Why Is This Married Man Still Interested?
They both know it’s wrong. They both know it’s going nowhere. They both know he’s married. (In all fairness, that’s an easy one to know.) So why are they both still flirting? Michelle feels like her current course is heading down interstate highway I.Q. 59 to Stupidsville, and wants some reassurance that she’s correct in that assessment. Is she right? Let’s get some details, shall we? Oh, pink text?
How does one ask complete strangers for advice? Well here goes, i suppose 
I’ve know this person for a very long time, maybe 10 yrs or more. Always the flirtation, he’s always been married, I’ve always kept it at a distance, but we are tightly business involved. More recently, flirting has intensified, on both parts, as its always been chemistry thing, and hard to subdue even publicly, even though we’ve both been somewhat faking a fun normalcy for years. He has a family obviously and is why I’ve always been it the back off mode.
My question in my mind is, after all this time why is he still interested & why cant I help but flirt back considering he has a wife and kids, and why is it becoming more intense as it can be only headed for a dead end, as neither of us are stupid enough to think otherwise.
No one needs to tell me its just plain wrong, that’s obvious. But people do stupid things and I feel its going to head there, maybe I just need reaffirmation as to why not, or why to, to settle once and for all the curiosity…
Dear Michelle,
Well, you seem to lay out the case for NOT doing anything with this pretty handily. I won’t go too far into that. (And besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that some of the manslatees might have a leettle beet of advice from having been on the other side of this sort of deal, if you can’t convince yourself!) But what I might be able to do is to tell you something about a guy who does this sort of thing. Come to think of it, I might be able to do a lot of things. But since my being able to juggle or make turkey chili probably won’t answer your question, I’ll just stick to the manslating, eh? Great!
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Irrelevance of said skills aside, I make some kick-ass turkey chili, ok? Never doubt that, people. Just never you do it. I won’t tolerate your insolence on this matter. Well…ok. A little insolence. But only a little.)
WHY IS HE STILL INTERESTED AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
Obviously, you haven’t really given enough information about this specific guy for me to make any major declarations about him. (Certainly nothing that John Hancock would want to sign in large script so that King George can see it without his spectacles, or whatever that story is.) All flirters are not cheaters. And all Greek cheaters are not Socrates. Or something like that. However I can tell you a little something about why such a very married man might flirt so hard for so long.
- HE’S LOOKING TO CHEAT: Yeah, I know what I just said, but it is possible. I mean, if he were just looking for a fling, it seems unlikely that he’d be pressing on after you, specifically, for all this time with no forward motion. But how do I know? Maybe he’s like this with every woman he knows.
- HE LIKES PLAYING WITH FIRE: Some guys like the fun of pushing themselves to the brink, in the same way that it’s fun to stand right next to the edge of a cliff. But, you know, less fun to jump OFF the edge of a cliff. (DISCLAIMER: I’ve never jumped off of an actual cliff, so I can’t say for certain it’s not fun. I’m just guessing. But I bet that last little bit at the end totally blows, is all I’m saying.)
- KEEPING A BACKUP: This one seems pretty likely to me. A lot of guys and women (and I’ve done this myself) when they’re in a less-than-ideal relationship, keep someone in the back of their mind as their fallback position. As in, “If it all goes to hell tomorrow, I wonder what it would be like with (sigh) …her…” cue daydream music and warped camera trick transition effect as he pictures some ideal version of life with you.
- HE IS TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE, YOU TWO ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER, AND ONE OR BOTH OF YOU IS WRITING A JANE AUSTEN NOVEL IN AN ATTIC UNDER THE EAVES: As you might have guessed by my description of this one, well, it’s pretty rare. I supposed it happens now and again. But it’s pretty damn rare.
VERDICT: HANG ONTO YOUR SENSES AND/OR SENSIBILITIES
I know it’s a total rush to flirt with this guy, Michelle, but these things rarely end very well. The basic advice I’d give here is the same advice that they always give someone who says they want to be an actor.
Quit. Now.
Why do they advise that? Because the alternative is awful. And you should only choose that path if you are truly ready to face and accept the awfulness of it. If, in fact, it’s not a choice at all.
The people who give such advice know how crappy it can be, and they know that if ANYTHING can deter folks from going down that road, if there is any way someone could be happy without going that way, they should spare themselves all the crap. And if, knowing fully what an absolute crapfest it’s going to be, you STILL need to do it? Well then, you need to do it. And you reap what one reaps when they make such decisions. Brrrr…seriously, get ready for a lot of reaping.
Good luck, Michelle. Sounds like you know the answer already, but just in case…
Oh ladies? Any thoughts for Michelle on the pros and cons of being the other woman?
Posted: September 22nd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Amy
Time September 22, 2008 at 10:30 am
As Sassy said, you deserve better than a man who, if he will flirt behind his wife’s back, he will flirt behind yours. Yes, he will. Really, he will.
You know who else deserves better? 99.9 % of the time, despite what he says, his WIFE deserves better. His children certainly deserve better. A dear friend of mine has just discovered her husband’s series of workplace affairs; the consequences on their entire family have been devastating. Do you want that on your conscience?
Respect yourself enough to walk away from this. The more time you spend dwelling on fantasies of this guy, the longer it will be until you find someone actually worth your time.
Comment from Amy
Time September 22, 2008 at 11:02 am
I was still chewing on this and had one other piece of advice to impart: when you are on the fence about something that you know is probably a bad choice, ask yourself this: “And then what?” Let’s say you let him know you’re open to taking this flirtation to the next level, and he takes you up on it. And then what? Does he leave his wife for you? Do you embark on a torrid affair that leaves you heartbroken? Do you spend one night together and then find yourselves unable to look each other in the eye afterward?
I love the “And then what?” It applies in so many situations …
Comment from Lisa
Time September 22, 2008 at 11:17 am
Emotional AFFAIR
Yup they happen, no sex involved, all flirt, he’s getting something from it w/out the actual physical touch, etc..
Your getting something from it!!
No matter how you slice it and cook it, its wrong to even have the EMOTIONAL AFFAIR!!
Look at it this way if he can’t give that(the flirting/emotions) to his wife and offers it to you, is that really what you want/need.
Relationships are hard enough between two people but when you add the third person (yourself) you are still hurting his wife (because he’s not all there for her) and hurting yourself (because your putting yourself in a position to do something so potentially damaging to you and everyone else).
If you can’t be business partners/friends w/out the flirting then just get out.
Why risk your morals and have that on your conscious mind forever.
If you can’t not work w/out seeing him put a firm wall there so no one gets hurt.
AFFAIRS SUCK!!
Comment from Sassy
Time September 22, 2008 at 11:22 am
Amy,
I love the thought of, “and then what?” Seems it could work with a lot of choices. I’ll use it for sure!
Comment from Selena
Time September 22, 2008 at 11:46 am
Why does he keep flirting with you after over 10 years? Because you allow it! And from your letter, encourage it and flirt back. Why have YOU been doing it for over 10 years? Have you really not been able to find a man of your own in all that time? Puzzling.
You know the only thing to come of this is hurting his wife, his kids, him and quite likely YOU. Why are you even contemplating it after all this time? If you can’t manage to keep the relationship to “business only”, you are better off getting away from his business.
Karma WILL bite you in the ass. Of this have no doubt.
Comment from T
Time September 22, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Yep, been on both sides of this one. I understand the rush and excitement and (sigh) if you must… then you must find out for yourself.
Its not fun. Well, yeah it has fun moments but they don’t balance out with all of the awfulness you’ll feel, no matter which side of it you’re on.
Are the fun moments worth it? And why don’t you set your sights on someone more available to you. I promise you that will be worth so much more.
Comment from Liz C
Time September 22, 2008 at 4:31 pm
I too have been on both sides of the fence. Don’t do it. The aftermath sucks. I can guarantee you he’s not worth it.
Why is he doing it? Because it’s fun. And he gets to go home to his wife and family at the end of the day, thinking he’s done nothing wrong.
What do you get out of it? Some fun at work, a lot of feelings you can’t do anything with. And you didn’t say whether you are dating or not but I’m guessing not.
You end up with nothing.
It will be hard and potentially uncomfortable to stop. But it’s still a hell of a lot easier than what will happen if you cross The Line.
Comment from Maria
Time September 22, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Hi Michelle,
I have never been in this situation, but as I read your email and Jeff’s response, it occurred to me that the reason this situation has a hold on you is because you may have created a fantasy in your mind that this man must love you since he has flirted with you for so long… I am guessing that with him it is a pattern of behavior rather than an uncontrollable love for you (sorry!). I wanted to point out that even if he did love you and he divorced his wife tomorrow, it would be years and years before you had a healthy, available man on your hands. That last part was from my own experience – of divorce and the aftermath with kids etc… I agree with the other commentee – try to look at why you continue to be interested in flirting with him. I have been reading this book called He’s scared, She’s scared – which talks about the two sides (and genders) involved in commitmentphobia. I have been reading about women who will flirt with married men much like this situation! Check it out – it may help you figure it out… and “take the wind out” of the flirtation you are involved in….
Best to you-
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 23, 2008 at 12:53 am
Well-Well, MyDears!
Here’s a little midnite revelry to scale back them fires & stonesl!
Really! Just HOW old are these kids– ready 4college, even; HOW married do they think the parents ARE? How old is our spouse? How old is connubial bliss?
Okay, on an autumn side: Mr. Flirt seems 2B enjoying the party. Ms. Michelle seems ill at ease, seems so ’cause She wants more. ‘He’ may want similar “more”, but not our issue.
DearMichelle, if U’re really up 4all the drama attached, make it plain2Him [i.e., call His bluff 2place OR displace Your fantasy!]. It’s a Blessingl that grownups are enabled 2choose their poisons which, here, might=acres of agony [then again: maybe, NOT]. The *buck* [the *issue*, not the Fella] is perched at Your window. Pick a horizon w/eyes wide, even wildly, open. Always All-ways, Be Graceful 4U!
Comment from Amber
Time September 23, 2008 at 3:42 am
Unfortunately, I have some experience in “The Other Woman” arena. Here’s my bit:
Unattainability makes him attractive. Toying with taboo desires makes it exciting. This is a game of extremes.
If you decide to go through with it, you’ll feel incredible passion and ecstasy as often as you feel overwhelming despair and emptiness. There’s no stability, security, loyalty or trust in this type of situation.
And however perfect this man may seem now, once you’ve emerged from the wreck (tame analogy for a whole slew of humiliating situations an affair can produce), your view of him is tainted. He betrayed people who trusted him and used you (unless, of course, you had no attachment to him in the first place. If this is the case, it’s an entirely different scenario).
Shakespeare said it well: “These violent delights have violent ends”
And if you want some advice for how to get over the man, I have some suggestions that may work. Let me know.
Comment from Tongue tied
Time November 4, 2008 at 3:23 am
During the last 15 years I have known a man who has worked his way up in district. The first time he asked me to meet him for a walk outside of work (10 years ago) I was upset and kept my distance from him (as much as possible when he’s your boss). After I noticed he had lunch with other coworkers and went on walks with them after work , I felt foolish for thinking he had other ideas. Along the way I agreed to have lunch with him and made sure someone else from work was always with us. Just this past year I started to have lunch with him maybe once a couple of months alone after the other person he invited couldn’t make it. He stopped making excuses why we were alone and I really felt we were friends. This last time he offered to go to lunch where his wife works. Seems he wanted her approval that we could continue to have lunch. Seemed like an odd comment, but I thought she might need some reassurance and I found it comforting that he would be considerate of her feelings. Well on the way to lunch he told me he had inappropriate thoughts about me. I fumbled around and said something really stupid like that was natural after all these years but I couldn’t go there. We had an awkward lunch (with his wife just feet away). When he dropped me off at work after lunch, he made a comment about how I probably couldn’t wait to escape from the car, so he sensed how I felt. The next day he calls me first thing in the morning at my office “just to say hi.” The day after that he comes by my room and closes the door saying he didn’t want to upset me or our friendship and not to worry about him. He made a comment about how scared I looked. I thanked him and felt better. However, the very next day he happens to come by when I’m trying to juggle a huge box of folders and offers to carry them to my car. (Somehow I can’t help but feel I’ve been set up.) I take him up on the offer, since it’s obvious I can’t do it all by myself, only to have him say at the car that he’s waiting for our next lunch date and he thinks about how he’s going to dress every time he knows we’ll be in the same building. It’s been two weeks of me turing down his lunch offers. I agreed to have lunch with him again, because I need to stop this. This is the first time I’ve ever been in this position. I need to choose my words carefully, but I’m not great with words. His position is such that he can wreck havoc on my life if he choses. We are both married, older (I’m 47 and he’s 59). Lunch is tomorrow and I can’t sleep. By the time anyone responds, it will be over. (I hope). However, if I don’t find the right words to get him to back off, is there a resource where I can find out how to say things gently in delicate matters?
Comment from Mar
Time May 18, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I believe your question is “Why would he do this?” Since we don’t know him, he is the only one that could answer that question for you, but asking that of him would put both of you in the hot seat. Instead, ask your self, “Why am I doing this?” We can only control our own actions. Do you ever see him flirting with other women? My first thought is that he is insecure for some reason and looking for attention or confirmation of his sexual attractiveness, especially if he never tries for physical contact. A part of his self esteem or ego is weak and lacking. Perhaps he’s a two incher or loosing his hair. You must know that he wouldn’t make a good partner for anyone or you wouldn’t be asking this question. Think of your ethics. We know you do care because you did ask. If he would risk this with a wife and kids, he’ll keep on flirting with anyone willing till he shrivels up and can’t wink anymore. So if you want to test him, become best friends with his wife. See what happens. If that doesn’t work, get in a new line of business that requires a more professional attitude and get a flirting partner all you own. It’s much more satisfying.
Comment from Sassy
Time September 22, 2008 at 9:21 am
I hate to start out of the gate as a tough comment, but I don’t understand that if you know it’s all not good why you continue. You are in charge of yourself and the choices you make. Step away, stop flirting, put up some boundaries. Talk business only. If it steers the other way, pull it back to business.
I was the wife of a mand who was a cheater at work and, let me tell you, it’s devastating for everyone involved, their families, their friends, etc.
What I would focus on is YOU. What are you not getting in your regular life that this man gives you? Attention to make you feel good? A relationship you know you’ll never have to commit to? Then figure out what you really want. I certainly hope that it’s NOT someone’s else’s husband. Frankly, you deserve your own sweetie, not to be someone’s fling. Good luck!