Is Chemistry Necessary? Should She Settle?
Repeat requester, Frida, has found herself a man (and this time he’s not the CEO of her company! Yay!) What’s the trouble? She’s not interested in him. And they ain’t havin’ no relations. And doesn’t look like she minds that. But the clock’s a-ticking, and she’s wondering if she should just go ahead and settle. Should she? My answer isn’t quite as “hell-to-the-no” as you might imagine…
Hi Jeff,
Remember me? The one with the married MD/CEO problems? Well, I have a new one and I like the way that you disentangle them. This has nothing to do with the MD as I have continued the policy of avoiding him. This time its another guy. I knew this guy last year and he was interested in me but he disappeared when I did not show interest fast enough. He then had a relationship with his secretary which he made a point of displaying to me and then doing a Houdini. Well, the relationship has gone phut and he is back around my heels. My problem is that although I like spending time with him as a friend I am not interested in him. There is no chemistry on my side. I go out with him once or twice a week and still nothing has developed except that I have a good time. I make sure I pay my own way and he has not made an effort to pay ever for me. Rather I have paid on occasion for him when he has used his car. So I am pretty cautious not to give the wrong message. No physical relations.
My question is whether chemistry is necessary for a LTR? My sister has said if I continue being so fussy I will end up all alone. I am 37 and its not easy to find the ‘One’. I am just getting tired of waiting as well. If I did not see him again I am not sure I would be too disturbed except that I am alone. But I like to spend time with him as he is easygoing. Should I settle? I am confused. When I compare him with the CEO then its clear where the chemistry lies. I know that guy is trouble but its a bit depressing not having that feeling. Appreciate your opinion.
Thanks.
Frida
Dear Frida,
Well, the interesting thing about this question is that there is no one answer to it. Not from me, anyway. It’s all about what you want. Chemistry is only necessary if you require it. There are, I’m sure, plenty of relationships in which there is no chemistry. And some of those relationships, I have no doubt, function perfectly.
Wha?
CHEMISTRY OPTIONAL
Yeah, I’m sure it’s true. I’m sure that there are plenty of folks in this world for whom chemistry is an unnecessary component of their relationships. Just to name a few:
- People for whom marriage is more of a business arrangement. (With Excel spreadsheets and binder clips and everything, I’m imagining.)
- People who want their primary relationship in life to be with the kids that they want to have, and who really cares about that person on the other edge of the bed?
- Crazy nutjobs who think that sex is Eville.
- Masochists. Or Sadists. Basically anybody who gets off on one or the other of you being in pain.
- People who think that divorce court is like going to Epcot Center. Fun!
Ok, I’m kind of kidding. But I’m kind of not. I mean, I have little doubt that there are plenty of relationships in which sex doesn’t play much of a role at all, if any. Hey, I was in one for a while there, myself.
Now, for ME? No. It didn’t work for me very well. For me, it was sad and lonely, and all I wanted to do was feel differently. But then again, none of those reasons above apply to me. Maybe they do to you.
But you know what? I’m guessing not. If you feel depressed about a lack of chemistry NOW, I wouldn’t go assuming that you’re going to “grow to love it” any more than you would learn to enjoy, say, treading water while holding an anvil. It’s likely only going to get more annoying as you go along. That’s been my experience, anyway. (With relationships. I have no substantive experience with anvils, much to my shame.)
VERDICT: DO YOU NEED CHEMISTRY? YEP.
I don’t think there’s any way around it. Unless there’s some majorly compelling reason why you must settle NOW, well, what’s your sister’s advice? You should marry this guy because being with someone you don’t want is better than leaving yourself open to finding that someone? Obviously there are some lonely moments when you can talk yourself into that sort of logic. But those aren’t great moments in which to make life decisions, you know?
Anybody care to make the case for settling? Hello? Anyone?
Posted: September 23rd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from skye
Time September 23, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I agree w/ you, Jeff.
I think there are 4 possible components to a relationship of any type: spiritual, mental/intellectual, physical and emotional (includes cuddly behavior). In my experience, a partnership needs three of these points of connection. This means physical desire may not be a factor, yet the relationship may be sound. I’ve experienced it myself and I’ve seen it work on the long-term.
What makes me uneasy about the OP’s letter is the sense that she thinks she would be “settling.” I’ve never seen a relationship work when one or more of the partners thinks that…
Comment from Christina
Time September 23, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Selena, don’t do it! Don’t settle! You can be your *own* “the One” for as long as it takes you to find a guy with whom you have chemistry. Society doesn’t make things easy for singles, but that’s no reason to conform to the world’s wierd coupling obsession at the expense of your own happiness. Good luck!
Comment from Christina
Time September 23, 2008 at 7:15 pm
My previous message to Selena was NOT for Selena, it was for FRIDA. Long day, the eyes. . . you know how it is. Thanks = )
Comment from Selena
Time September 23, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Glad you caught that Christina lol!
*Settling* is surely not for me. Personally, I’m fine with being single and wouldn’t consider being otherwise if the chemistry wasn’t there. Why bother?
I feel as you do.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 23, 2008 at 11:00 pm
DearFrida,
Yes, NO settling! There are other options so that baby makes2.
“skye’s* gem on those “4 possible components” is an excellent measure, BUT! “physical desire” is equally important in a RealRomantic r’ship. Imagine! someone being indifferent or repulsed by sexual/non-sexual touch, some simply singular commotion of *touch*; sure shivers moi! Touch affirms the other 3!
Sure, relationship w/o That is possible, but then, the *ship* is of Friends, not of Lovers! That’s my story & sticking 2IT.
Sooo that’s why we can all pray that U, DearFrida, find Your melodious quartet!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 23, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Postscript 2Ms.Frida…
…That business of affairing with his secretary was kinda off-key. His judgment seems off-key [not! because of scooping bread & meat simultaneously--afterall people meet people at work!].
Problem is the hint of Him being so easy-breezy, not exactly a trueBlue guy-type YOU seem to want & need!
On the off chance, U2 getGood going, chat w/tThat Ex, make sure He’s squared.
Comment from Rita
Time September 24, 2008 at 7:00 am
Hey there,
Dont know how I got onto this blog but I love it. I am an expert in chemisty-free relationships because I have been in a few of them purely because I didn’t want to feel lonely and there was no one else around who was giving me that ‘spark’ and you know what? After a while I felt way more lonely in this sort of relationship than I ever felt when I was actually alone.
I felt lonely and trapped and really miserable and I wasted so much time when I should have been single and open to meeting someone who did ‘do it for me’.
37 is still young. You have time. Don’t waste it being with someone who will end up making you feel miserable and like someone else wrote, it isn’t fair to him.
Good luck!
Comment from Theatregal
Time September 26, 2008 at 8:17 am
I was just going to say what Rita said…..That 37 is still young. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, but settling for being “friends” forever usually won’t last. You…at least I need it all. I was married 20 years before I realized that. Friendship, intimacy, love, passion, chemistry….I could go on. It’s ALL important. For some people, I suppose the chemistry, love, and passion don’t seem that important. I watched my Granny and my Mom be single until they died after divorces and they were relatively young. I’m 50, divorced for 7 and a half years and still alone. My ex has never been alone, but he’s miserable. You have to figure out what is important to you and KNOW you can have it. I’m 50 now. I’ve finally realized my biggest obstacle to what I want and what I want to model for my sons is me and what I allow myself. One thing I am proud of is that I raised 2 women loving men. They tease me all of the time, that I’ve ruined them because they are one woman men. I think in the long run they’ll be happier. Figure out what will make YOU happy and then don’t settle. KNOW you can have what you want. Then everyone involved gets to be happy. I haven’t found him yet. In past posts, you’ll read I sorta found “him” a few times. Luckily I saw my pattern before I was in too far…..sorta. I do still grieve what could have been. Life is about learning. I’m a slow learner, 
A psychic said it’s that I need to reembrace the artist I used to be. I
have all of the time in the world to find me again, now that I’m completely alone. It’s been a year since I played “Domina” in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. It’s time to find me again and then I know someone will be attracted into my life…..maybe even tomorrow.
Comment from Jonny
Time January 12, 2010 at 6:55 pm
Damage.
I think this is a neglected factor in the mix here. I’m speaking for the people with destructive patterns. For some people who grew-up with emotional / relational trauma from their primary relationships (mom / dad or otherwise), it affects how chemistry plays-out. It’s essentially why abused women continue to fall for abusive men etc. etc. Everytime one allows oneself to fall for these types, two problems occur that have a compound effect: Firstly, it perpetuates the same mental pattern making it stronger and harder to break and additionally one’s capacity to fall-in love with someone healthy becomes weaker and weaker because that requires a contrary state of mind. The second point is obvious: it distracts one from personal growth conducive to becoming a more attractive human being with options. Choosing to indulge one’s destructive patterns is essentially a recipe for permanent involuntary celibacy.
I believe it is very possible to damage oneself beyond repair depending on how many unhealthy relationships one has chosen to engage. It takes time to unlearn destructive patterns and the stronger the patterns the more time and experience is required. The unfortunate part is when the time required exceeds one’s life expectancy. Essentially making it impossible to experience that ever-so elusive spark with someone healthy and good-natured.
So for these people I’m sorry but its grim news, you’re not likely going to get what you want. Unless you were smart and started untying those neurological knots early enough.
Comment from Theatergal
Time January 13, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Jonny,
You are correct that many people have chemistry because of trauma, childhood abuse….the list goes on. Hopefully, we work through these things with a really good therapist and are, at least observant of our tendencies and patterns where relationships are concerned. If you ever read Kathy Freston or Kathryn Alice, they say that chemistry draws those people into your life who help you grow. Kathy Freston says in “The One”, “A soulmate reflects back to us that which is unhealed while testifying to what is already perfect.”
Comment from Selena
Time September 23, 2008 at 7:56 am
I can be in a relationship without chemistry. I have a name for it too: Friendship.
A…ahem.. romantic relationship without chemistry? No way. Why on earth bother with all the give and take involved in a RR if you don’t have hefty feelings for the other person?
If you think settling for a passionless relationship is better than not having a partner, you might consider some very real problems likely to pop up down that road:
1. You come to resent him for not being “the one”. And treat him accordingly.
2. At some point you find yourself drawn to someone else you *have* chemistry with and convince yourself it’s okay to have an affair to get what you are missing at home. Have fun in divorce court.
3. You are being terribly selfish. You are keeping the nice guy from finding “the one” for him – a woman who is crazy about him. You leave him stuck with you, unfulfilled and trapped. He goes through life wondering what happened, why his life worked out this way.
Your efforts would be better spent learning how to fulfill yourself rather than latching onto to someone in the hopes they might do that for you. If you want children, there are options you can explore to achieve that without “settling” and making your own and someone else’s life miserable.