Why Are Men Such Bad Kissers?
Lea’s question is about men and kissing and…well, my god, it’s so short I don’t know how to summarize it any shorter. Here it is:
Why do most men enjoy the tongue down your throat kind of kiss more than the gentle lip kissing that most women enjoy more?
Dear Lea,
Well, your clairvoyant knowledge of what “most” men and women like notwithstanding, I actually can answer this one. Ready? Here it is, and it’s even shorter than your question:
ANSWER: Because they don’t know any better.
Now, am I saying that “most” men fall into this category? Well…now that I think of it, how the hell should I know? I’ve never made out with even one of them, so maybe you’re right. But whether it’s most, all, or none of them, I can tell you this. Any man whose kisses are of the DearGodWhatInTheHolyHellAreYouDoingToMyFace!? variety is only doing so because:
- He thinks that you like that, and
- He evidently doesn’t know or care that he’s, you know, very incorrect.
Most guys want to be bad asses in every area they can possibly manage. Kissing, baseball, marmot-racing, whatever it is. (For some of us, the list seems to grow shorter all the time.) If he’s involved in something, he wants to be a bad ass at it. And if he’s kissing you like…that, well, it’s likely because he thinks is ROCKING YOUR WORLD. That’s all he wants.
WHERE DID HE LEARN THIS…TECHNIQUE?
Who knows where he got the idea. Certainly, he might have seen it in a movie. Perhaps of the “adult” variety? On Cinemax After Dark? Where the world is being taken over by alien princesses who need to have implausible sex to save their dying planet? Who knows?
The point is, he is only doing what he’s doing to be a totally awesome lover, misguided as that may seem.
Also, well, some young dudes might be going for the love-tracheotomy because, well, it’s as intense a thing as they can manage. They’re into it, they want to be MORE into it, and they figure, “Let’s crank this thing up to eleven and see how she flies, shall we?” Dopey logic, but there it is.
BY THE WAY, IT AIN’T JUST MEN
Dudes don’t have the market cornered on strange kissing, Lea. (Yes, there’s a strange kissing market. It’s got a checkout lane and produce. All kinds of stuff.) I’ve certainly been with a couple of women where my mind wandered into the territory of, “So…um…ok…you’re interested in dentistry, are you? Or…no, you’re an archaeologist and my face looks like the Incas might have hidden something behind it? I’m only asking because–ok, I can’t breathe! I can not breathe.” And then, I died.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Some of that story may not have passed the 100% truth test.)
MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION: TRAINABILITY
Whether or not your average man begins your kiss festival (oh, it’s not only a market, it’s also a festival, people. There are hayrides and prize pigs helped by friendly spiders and everything) with all the technique of a moray eel, the more pertinent question is can he take direction?
Most guys learn how to do that at some point in their career. Because, again, we want to be bad asses at it. So hopefully, we learn that the way to be a bad ass is to find out what the woman you’re with thinks of as kissing bad-assery. I mean, hopefully we’re all doing what we’re thinking works for our person, no?
ADVICE: LEA, YOU TAKE THE WHEEL
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: This is a metaphor. If you spend your making out time looking for an actual wheel, you’re probably wasting your time. And if you actually find one, well, you might want to stop by the emergency room for a few minutes.)
My advice here, Lea, is to be a little aggressive in promoting your own agenda here. When you’re making out, grab this man’s face, and take charge of exactly how you like to be kissed by going ahead and making it happen. Let him know that this is IT for you, not only by the fact that you’re doing it, but by giving him cues that you are really liking it. If he has ANY brainpower left over (after being so turned on beyond belief by your forthrightness and, well, badassery) he should get the hint. He’ll want to make you like it again.
Good luck, Lea. Get out there and train some dudes!
So, what’s your theory, ladies? Ever been with a “tongue assault” kisser? Ever retrain one? How?
Posted: September 24th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time September 24, 2008 at 12:17 pm
My question is where is Lea finding these kissers? I’ve never (yet) kissed anyone who had a tongue long enough to stick it down my throat. I guess that’s good.?
Furthermore, I guess I’m not like “most women” – while I enjoy gentle lip kissing – have to say, I generally enjoy tongue kissing more. When I’m in the mood that is.
Maybe that’s the problem Lea, you’re kissing these guys when you’re really not in the mood for passionate kissing. Perhaps you just need to be more discerning when it comes to picking kiss worthy guys.
Comment from Liz C
Time September 24, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I get what she means — if a guy goes for it before I’m ready for it, it’s like forcing intimacy. I kinda need to work up to that kind of stuff, especially with someone new.
Kissing. I’m talking about kissing, people. OK, maybe it applies to other ‘stuff’ too.
IMHO, kissing (and other stuff) should be a cooperative venture, not one person doing something to another.
Comment from Lisa
Time September 24, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I don’t know that you could group most women into the category of liking soft gentle kisses. They are nice. But I have to agree with K, if I like who I’m with……
Kiss me and kiss me like you dig me. If all I’m getting is hunt and pecks and whiny boy kisses, I’m gonna start wondering if he’s missing a man sticker on his man card.
Comment from Heather
Time September 24, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I agree it’s in the timing. I made out with a guy once and all I could picture was the cow’s tongue in the meat freezer at the grocery store. It was horrible! But when you are really enjoying someone’s company, it’s nice to escalate to deep passionate, I can’t-be-without-you kisses…..sigh.
Comment from Selena
Time September 24, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Re: Heather’s comments
Yep, IKWYM too. It’s all about the chemistry wouldn’t you say? If it’s there, the kissing is great. If it isn’t it’s one big yuck!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 24, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Dears! Merci….am getting h-o-t in the mostBest sense compliments of seems the shortest ‘slation query! ‘Slation prescription, DearLea, is perfection–demonstrate 4Him on Him 4U!
Yippee, “K” : Totally agree on being “voraciously” kissed, the ideal resuscitating mouth2mouth!
Pardon, am I alone to consider prospects for that “cow’s tongue”? What if it was from a nice free-range bull out of the woods! Oh, wrong door or girlish greed!
HilariousDearJM, 4my greatnew career nudge—Alien Princess ISO Kiss Festival!
Comment from Grace
Time September 25, 2008 at 1:07 am
Very true, you just gotta let him know…..and seriously everyone has slightly different standard on what’s a good kiss, so yes, let him know what’s yours
It’s a two-way thing, so try to find out what’s good for him too
Comment from Single Mom Seeking
Time September 25, 2008 at 1:40 am
This is going down as one of my all time favorite posts.
This is classic:
“They’re into it, they want to be MORE into it, and they figure, “Let’s crank this thing up to eleven and see how she flies, shall we?” Dopey logic, but there it is.”
Comment from Luna
Time September 25, 2008 at 11:24 am
I’m with K on this and maybe cultural differences should be considered too. I’m South American and upon moving to the US was dissapointed with the too gentle no tongue action kisses – which to me screams bad kissers! I felt like telling these guys “hey your tongue is very welcome down my throat!”
Comment from Theatregal
Time September 26, 2008 at 6:51 am
I agree that it often depends upon the moment. Cuddling often requires soft kisses, but when we are both revved up on high wonderful, passionate tongue kisses are required. I had never really had a truly terrible kiss since Junior High School until I started dating again after my divorce. I went out with a guy who was doing and saying everything right, plus he was 12 years younger than me. Then he moved in for the kiss good bye. UGH!!! I had not been the receiver of “the Wide Mouth Bass with the Jack Hammer tongue” since I was 12. I tried every way possible to help him to change. Finally, I realized that this was going to require a small talk of some sort because “subtle” was completely lost on him. He was 34, so I couldn’t imagine that someone hadn’t brought the subject of the way he kissed up at sometime. So, I just jumped in. I very nicely explained to him that it was much more of a turn onto be kissed by a man with soft, tender lips, as opposed to lips stretched so tight and open and far apart they couldn’t move…..and tongues that explored one another in a very sensual working through to sexual as the thermomometer rises than to have my mouth literally attacked by what seemed to be not attached, had a mind of it’s own, and was about to kill me. Well, I received an answer that NEVER crossed my mind. He wasn’t upset at all. He looked at me quizically and sais, “You know. you’re not the first woman to tell me something very similar to that.” I said,”Okay. Then how come you haven’t changed the way you kiss?” He said, ” Because this is the way I like to kiss. I like it and I don’t want to change.” We talked a little more about coming to some sort of middle ground or compromise and he didn’t want to change, even though I found out most of his “relationships” never lasted more than a few weeks. Go figure.
Comment from No time to lose
Time September 27, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I have broken up with men in my life who were bad kissers and UNTRAINABLE: 1. sloppy dog kisser. 2. The helicopter kiss. The first is obvious, but the second – just imagine a tongue that believes it is trying out for Cirque D’ Soleil! It went around and around in side my mouth. Even thought this guy had a great job – a home – two cars, I couldn’t make it work. I would literally stop him and tell him to “feel” the kiss with me. But soon…while we were making out..away it would go! Twirly twirly twirly.
Comment from marty
Time May 12, 2009 at 10:21 pm
I’m all for passionate kissing, but yeah, there are some guys out there that don’t quite have the technique down.
I have to say that my worst kissing experience (at least that I remember) was with a dear friend that I had been flirting with for years. One we finally got down and dirty it was so disappointing. He did the pecking thing. What am I? Bird food? I wanted to hold on his head, pry his mouth open and stick my tongue in. Needless to say, that didn’t work out.
Recently I had a very good kissing experience and my tongue was sore for days. The best part was that he could also do tender soft kisses when appropriate.
Comment from Jenny Ejercito
Time October 10, 2010 at 11:57 pm
Perhaps it is their way to express themselves and stimulate themselves. This is also one way for them to get the interest of their partners.
Comment from Paulette
Time February 14, 2011 at 9:42 am
The last two guys I have kissed would not kiss me with a closed mouth. I think if you are kissing someone for the first time it should work up to a French kiss. I think kissing with a closed mouth is MUCH sexier! If a guy wants to gag me, he better do it with something longer than his tongue.
Comment from K
Time September 24, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Quite honestly, and this is just me, what a turn on it is to have the man I am seeing voraciously kiss me!!
I get excited because he is getting excited!!
Not to mention if he is attacking my mouth with gusto certainly my body is next in line!!
Woo hoo!!
But hey, that’s just my take on it.