Is His Gushing Just Too Over The Top?
They’ve never even met in person, and he’s already sending her romantic songs and videos that say “I love you”!? What is she supposed to believe? Can this be for real, or is this just some “player” move to get into her virtual pants? Dawn just wishes she knew how he feels. I just wish I had virtual pants. Let’s see if we can solve both our issues! Well…at least hers.
I met guy through a dating website who lives on the other side of the country. While we have never officially met, we correspond through instant messaging, e-mail and a few phone calls.
Always a tough way to get to know someone. Either you don’t know anything, or you THINK you know all kinds of things because in the absence of actual, you know, “information” your brain fills in the blanks. Usually with stuff that doesn’t go there.
In the beginning, his behavior was completely over-the-top with gushy romantic e-cards. Then he started sending the songs. Romantic song/videos from YouTube.
Holy cow, hold on. I’m still back on the romantic e-cards. Maybe I’m just old fashioned (or possibly just “old”) but…how gushy can an e-card get? You kids, get off my lawn!
But seriously, it sounds like he’s going at this thing pretty whole hog, which (again, with the communication limitations of the aforementioned interwebs-only meetings) can often mean that he’s doing a little “projection.” Hell, people do that in PERSON. When all you have is long distance, it certainly sounds an awful lot like The Romantic to me. Ladies?
They’ve all been very beautiful, but considering the fact that we have never officially met, I think sending songs that say “I love you” is going a little fast.
Yes, and I also find that water is a bit damp, don’t you?
If only that were the case. We don’t have constant contact, in fact sometimes days will go by without a word from him. Therefore; I don’t know if the words in the songs are his feelings.
So from this, I’m now operating under the conclusion that he’s sending OTHER people’s songs atcha, yes? So…if that’s the case, I’d say that you are very correct — you really don’t know.
When I’ve asked him, he tends to avoid the question.
I’m not surprised. If a guy sends you someone else’s words to do the talking for him, my guess is that he wasn’t counting on having to use his own words at all. (He’d be screwed on that Nanny show, man.)
I am afraid that he is a “player” and that I’m just another gullible sucker that he’s lured in. I would never ever send a man who I was not seriously involved with a song that said, “I love you.” How can he be so bold on one level, and a total coward on another? Or, is that the way “players” operate?
Mmm, I don’t know that he’s a player, necessarily. I mean, of course it’s possible. But sending you a song, no matter what it says, doesn’t necessarily qualify him as “bold” any more than his inability to articulate what’s going on to a woman who, let’s face it, he hasn’t really even MET automatically makes him a “coward.” Know what I’m saying?
I know how this probably sounds….that he is probably some old guy whose using someone else’s picture to get to my money, or something, but if that is the case, then he is awfully good at covering his identity.
(I’m not familiar with that particular scam. But then again, I’ve been working on keeping this Nigerian bank afloat, so I might just be out of touch with that sort of thing.)
I do believe he is who he is, I just wish I knew how he truly felt about me.
Dear Dawn,
You seem to have come across one of the toughest manslations zones — the long distance relationship. Obviously, one of the biggest dangers of communicating over our beloved Series of Tubes is miscommunication anyway. And when trying to read a man in particular, this becomes even more difficult. Why?
LONG DISTANCE? MEET THE MANSLATIONS GOLDEN RULE
See, here’s why you’re probably having a tough time knowing how this man feels about you. As I’ve said on this site time and time again, the way to understanding where a man is at is NOT in his words, but in his actions. But, see, over the internets, you pretty much only have words. In a way, it is ALL talk.
Even if you take his sending you these lovey songs as an “action,” you can’t possibly know to what end. Is he…
- …serious, and he really does love you?
- …a total Romantic, looking to get you all caught up in the romance because it gets him off?
- …bored and looking for some semi-real thrills, almost like he’s playing the Sims or something?
- …trying to scam you into something?
- …conducting a psychological study on the effects of YouTube songs on women who live really far away from him? (Hey, lots of science grants out there, people. Money for the taking, folks.)
VERDICT: THE SHADOW KNOWS…
…Or at least he might, but I sure don’t. And neither do you. And for all we know, neither does HE. I will say this — his inability to use his own words to explain why he’s going all gushy on you makes me feel a little wary. At the very least, it tells us that he’s not ok with you knowing exactly where he’s at, right? Sending these songs and gushy cards is one thing, but if he’s hiding behind them? Not great.
Honestly, the vibe I’m getting is that he wants to get caught up in something huge and dramatic. When you ask for details, it probably doesn’t fit in well with the “fantasy you” that he’s been weaving.
Good luck, Dawn. I’d say there’s no great way to determine sincerity over a long distance but time. And until you have some real ACTIONS to read, I’d at least consider not trusting him any further than you can download him.
What do you think ladies? How can Dawn read this thing?
Posted: September 17th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time September 17, 2008 at 10:03 am
You want to know how he really feels about you? But…you have yet to meet in person! How could he possibly feel about you other than you are a cool email pal he enjoys sending romantic gestures to.
This “relationship” exists in fantasy on both your parts. It could be he is just a lonely guy who is getting a need fullfilled by sending you cards and songs. That is certainly a SAFE way to indulge in a little romance without the risk of hurt and rejection.
You will never know how you really feel about each other until you spend a good deal of time together IN PERSON. Has he made any plans to meet you? If not, then you can wonder why. My guess would be that he prefers the fantasy relationship to a real one.
I’m with Kaye. I think instead of getting all caught up in this internet relationship, you are far better off putting some effort into meeting guys in your home town.
Comment from Liz C
Time September 17, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I agree with all the above. And if you’re going to do the dating website thing anyway, maybe limit your search radius to 25-50 miles.
You gotta see these guys IRL before you can even begin to know what’s going on. I have a couple of friends who had intense cyber-relationships but when they met face-to-face, it was like meeting someone completely different and it was completely awkward. Neither r’ship survived the transition to reality.
Comment from Robin
Time September 17, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I don’t mean to be the voice of gloom and doom, but your long distance beau sounds eerily like a dating site scammer.
Internet dating can seem fun and liberating, however, I’d take extra precautionary measures when getting involved with long distance relationships with people you’ve met online, particularly if the person doesn’t live in your area and you’ve never met.
There are plenty of online resources to help you identify an online dating scammer; just google online dating scams and a number of sites will pop up.
Below is a quick list of what to look out for; if your guy fits any of these descriptions then you’ll know he is taking you for a ride! If not, then he may just be moving a little fast, faster than what you may be used to or ready for (but that’s up to you to judge). In any case, here’s the list; just remember with internet dating, have fun but be careful!
? They immediately want to get off the website and onto Yahoo IM or MSN IM
? They claim to love you either immediately or within 24-48 hours
? They send unusually sweet poems, songs, etc. WAY early in the relationship
? They immediately start using pet names with you: hon/hun baby/babe sweety/sweetie
? They are not usually around on the weekends to IM
? They IM at unusual hours for your time zone
? They like to send you poems or love letters, most of which can be traced back to lovingyou.com. Sometimes they even forget to change the name in the poem or letter to match your name
? They send you flowers, teddy bears, and candy within the first few weeks of talking
? They do not like to answer personal questions about themselves and tend to ignore questions
? A majority of them claim to have lost a spouse/child/parent in a horrific traffic accident or airplane accident or any of the above are sick or in the hospital
? The details they give you on IM are often different that what was stated on their profiles, one of the more common ones they give different answers to is their birth date, height/weight, and age etc.
? They do not know common questions that every US citizen would know the answer to
Comment from mtngal
Time September 17, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Ha that’s funny – Yes he is a player and luring you in, and looking for a gullible one, and by the way, is his name Thom with an artsy website? Run, Run as fast as you can……. from this one.
Comment from Sian
Time September 17, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Simple way to find out…contact him once more..say that you would like to meet him soon in person, and that you have decided not to communicate any more with him until he flies out to visit you. Then sit tight. My guess is you will never hear from him again. Whatever you do, DONT offer to fly there.
Good luck
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 17, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Dears, especially Ms. Dawn:
Sun could linger on This guy.
Someone’s gotta be FleurGirl, sooo here’s mmoi, with true story of a RealLife similarly-situated 2some!
Honest2Goodness, there’s a radio program named&hosted by a *Delilah*. The week of Gustav storms, Delilah’s darlingest callers [speaker phone] were man and woman who’ve chatted 5months, NEVER met; He proposed; She accepted. Sounded like 40somethings, USA-born; first meet is their ring-day,21st October, in this year! He’s working on nuptial venue. JM: Sometimes, water is “damp” and gets veryWet.
Ms. Delilah & Her regulars–No seem shocked. Get tuned 4debriefing.
Wonders galore or Life imitates Fantasy, or….Soul Mates, anyone!.
Here, however, DearDawn deserves *face* time sooner than soon, given that Charmer is close-mouthed, . No harm giving an oldtomato if He’s 4Real 4Her. Meetup happens R BonVoyage, Dearie!
Per Ms. Delilah: Keep *romance* alive; Hardeasy Work on Sweet Chances!
Comment from Kaye
Time September 17, 2008 at 9:04 am
I’m a big fan of dating people I can actually meet and get together with. Hon, work on meeting men within driving distance and dump this guy. There’s so much that happens when you meet someone in person that we don’t get online. The energy you are putting into this guy is just keeping you from getting to know ones in your hometown. Good luck!