manslations

How do you read a man when his actions are all OVER the place? A reader who very reasonably has named herself “Confused!” has had a rough 4 months. She’s no longer sure what his intentions EVER were. Let’s see if we can piece it together. On, Watson! The game’s afoot!

Okay, so here it goes…I’ve been dating this guy for nearly 4 months. The first three months were great.  He seemed very interested in me. He would send me sweet emails and text messages all day. He’d plan little surprises or bring me little inexpensive gifts that he knew I would like. He wanted me to meet his family and friends. I responded in the same way. We got very close in those first three months and I felt that our connection was getting stronger and stronger. He is in the process of buying a house and would make hints about me moving in with him. I was getting ready to move into a new apartment and suggested that I sign a short term lease to which he agreed. He also made little remarks about us being together when we were old.

Well, my gosh, woman — what’s to be confused about? He’s…oh wait. There’s more.

Then out of no where he dumps me!

Awwwww, crap.

Everything was great one day and then the next time I see him, he’s telling me that he ” doesn’t have any emotions” and “this isn’t what he wanted”. This was the same week that I moved into my new apartment.

Ahhh. How…not coincidental. Right when you move into what was to be the last temporary stop before moving in with him…BOOM. And right at the 3 month “So, what are we doing here?” barrier as well. Double boom.

We were broken up for 3 days. I contacted him because I wanted more of an explanation. I was so confused and felt that after all that we had shared another reason was needed.

Well, I’m sure that conversation went smoothly…gulp.

I didn’t really get one but we got back together in the end.

Whoa. I actually didn’t see that second part coming.

Now, I’m somewhat regretting it.

Ok, now it makes a little more sense.

We agreed to take things slower.

Mm. Always an inspiring way to date, don’t you find? “Listen. Let’s date, but without TOO much interest in each other, ok? Perfect.”

I’m having a harder time with this because that is not how  the relationship was orginially established. But I can deal with that. What I’m having a hard time with is with him being hot and cold. He hardly wants to see me when I suggest we hang out but other times he acts like he can’t get enough of me. He makes a point to tell me how emotionally cold he is and how he doesn’t want to hear how I feel about him ( because I feel oh so comfortable telling him now anyway).

Heh — oh so comfortable. Yeah, I bet that’s a real clambake.

The last week or so our sex life has started to take a turn for the worse. I can tell he just isn’t that into it. He doesn’t even look at me when we are messing around. I asked him if he was sexually into me and he claims that he is.

Well…I mean, what else could anyone answer to that question? “Uh, nah. Not really.” Nope. There is only “Yes!” That’s another one-a them whatcha call “loaded questions.”

Before the break-up our sex was ok, then good and then on it’s way to greatness. When I see him he is very affectionate and wants to kiss. He claims that he is very stressed at the moment which is why he’s not feeling sexual.

Yeah, maybe, maybe not. Stress can do that, no question. But so can ambivalence about the relationship. Which might also explain the erratic behavior, right?

I am very confused. I am beginning to think the the first three months were a big hoax and that for him it was all about the chase.

Wow, after reading through this email, I’m amazed that I even care anymore! But some advice would be nice.
Thanks!

Dear Confused!,

Well, I don’t know if I’d call it a “hoax.” Not in the classic sense of the word. Unless…he wasn’t wearing a Bigfoot costume at the time, was he? No? Ok. Then I wouldn’t call it a hoax. (Probably for the best anyway. Those outfits are expensive, uncomfortable and in no way deductible. Er…I’ve heard.)

Honestly, it could very well be that he was only in it for the chase. OR, it could be that he really thought he was exactly as into you as he said he was at the beginning — only to learn as the relationship progressed that his feelings weren’t progressing with it.

EMOTIONAL TUG-O-WAR FOR ONE, PLEASE?

Something that happens for a lot of guys is…sigh…we just don’t all get the whole “feelings” thing. I don’t mean that we don’t have feelings. I mean that we don’t understand them. And when they behave in ways that go against our plans (which, ah, seems to happen, like, constantly) we sometimes think that we can override them, or make them do what we want them to do. It don’t fit? We’ll MAKE it fit!

In your case, it could be that he hit that “reality barrier” when you moved into your new place, and he flipped out. Even he wasn’t sure why, but suddenly he KNEW you two had to split up. Then, when you came to him for an explanation, well, even HE didn’t have a good explanation for the breakup. Ergo, well, let’s get back together!

Of course, we can NOT control our emotions. But we sometimes try. And that’s where you’re getting all the hot and cold. The pullback on the sex is what gives it away. Lots of times this is because a guy just knows he’s not really there, and he knows that during that most intimate of moments, you’re going to SEE that he’s not really there. So he avoids.

You know, Confused!, I think you’ve seen the light on this guy. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, and I know this explanation isn’t much consolation. At least it happened before you moved in.

How do you see the old “Hot & Cold” ladies? What’s this guy’s major malfunction?