Unfortunately I have been involved with two resurfacing men, both of whom I worked with, and I have to say it was one of the worst experiences in my life.

The first one said all the right things, gave me plenty of attention, invited me to parties … little did I know that he was doing this to several women at the same time. This killed my self-esteem because I believed I wasn’t enough for him. He told me “I am a bad person and you deserve better”. I still continued to chase him though – I know, I ignored my inner voice. He would text me whenever he was lonely but would decline any of my offers to meet up, so after a while I gave up … didn’t stop him contacting me though. I still however like him a lot.

Whilst still being invested in this clown, I met my next one. Now this was a mo’fo and a half, split with his fiance. He reeled me in with all the right words, “you are the perfect girl for me … you are amazing … I think I am falling in love with you …. blah, blah, blah!” And it was only the first month. I was still not quite there yet with the feelings, but once I did start ‘falling’ for him he disappeares. I was so confused so I asked him, that is when he announces that he and his fiance are back together … Thanks for telling me, but little did I know that he never broke up with her in the first place – argh! But of course this wasn’t enough for me to leave – noooo – I was already invested in him so I took his crumbs that he was offering – “let’s be friends”. But did he keep his word? Of course not. He disappeared … again.

Weeks went by, and he came back, telling me how much he missed me. He denied ever avoiding me, and he tells me I really want to speak to you. So I cave. AGAIN. Guess what happens next?? ‘bye bye’.

At this point in time I change my mobile number, to ensure that he will never contact me again. I am free for a month, and when I began to built my self-esteem up again, I get this text message, signed from him. ‘How did he get my number?!’ Dur, from the company staff data-base, the sneeky snake. Remember, he has a fiance …

So I cave again, when he apologised and invited me for lunch … baaaaaad idea. I fell for him again, and he disappeared. At this point in time, I am saying stop. Enough tears had been spilt over this assclown and I am getting mentally tired, so I hand in my notice. And once he sees my name on the leaver’s board, the texts, the calls, the ‘right’ words come flooding back.

I have regrettably answered his texts a few times, but evertime he asks to meet up I decline. It has been 4 months since I last replied to his call, and within this time he has STILL contacted me, but I have not answered, not replied, and I am finally building the self esteem that both of these hot and cold guys have killed.

Moral of this? Never trust a man resurfacing man, because you never know what his true intentions are – is it for an ego stroke? For a rumble in the sack? Both? What ever it is, he is sure to pull you back in, until you say stop.

Of course the men are not entirely to blame. I could have not forgiven him for the hundredth time, I could have left when I heard that he lied to me when I found out he never broke up with his fiance, I could have not replied to any texts or calls – especially since I changed my number … but I didn’t. I was so low about myself at the time that I didn’t recognise my self-worth and just kept going back. It’s like I kept putting my hand in the fire and wondered why it hurt … this mo’fo can carry on contacting me as much as he likes but I have no room in my life now for people like that.

As for being friends, maybe sometime in the distant future when you’re over him, but not now. For now, give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore all his attempts to communicate with you. Be prepared to see a grown “man” freak out!

I agree with Heather’s prescription. Only thing to beware of is if you decide not to give him any attention the next time he pops up (which is my prescription), he will most likely pursue you heavily, calling just like you wish he would and laying it on thick, probably saying all the things you wish he would – possibly all in an attempt to reassure himself that he still has you right where he wants you (emotionally avail to him -and I hate to use that term bc it is so overused however it makes my point so please forgive me:) ). I don’t think he’s a monster out to hurt you and might not even be aware of how his actions hurt you- he’s probably only aware that he is lonely and that he can call you for the boost he needs. This is not a ‘blame him’, but an ‘empower you’ response. If he does lay it on thick like I think he might, you will be tempted to give in. I am not saying you should or you shouldn’t – what do I know?? All I know is that if you do give in and he disappears again, you really should cut him off. I don’t know you, but I’d be willing to bet you deserve better. Besides, we women are sometimes to conditioned to being in turmoil over a man’s feelings and intentions that we don’t realize it’s not normal or healthy for us and our self-esteem to give these kinds of guys too much mental/emotional energy. There is a better way (and with a guy who we feel love towards, not just the guy we don’t want wanting us, lol). Best of luck !!

It might not be that easy for some, but I just say, delete the emails, get caller ID and do not answer, do not even be polite. Be non-existent. Act like you dropped off the earth. He would if he found something he liked and would sustain his needs.

Good luck. And just say, “no.”

Initially after the first year we broke up, he called and left messages that I never returned. Then, by the 2nd year, he was up to calling me every 2 months..on holidays, my birthday..his birthday..etc..etc..

One time he called me and left 10 messages in a row, (psycho)… I still didn’t return his call.

By the 3rd year, I couldn’t take it anymore. The year before, i heard that he had a baby during one of his crazy calling moments. So i answered just for the sake of putting him on the spot about his behavior. I asked him why he was calling..he said he felt we should have some kind of contact because we spent so many years together (5 totaling in between break ups).

Finally, i simply put it that he was green and I was purple..those two colors don’t go well together so we couldn’t possibly work in any type of relationship.. trying to be nice but letting him see that we have nothing in common that would make a friendship work..when that didn’t work, I let him have it about the fact that he should be focusing on his new baby… He was shocked that I was aware…revealing that he was never going to tell me…since he first said it’s not true then finally decided to defend himself instead.. after which he left me alone..

Well only for a few months anyways.. Now he’s texting me…the last text received was just before the summer.. I never say anything polite to him. If his M.O. is that he’s depressed, then he won’t want to contact me because I won’t make him feel better because I’ve been very impolite. Basically reminding him of why were not friends and the fact that his presence reminds me of a life I want to forget.. That makes him feel worse about himself and then he backs off. Why is it that he won’t just except my initial kindness about us not being in communication. I hate that I have to be mean to make him leave me alone. If he’s bored or between girlfriends…again…it won’t work.. This is the longest that I haven’t heard from him. The next time, i think i’m going to have to lie and say I’m engaged… i just simply refuse to change my cell number..

My prescription. Meet other people. Experience what it is like to be someone’s priority. You may not ever completely forget about him, if you love him as you say, but at least you’ll know how it’s supposed to feel when someone cares for you. Good luck Dizzy.

I too have experienced something very similar. Nothing good came from it, and I ended up just waisting way too much time on something that wasn’t worth pursuing.

In the end, I would ask yourself these questions: Even if you two were to get back together, would you really every fully trust that he wouldn’t lose interest again sometime down the road? Are you willing to take that risk and invest even more time into something that has very poor odds (given his history) Are you willing to settle for something that you’re obviously not happy with? Is he really that fabulous that you need to hang onto him? Don’t forget that every time he dismisses you, it’s a small rejection, which in some way must be affecting your self confidence. Is he really worth all of this?

I’ve had an ex who was a bit of a resurfacing man, and *I* also have been a resurfacing woman myself in my past. Have to say, nothing positive ever really came from doing this. There is either enough there to sustain a relationship or there isn’t and resurfacing into someone’s life every several months is a strong indicator that there isn’t enough. If there was…you would make every effort to be with that person and talk, try to change whatever it was that led to the previous partings. Lot of effort. More than you probably want to make when you’re less lonely and your head is clearer.

You can have a talk with this fellow about his vascillation when it comes to being in your life. Why not? But you will continue to have a hard time letting him go if he keeps popping back in your life leading you to believe there is a possibility of a future ahead. It’s unfair for him to do that and you need to call him on it.

To get down to the nitty gritty: he just doesn’t care as much as you do. He’s shown it time and time again. If you think you will get any closure, confront him. But you really might be better off blocking him from your life from here on out. Resurfacing can impede the necessity of moving on.

Your call. I know it isn’t easy. BTDT more than once.

Selena