Comments on: Why Is This Married Man Still Interested?

By: Mar

Mar — Mon, 18 May 2009 17:29:59 +0000

I believe your question is “Why would he do this?” Since we don’t know him, he is the only one that could answer that question for you, but asking that of him would put both of you in the hot seat. Instead, ask your self, “Why am I doing this?” We can only control our own actions. Do you ever see him flirting with other women? My first thought is that he is insecure for some reason and looking for attention or confirmation of his sexual attractiveness, especially if he never tries for physical contact. A part of his self esteem or ego is weak and lacking. Perhaps he’s a two incher or loosing his hair. You must know that he wouldn’t make a good partner for anyone or you wouldn’t be asking this question. Think of your ethics. We know you do care because you did ask. If he would risk this with a wife and kids, he’ll keep on flirting with anyone willing till he shrivels up and can’t wink anymore. So if you want to test him, become best friends with his wife. See what happens. If that doesn’t work, get in a new line of business that requires a more professional attitude and get a flirting partner all you own. It’s much more satisfying.

By: Tongue tied

Tongue tied — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 08:23:01 +0000

During the last 15 years I have known a man who has worked his way up in district. The first time he asked me to meet him for a walk outside of work (10 years ago) I was upset and kept my distance from him (as much as possible when he’s your boss). After I noticed he had lunch with other coworkers and went on walks with them after work , I felt foolish for thinking he had other ideas. Along the way I agreed to have lunch with him and made sure someone else from work was always with us. Just this past year I started to have lunch with him maybe once a couple of months alone after the other person he invited couldn’t make it. He stopped making excuses why we were alone and I really felt we were friends. This last time he offered to go to lunch where his wife works. Seems he wanted her approval that we could continue to have lunch. Seemed like an odd comment, but I thought she might need some reassurance and I found it comforting that he would be considerate of her feelings. Well on the way to lunch he told me he had inappropriate thoughts about me. I fumbled around and said something really stupid like that was natural after all these years but I couldn’t go there. We had an awkward lunch (with his wife just feet away). When he dropped me off at work after lunch, he made a comment about how I probably couldn’t wait to escape from the car, so he sensed how I felt. The next day he calls me first thing in the morning at my office “just to say hi.” The day after that he comes by my room and closes the door saying he didn’t want to upset me or our friendship and not to worry about him. He made a comment about how scared I looked. I thanked him and felt better. However, the very next day he happens to come by when I’m trying to juggle a huge box of folders and offers to carry them to my car. (Somehow I can’t help but feel I’ve been set up.) I take him up on the offer, since it’s obvious I can’t do it all by myself, only to have him say at the car that he’s waiting for our next lunch date and he thinks about how he’s going to dress every time he knows we’ll be in the same building. It’s been two weeks of me turing down his lunch offers. I agreed to have lunch with him again, because I need to stop this. This is the first time I’ve ever been in this position. I need to choose my words carefully, but I’m not great with words. His position is such that he can wreck havoc on my life if he choses. We are both married, older (I’m 47 and he’s 59). Lunch is tomorrow and I can’t sleep. By the time anyone responds, it will be over. (I hope). However, if I don’t find the right words to get him to back off, is there a resource where I can find out how to say things gently in delicate matters?

By: Amber

Amber — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 07:42:49 +0000

Unfortunately, I have some experience in “The Other Woman” arena. Here’s my bit:
Unattainability makes him attractive. Toying with taboo desires makes it exciting. This is a game of extremes.

If you decide to go through with it, you’ll feel incredible passion and ecstasy as often as you feel overwhelming despair and emptiness. There’s no stability, security, loyalty or trust in this type of situation.

And however perfect this man may seem now, once you’ve emerged from the wreck (tame analogy for a whole slew of humiliating situations an affair can produce), your view of him is tainted. He betrayed people who trusted him and used you (unless, of course, you had no attachment to him in the first place. If this is the case, it’s an entirely different scenario).

Shakespeare said it well: “These violent delights have violent ends”

And if you want some advice for how to get over the man, I have some suggestions that may work. Let me know.

By: mmagnolia

mmagnolia — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 04:53:41 +0000

Well-Well, MyDears!
Here’s a little midnite revelry to scale back them fires & stonesl!

Really! Just HOW old are these kids– ready 4college, even; HOW married do they think the parents ARE? How old is our spouse? How old is connubial bliss?

Okay, on an autumn side: Mr. Flirt seems 2B enjoying the party. Ms. Michelle seems ill at ease, seems so ’cause She wants more. ‘He’ may want similar “more”, but not our issue.

DearMichelle, if U’re really up 4all the drama attached, make it plain2Him [i.e., call His bluff 2place OR displace Your fantasy!]. It’s a Blessingl that grownups are enabled 2choose their poisons which, here, might=acres of agony [then again: maybe, NOT]. The *buck* [the *issue*, not the Fella] is perched at Your window. Pick a horizon w/eyes wide, even wildly, open. Always All-ways, Be Graceful 4U!

By: Maria

Maria — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 21:43:41 +0000

Hi Michelle,
I have never been in this situation, but as I read your email and Jeff’s response, it occurred to me that the reason this situation has a hold on you is because you may have created a fantasy in your mind that this man must love you since he has flirted with you for so long… I am guessing that with him it is a pattern of behavior rather than an uncontrollable love for you (sorry!). I wanted to point out that even if he did love you and he divorced his wife tomorrow, it would be years and years before you had a healthy, available man on your hands. That last part was from my own experience – of divorce and the aftermath with kids etc… I agree with the other commentee – try to look at why you continue to be interested in flirting with him. I have been reading this book called He’s scared, She’s scared – which talks about the two sides (and genders) involved in commitmentphobia. I have been reading about women who will flirt with married men much like this situation! Check it out – it may help you figure it out… and “take the wind out” of the flirtation you are involved in….
Best to you-

By: Liz C

Liz C — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:31:17 +0000

I too have been on both sides of the fence. Don’t do it. The aftermath sucks. I can guarantee you he’s not worth it.

Why is he doing it? Because it’s fun. And he gets to go home to his wife and family at the end of the day, thinking he’s done nothing wrong.

What do you get out of it? Some fun at work, a lot of feelings you can’t do anything with. And you didn’t say whether you are dating or not but I’m guessing not.

You end up with nothing.

It will be hard and potentially uncomfortable to stop. But it’s still a hell of a lot easier than what will happen if you cross The Line.

By: T

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 19:56:51 +0000

Yep, been on both sides of this one. I understand the rush and excitement and (sigh) if you must… then you must find out for yourself.

Its not fun. Well, yeah it has fun moments but they don’t balance out with all of the awfulness you’ll feel, no matter which side of it you’re on.

Are the fun moments worth it? And why don’t you set your sights on someone more available to you. I promise you that will be worth so much more.

By: Selena

Selena — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:46:02 +0000

Why does he keep flirting with you after over 10 years? Because you allow it! And from your letter, encourage it and flirt back. Why have YOU been doing it for over 10 years? Have you really not been able to find a man of your own in all that time? Puzzling.

You know the only thing to come of this is hurting his wife, his kids, him and quite likely YOU. Why are you even contemplating it after all this time? If you can’t manage to keep the relationship to “business only”, you are better off getting away from his business.

Karma WILL bite you in the ass. Of this have no doubt.

By: Sassy

Sassy — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:22:12 +0000

Amy,
I love the thought of, “and then what?” Seems it could work with a lot of choices. I’ll use it for sure!

By: Lisa

Lisa — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:17:55 +0000

Emotional AFFAIR

Yup they happen, no sex involved, all flirt, he’s getting something from it w/out the actual physical touch, etc..

Your getting something from it!!

No matter how you slice it and cook it, its wrong to even have the EMOTIONAL AFFAIR!!

Look at it this way if he can’t give that(the flirting/emotions) to his wife and offers it to you, is that really what you want/need.

Relationships are hard enough between two people but when you add the third person (yourself) you are still hurting his wife (because he’s not all there for her) and hurting yourself (because your putting yourself in a position to do something so potentially damaging to you and everyone else).

If you can’t be business partners/friends w/out the flirting then just get out.

Why risk your morals and have that on your conscious mind forever.

If you can’t not work w/out seeing him put a firm wall there so no one gets hurt.

AFFAIRS SUCK!!