Comments on: Is Chemistry Necessary? Should She Settle?

By: Theatergal

Theatergal — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:18:36 +0000

Jonny,
You are correct that many people have chemistry because of trauma, childhood abuse….the list goes on. Hopefully, we work through these things with a really good therapist and are, at least observant of our tendencies and patterns where relationships are concerned. If you ever read Kathy Freston or Kathryn Alice, they say that chemistry draws those people into your life who help you grow. Kathy Freston says in “The One”, “A soulmate reflects back to us that which is unhealed while testifying to what is already perfect.”

By: Jonny

Jonny — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 01:55:02 +0000

Damage.

I think this is a neglected factor in the mix here. I’m speaking for the people with destructive patterns. For some people who grew-up with emotional / relational trauma from their primary relationships (mom / dad or otherwise), it affects how chemistry plays-out. It’s essentially why abused women continue to fall for abusive men etc. etc. Everytime one allows oneself to fall for these types, two problems occur that have a compound effect: Firstly, it perpetuates the same mental pattern making it stronger and harder to break and additionally one’s capacity to fall-in love with someone healthy becomes weaker and weaker because that requires a contrary state of mind. The second point is obvious: it distracts one from personal growth conducive to becoming a more attractive human being with options. Choosing to indulge one’s destructive patterns is essentially a recipe for permanent involuntary celibacy.

I believe it is very possible to damage oneself beyond repair depending on how many unhealthy relationships one has chosen to engage. It takes time to unlearn destructive patterns and the stronger the patterns the more time and experience is required. The unfortunate part is when the time required exceeds one’s life expectancy. Essentially making it impossible to experience that ever-so elusive spark with someone healthy and good-natured.

So for these people I’m sorry but its grim news, you’re not likely going to get what you want. Unless you were smart and started untying those neurological knots early enough.

By: Theatregal

Theatregal — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:17:05 +0000

I was just going to say what Rita said…..That 37 is still young. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, but settling for being “friends” forever usually won’t last. You…at least I need it all. I was married 20 years before I realized that. Friendship, intimacy, love, passion, chemistry….I could go on. It’s ALL important. For some people, I suppose the chemistry, love, and passion don’t seem that important. I watched my Granny and my Mom be single until they died after divorces and they were relatively young. I’m 50, divorced for 7 and a half years and still alone. My ex has never been alone, but he’s miserable. You have to figure out what is important to you and KNOW you can have it. I’m 50 now. I’ve finally realized my biggest obstacle to what I want and what I want to model for my sons is me and what I allow myself. One thing I am proud of is that I raised 2 women loving men. They tease me all of the time, that I’ve ruined them because they are one woman men. I think in the long run they’ll be happier. Figure out what will make YOU happy and then don’t settle. KNOW you can have what you want. Then everyone involved gets to be happy. I haven’t found him yet. In past posts, you’ll read I sorta found “him” a few times. Luckily I saw my pattern before I was in too far…..sorta. I do still grieve what could have been. Life is about learning. I’m a slow learner, A psychic said it’s that I need to reembrace the artist I used to be. I
have all of the time in the world to find me again, now that I’m completely alone. It’s been a year since I played “Domina” in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. It’s time to find me again and then I know someone will be attracted into my life…..maybe even tomorrow.

By: Rita

Rita — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 11:00:39 +0000

Hey there,
Dont know how I got onto this blog but I love it. I am an expert in chemisty-free relationships because I have been in a few of them purely because I didn’t want to feel lonely and there was no one else around who was giving me that ‘spark’ and you know what? After a while I felt way more lonely in this sort of relationship than I ever felt when I was actually alone.

I felt lonely and trapped and really miserable and I wasted so much time when I should have been single and open to meeting someone who did ‘do it for me’.

37 is still young. You have time. Don’t waste it being with someone who will end up making you feel miserable and like someone else wrote, it isn’t fair to him.
Good luck!

By: mmagnolia

mmagnolia — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:13:50 +0000

Postscript 2Ms.Frida…
…That business of affairing with his secretary was kinda off-key. His judgment seems off-key [not! because of scooping bread & meat simultaneously--afterall people meet people at work!].
Problem is the hint of Him being so easy-breezy, not exactly a trueBlue guy-type YOU seem to want & need!
On the off chance, U2 getGood going, chat w/tThat Ex, make sure He’s squared.

By: mmagnolia

mmagnolia — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:00:30 +0000

DearFrida,
Yes, NO settling! There are other options so that baby makes2.

“skye’s* gem on those “4 possible components” is an excellent measure, BUT! “physical desire” is equally important in a RealRomantic r’ship. Imagine! someone being indifferent or repulsed by sexual/non-sexual touch, some simply singular commotion of *touch*; sure shivers moi! Touch affirms the other 3!

Sure, relationship w/o That is possible, but then, the *ship* is of Friends, not of Lovers! That’s my story & sticking 2IT.

Sooo that’s why we can all pray that U, DearFrida, find Your melodious quartet!

By: Selena

Selena — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 23:51:31 +0000

Glad you caught that Christina lol!
*Settling* is surely not for me. Personally, I’m fine with being single and wouldn’t consider being otherwise if the chemistry wasn’t there. Why bother?

I feel as you do.

By: Christina

Christina — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 23:15:44 +0000

My previous message to Selena was NOT for Selena, it was for FRIDA. Long day, the eyes. . . you know how it is. Thanks = )

By: Christina

Christina — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 23:14:23 +0000

Selena, don’t do it! Don’t settle! You can be your *own* “the One” for as long as it takes you to find a guy with whom you have chemistry. Society doesn’t make things easy for singles, but that’s no reason to conform to the world’s wierd coupling obsession at the expense of your own happiness. Good luck!

By: skye

skye — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:38:57 +0000

I agree w/ you, Jeff.

I think there are 4 possible components to a relationship of any type: spiritual, mental/intellectual, physical and emotional (includes cuddly behavior). In my experience, a partnership needs three of these points of connection. This means physical desire may not be a factor, yet the relationship may be sound. I’ve experienced it myself and I’ve seen it work on the long-term.

What makes me uneasy about the OP’s letter is the sense that she thinks she would be “settling.” I’ve never seen a relationship work when one or more of the partners thinks that…