be:
- Get you to be interested in him.
- Weasel his way out of your life (now that his mission — the interest — is complete).
- Get back in touch when he’s lonely.
- Once he gets some attention from you, POOF
- Rinse and Repeat. Well, repeat anyway. Rinsing is optional (though recommended, at least once a day. However, that likely goes beyond the purview of this website.)
IS RESURFACING AN INCURABLE DISEASE?
Well…probably not in the long term. But how many Episodes do you want to go through to find out? (I mean, just going by the Star Wars template, you’re already into this thing one too many, and well into the totally Jar-Jar infested crapola.)
The only strategy I can see that will give you the slightest bit of control in the situation is to go straight into the Resurfacer’s main weapons battery, and take the thing apart. As in, describe him back to him.
Tell him something along the lines of, “Honestly, I don’t know how to proceed here. You disappear for months, then you come back, say what I want to hear, and then vanish again.I’m not even trying to get you to change. I just don’t know how to read you if we’re going to do this every few months until we’re up into the “Friday the 13th” number of episodes, and Jason Voorhees goes off into space with…”
Ok, you don’t have to get into episode metaphors with him. But you get my point. It’s not an attack. It’s a very clear description of what you’ve experienced, and a request for an explanation. Not what you want to hear. The truth.
Good luck, Dizzy. I don’t know if he can be rehabilitated. But if you don’t get some answers out of him, he’ll keep dragging you down with him whenever he feels like it.
Anybody out there rehab a Resurfacing Man? How’d you do it?
Posted: September 16th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from KC
Time September 16, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Dizzy – I think both Jeff & Selena nailed this one perfectly!
I too have experienced something very similar. Nothing good came from it, and I ended up just waisting way too much time on something that wasn’t worth pursuing.
In the end, I would ask yourself these questions: Even if you two were to get back together, would you really every fully trust that he wouldn’t lose interest again sometime down the road? Are you willing to take that risk and invest even more time into something that has very poor odds (given his history) Are you willing to settle for something that you’re obviously not happy with? Is he really that fabulous that you need to hang onto him? Don’t forget that every time he dismisses you, it’s a small rejection, which in some way must be affecting your self confidence. Is he really worth all of this?
Comment from Heather
Time September 16, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Great advice and timely, once again. You see, I have a resurfacer who drops the DD (douchebag disclaimer) every time we are together. Yet, I still talk to him, think about him and sometimes make contact. It’s gotten to the point where it’s a joke between us. I know he won’t call and so does he. He’s not even worth my time. My family and friends don’t know what I see in him. There’s nothing there that could ever be sustainable from what he’s shown me.
My prescription. Meet other people. Experience what it is like to be someone’s priority. You may not ever completely forget about him, if you love him as you say, but at least you’ll know how it’s supposed to feel when someone cares for you. Good luck Dizzy.
Comment from Del
Time September 16, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Oh yes, I have a tale of a resurfacing man alright. The sad thing about this one is that we broke up over 4 years ago.
Initially after the first year we broke up, he called and left messages that I never returned. Then, by the 2nd year, he was up to calling me every 2 months..on holidays, my birthday..his birthday..etc..etc..
One time he called me and left 10 messages in a row, (psycho)… I still didn’t return his call.
By the 3rd year, I couldn’t take it anymore. The year before, i heard that he had a baby during one of his crazy calling moments. So i answered just for the sake of putting him on the spot about his behavior. I asked him why he was calling..he said he felt we should have some kind of contact because we spent so many years together (5 totaling in between break ups).
Finally, i simply put it that he was green and I was purple..those two colors don’t go well together so we couldn’t possibly work in any type of relationship.. trying to be nice but letting him see that we have nothing in common that would make a friendship work..when that didn’t work, I let him have it about the fact that he should be focusing on his new baby… He was shocked that I was aware…revealing that he was never going to tell me…since he first said it’s not true then finally decided to defend himself instead.. after which he left me alone..
Well only for a few months anyways.. Now he’s texting me…the last text received was just before the summer.. I never say anything polite to him. If his M.O. is that he’s depressed, then he won’t want to contact me because I won’t make him feel better because I’ve been very impolite. Basically reminding him of why were not friends and the fact that his presence reminds me of a life I want to forget.. That makes him feel worse about himself and then he backs off. Why is it that he won’t just except my initial kindness about us not being in communication. I hate that I have to be mean to make him leave me alone. If he’s bored or between girlfriends…again…it won’t work.. This is the longest that I haven’t heard from him. The next time, i think i’m going to have to lie and say I’m engaged… i just simply refuse to change my cell number..
Comment from Sassy
Time September 16, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Hi all,
It might not be that easy for some, but I just say, delete the emails, get caller ID and do not answer, do not even be polite. Be non-existent. Act like you dropped off the earth. He would if he found something he liked and would sustain his needs.
Good luck. And just say, “no.”
Comment from Angel
Time September 17, 2008 at 11:09 am
Hi Dizzy:
I agree with Heather’s prescription. Only thing to beware of is if you decide not to give him any attention the next time he pops up (which is my prescription), he will most likely pursue you heavily, calling just like you wish he would and laying it on thick, probably saying all the things you wish he would – possibly all in an attempt to reassure himself that he still has you right where he wants you (emotionally avail to him -and I hate to use that term bc it is so overused however it makes my point so please forgive me:) ). I don’t think he’s a monster out to hurt you and might not even be aware of how his actions hurt you- he’s probably only aware that he is lonely and that he can call you for the boost he needs. This is not a ‘blame him’, but an ‘empower you’ response. If he does lay it on thick like I think he might, you will be tempted to give in. I am not saying you should or you shouldn’t – what do I know?? All I know is that if you do give in and he disappears again, you really should cut him off. I don’t know you, but I’d be willing to bet you deserve better. Besides, we women are sometimes to conditioned to being in turmoil over a man’s feelings and intentions that we don’t realize it’s not normal or healthy for us and our self-esteem to give these kinds of guys too much mental/emotional energy. There is a better way (and with a guy who we feel love towards, not just the guy we don’t want wanting us, lol). Best of luck !!
Comment from Lucia
Time September 17, 2008 at 12:55 pm
There’s no need to keep this guy in your life any longer. He has shown time and time again that he’s really not that interested. How much more time, energy and emotions do you want to waste on him instead of being with a guy who’s crazy about you?
As for being friends, maybe sometime in the distant future when you’re over him, but not now. For now, give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore all his attempts to communicate with you. Be prepared to see a grown “man” freak out!
Comment from Alison
Time April 27, 2009 at 4:38 am
Hi I just recently found this site and it is great to have a male’s perspective on things …
Unfortunately I have been involved with two resurfacing men, both of whom I worked with, and I have to say it was one of the worst experiences in my life.
The first one said all the right things, gave me plenty of attention, invited me to parties … little did I know that he was doing this to several women at the same time. This killed my self-esteem because I believed I wasn’t enough for him. He told me “I am a bad person and you deserve better”. I still continued to chase him though – I know, I ignored my inner voice. He would text me whenever he was lonely but would decline any of my offers to meet up, so after a while I gave up … didn’t stop him contacting me though. I still however like him a lot.
Whilst still being invested in this clown, I met my next one. Now this was a mo’fo and a half, split with his fiance. He reeled me in with all the right words, “you are the perfect girl for me … you are amazing … I think I am falling in love with you …. blah, blah, blah!” And it was only the first month. I was still not quite there yet with the feelings, but once I did start ‘falling’ for him he disappeares. I was so confused so I asked him, that is when he announces that he and his fiance are back together … Thanks for telling me, but little did I know that he never broke up with her in the first place – argh! But of course this wasn’t enough for me to leave – noooo – I was already invested in him so I took his crumbs that he was offering – “let’s be friends”. But did he keep his word? Of course not. He disappeared … again.
Weeks went by, and he came back, telling me how much he missed me. He denied ever avoiding me, and he tells me I really want to speak to you. So I cave. AGAIN. Guess what happens next?? ‘bye bye’.
At this point in time I change my mobile number, to ensure that he will never contact me again. I am free for a month, and when I began to built my self-esteem up again, I get this text message, signed from him. ‘How did he get my number?!’ Dur, from the company staff data-base, the sneeky snake. Remember, he has a fiance …
So I cave again, when he apologised and invited me for lunch … baaaaaad idea. I fell for him again, and he disappeared. At this point in time, I am saying stop. Enough tears had been spilt over this assclown and I am getting mentally tired, so I hand in my notice. And once he sees my name on the leaver’s board, the texts, the calls, the ‘right’ words come flooding back.
I have regrettably answered his texts a few times, but evertime he asks to meet up I decline. It has been 4 months since I last replied to his call, and within this time he has STILL contacted me, but I have not answered, not replied, and I am finally building the self esteem that both of these hot and cold guys have killed.
Moral of this? Never trust a man resurfacing man, because you never know what his true intentions are – is it for an ego stroke? For a rumble in the sack? Both? What ever it is, he is sure to pull you back in, until you say stop.
Of course the men are not entirely to blame. I could have not forgiven him for the hundredth time, I could have left when I heard that he lied to me when I found out he never broke up with his fiance, I could have not replied to any texts or calls – especially since I changed my number … but I didn’t. I was so low about myself at the time that I didn’t recognise my self-worth and just kept going back. It’s like I kept putting my hand in the fire and wondered why it hurt … this mo’fo can carry on contacting me as much as he likes but I have no room in my life now for people like that.
Comment from Selena
Time September 16, 2008 at 11:52 am
Oh, I think Jeff nailed this one. (As he does so well!) The guy doesn’t really want a full fledged r’ship with you… BUT, he does think about you from time to time and gets the urge to contact you when he’s feeling a bit lonely, maybe feeling a little at loose ends.
I’ve had an ex who was a bit of a resurfacing man, and *I* also have been a resurfacing woman myself in my past. Have to say, nothing positive ever really came from doing this. There is either enough there to sustain a relationship or there isn’t and resurfacing into someone’s life every several months is a strong indicator that there isn’t enough. If there was…you would make every effort to be with that person and talk, try to change whatever it was that led to the previous partings. Lot of effort. More than you probably want to make when you’re less lonely and your head is clearer.
You can have a talk with this fellow about his vascillation when it comes to being in your life. Why not? But you will continue to have a hard time letting him go if he keeps popping back in your life leading you to believe there is a possibility of a future ahead. It’s unfair for him to do that and you need to call him on it.
To get down to the nitty gritty: he just doesn’t care as much as you do. He’s shown it time and time again. If you think you will get any closure, confront him. But you really might be better off blocking him from your life from here on out. Resurfacing can impede the necessity of moving on.
Your call. I know it isn’t easy. BTDT more than once.
Selena