He Knows It Upsets Her…But Still Won’t Stop
TJo’s man seems to be perfect…except for one little thing that is bugging her. He maintains phone/text contact with some former ladies of his, and it’s bothering her. She trusts he won’t cheat, but still wants him to stop. Should she let this go and hope it goes away on its own? I think it might be a little more complex than that. But first, let’s get some more info:
Help! I’m confused.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: While it’s perfectly acceptable here, I recommend that you do not begin a 911 call this way. They can solve a lot of things, but relationship confusion just seems to annoy them.)
My BF is great on all accounts except one, I’m not sure if I should let his behavior slide or break up w/him because of it. He has moved around alot for his job, has been a serial dater but nothing serious. We met on an internet site, he contacted me, see each other often,says he loves me & wants to build a future with me. He’s a fun to be around, everybody loves him. Even his ex-girlfriends, even though they’re just ” friends ” and live several states away from us he insists that he be allowed to maintain his phone/text relationship with 2 of these former females.
“Allowed” to? Methinks I sense some of the genesis of his resistance right there.
They were nothing serious in his life, no “I love you”, no future, they were just his here & now girls. Both females have moved on to dating others but are still in contact with my guy with fun/semi-flirty text messages & phone calls. I trust him that he would never cheat on me but I feel that his relationships with them is “inappropriate” and is disrespectful to me and our relationship. I have lots of guy friends but have never dated or slept with any of my guys friends and do not communicate with them in anyway that would be flirty/sexy. He knows this upsets me. Should I just let it ride & see if it passes? If it weren’t for this he’d be perfect.
Dear TJo,
Ok, I see a couple of things that might give us some sense what to do here. Some of it’s on him, some of it’s on you.
YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD…I DOONA THINK IT MEANS WHATCHOO THINK IT MEANS
I think this is a great example of how two people can think they’re speaking the same language but are not. You both are talking about “contact with exes” but I don’t think it means the same thing to both of you.
Now, sure, in some cases if a man is contacting ex-girlfriends, you might well wonder if he were planning on actually doing something about it. You might think that he was mistreating you, or planning to do so. And hey, as we all know, in some cases he IS.
But you don’t seem to think that’s what is happening here. You seem to be suggesting that you fully trust that he wouldn’t do that. So barring any other information, let’s go with your gut for a second here.
Ergo, the problem boils down to…it’s just this…contact.
For you, it’s inappropriate and disrespectful. Evidently for him, this contact doesn’t mean that at all. If he is as “perfect” as you say, he wouldn’t do something that he felt was inappropriate and disrespectful.
TELL HIM WHY, NOT JUST WHAT
I bring up the whole “dueling definitions” thing because when you ask him to stop doing something that he sees as harmless, he’s going to resist. Why? Because he doesn’t understand your point of view. He is going to have to make assumptions about why you’re asking for this. And in this situation, my guess is that his assumptions are going to fall under the heading of, “She doesn’t trust me, even though she says she does.” Or, “I guess she’s just irrationally jealous of other women I talk to, even though I’m not interested in them.”
The bottom line is, my guess is that he thinks that he’s being very reasonable, explaining to you how this doesn’t mean anything, and you’re asking him to stop anyway. To say that it is “inappropriate” or “disrespectful” isn’t enough.
I think what you need to do is to make him understand WHY you feel as you do about this. He needs to understand that even though it doesn’t strike him as a negative action, it does feel that way to you. And what you’re asking him to do is to respect what you need, even if it doesn’t totally make sense to him.
Make sense?
THAT WORD: “ALLOWED.”
This word tells me about you AND him. Nobody likes to feel like they’re “allowed” to do anything. That’s how children are described. Children and prisoners. Not people who are in an adult relationship. It’s no fun to be the “allowed” person, and it’s no fun to try to be the “allower” either
VERDICT: MORE FREEDOM, MORE EXPLANATION
My sense is that if this guy is as great as you seem to feel he is, he should be able to hear something in the realm of, “Listen, it’s not my job to forbid or allow anything, and that’s not what I’m trying to do. What I’m saying is, no matter how harmless YOU feel this contact is, here’s what I feel knowing that you do it…”
He should be able to hear that, TJo. If he can’t, well, you have to ask yourself what kind of a person knowingly does something that hurts someone else?
Should she let it ride? Ever gotten a guy to put a stop to this kind of thing? How’d you do it?
Posted: September 26th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Amy
Time September 26, 2008 at 9:17 am
Agree on the “allowed.” No one wants to feel they are on a leash.
It’s the “semi-flirty” that bugs me. Are we talking “Hey there hottie” or “What color is your underwear?” I do think it is possible to be buddies with people of the opposite sex, even if you’ve slept together in the past, but personally I don’t continue to be a little bit dirty with men I’m not interested in sleeping with again. And if I did, I would not continue to do it unless I was getting some sort of encouragement back from him.
So, my beef would not be with the contact, it would be with the content. If it’s truly semi-flirty and he’s reciprocating or even just giving tacit agreement, it may be a red flag. I’d also be curious how old this serial dater with no serious relationships in his past is. Perhaps there is more of a reason for that than the fact that he moves often. If he can’t avoid the flirty after you have the talk Jeff suggested, it may be time to cut him loose.
Comment from moody.bitch
Time September 26, 2008 at 10:40 am
“If it weren’t for this he’d be perfect.”
If this is truly the ONLY problem you have with him, then I’d say, let it go already. Ruining an otherwise perfect relationship over ONE thing that only poses a threat if YOU let it become one is just short-sighted in my opinion.
Now, when Jeff says “make him understand WHY you feel as you do about this”, well, I think the first person who needs to understand the WHY here is YOU.
The only reasons I can see for finding this type of behavior “inappropriate” and “disrespectful” involve the perception that he is somehow betraying you, which is another way to say “cheating on you”. But if you truly don’t believe that he would ever do that, then why are you so bothered by his contact with these ex-girlfriends, particularly when they are not even in the same state?
I think you don’t really want to admit, to either yourself or him, that you perceive these women as a threat. So, when you use words like “inappropriate” and “disrespectful”, you’re just wanting to seem rational and reasonable to him, because you think it sounds better than “I absolutely hate the fact that you dated other women before me, and knowing that you are still in contact with them is just a constant reminder to me that you did; and yes, I’m jealous that you still talk to them!”
I’d wager he’d find that explanation far more believable and thus, easier to understand.
But, if he still insists you have nothing to worry about, and keeps doing what he’s doing (and that’s the ONLY thing he’s doing “wrong”), then I think you need to choose to believe him, which is a great way of showing confidence in him AND in the relationship.
Even better: it demonstrates confidence in YOURSELF. “Who cares if you talk to your ex-girlfriends? There’s a reason why they’re the exes, and why I’m the one who’s here with you now. Hey, you can even tell them I said HI!”
And before you know it, once you’ve changed your own attitude and approach toward this “problem”, he might just find it’s not as much fun talking to these women anymore. 
Comment from Liz C
Time September 26, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I have the ‘don’t boss me’ gene. I do not react well AT ALL to someone dictating my behavior. I’m guessing most adults don’t react well to that. To boss someone like that shows a huge amount of disrespect.
I can say this with authority — I bossed my ex husband around for much of our 28 years together. Many of the issues we had were mine alone, and I tried to manage them by controlling his behavior. Not healthy.
If it really is harmless and it still is really that big of a deal for you, then you might want to explore than and figure out why.
Explain your feelings (once you understand them). Then all you can do is see what his response is. Then you get to decide how you’re going to handle that.
Comment from Selena
Time September 26, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I also think it would be helpful to know what these “semi flirting” things are he’s saying.
I’ve known some very insecure and jealous people who can take the most innocous remarks for innappropriate and disrespectful behavior. Mystifying.
It’s easy to read *bad* into something if you have trust issues within yourself. Or have reason to have them with your partner.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 27, 2008 at 12:07 am
Dear TJo,
It can be sad not to get desired goods, however, 1st question: Do U know whether Mr. Perfection cheated ON an ‘ex’ with an ‘ex’… or wth U?
Then2, why not seek to meet the ‘friends’ who are important 2Him; wouldn’t U want 2meet if they were ‘male’ friends? If realFriends, warm fuzzies galore!
Perhaps, what U2 share would increase when there’s less or nothing withheld.
Your ‘ship might prosper sooner by focusing on *adding* comfort 4UBoth—rather than focusing on *allowing* (!even if not Love affirming!) behavior. Ask Him 2includeU in texting and 2chat with Uaround. Is there a good reason that something is excluded re-Your ears! Ask…Suggest…Talk!
Dear “moody.bitch”, ooh lala—There’s sense&thrills 2love in Words UnMinced!
JMDear–PerfPitch on “sense” re the guy being “great” [Rnot]. TJo.. scores!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 27, 2008 at 4:22 pm
P.S. 2Dear TJo….
Re-those galpals, President Abe Lincoln’s relationship! advice is practical. He said:
“Best way to defeat an enemy is to befriend him”. It works ’cause Hate is hard work; Love is easier!
Comment from Christina
Time September 28, 2008 at 7:21 am
On reading TJo’s letter, I wasn’t so sure that she was the one using the term “allowed”. She says, “he insists that he be allowed to maintain his phone/text relationship with 2. . .” So I got the impression that the “allowed” terminology might be coming from him, might be a rhetoric he created. Just a hunch.
Comment from Mary
Time September 28, 2008 at 4:14 pm
She doesn’t note their ages nor if the ex’s are wives. I am dealing with that now. She needs to grow up! He probably does too. Especially if there are children or alimony involved. I have male friends that I would never in a million years sleep with so get over it honey. I agree also with Liz C nobody tells me what to do, I will do the exact opposite at least he anit hiding it.
Comment from Selena
Time September 26, 2008 at 8:01 am
When I read that “allowed” part my thought was, ” I wonder what other things she thinks about in terms of allowing him to do or not.” I wouldn’t be so keen on dating someone who thought they had a say in whether or not I should be “allowed” to have contact with friends who happened to be ex’s. It does somewhat allude to insecurity and jealousy on the part of the new girlfriend, despite the fact she says she trusts him. And after all, these women live several states away – where is the threat?
HOWEVER, I don’t do semi-flirty contact with ex’s. I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea. And it would bother me to have a partner who did that with his ex’s – no matter how casual the relationships were when they were going on. Who needs that?
I’d try Jeff’s advice TJo…tell the guy how the flirty contact makes you feel. If he really doesn’t see that it’s bumping up against a line, and agrees to stop it (tone it down)… he may not be as perfect as you think he is. He may in some sense, be holding these women in reserve for future possibilities. Happens.