manslations

Barby’s been sorta-kinda e-flirting with a man for a little while now, and they finally were getting ready to go out for “a drink.” All of a sudden, he gets squirrelly, and out trots “the girlfriend.” They go out and he explains himself (wait til you hear this one) and Barby’s confused. Why is this GF making a sudden cameo? And should Barby bring the curtain down? Who the eff knows unless we read this thing? Let’s light this candle, people. And then manslate it. Oh, you know where I’m headed…

I have had a crush on this man for almost 18 months.  We e-mailed mainly.  We work together but in different areas.  He never replied to an e-mail from almost 15 months ago and I never pushed it or asked.

I would say not much going on here at all, right? A crush on your part, not much action from either of you so far, yes?

Fast forward to 08/07 – he comes and requests to my boss for me to work on something for him.  The e-mailing begins again, but now has continued through to this date and has not stopped.  He was always casual but very nice and respectful.  Sharing himself and what he does.  Finally, he asks me out for a drink  this past February but does not want to meet until after the outage (odd but OK no problem), but then starts to say odd things like  ”I like my bachelorhood, I’m selfish (or so my ex wife says), I like living alone.

Ah, the game of lowered expectations. Especially pertinent in this, the season of political debates. When a guy says, “I like my bachelorhood” it’s probably like when a politician says, “Well, my opponent is obviously a VERY skilled debater, blah blah blah.” In both cases, they’re trying to get you not to bust on them too badly whey they screw up, which they’re a-plannin’ on doing. (Of course, when it’s just a boyfriend, you’re only attempting to determine whether or not he’d be a good commander-in-chief of his own pants. Which…even that is still not an easy job for some dudes.)

He mentions stuff like this a few more times and finally I ask him what the problem is.  He said he is unsure of how to act with women and I am the FIRST woman since his divorce that he has asked out.

Ok, that’s…well, I mean, that’s still a pretty lame excuse. I’d call it a placeholder excuse. As in, this is ok for starters, but if he leans on it, well, it’s just not much of a “load-bearing” excuse. He’s an adult, he’s been married. He should be able to figure out “how to act with women.”

OK so finally the drink is about to happen but he is balking.  I ask what is the problem again and he tells me he has a girlfriend. I am like WTF?

I am like that as well! Exactly like WTF. For one thing, let’s travel way back in time to, like, five seconds ago when you were the FIRST woman since his divorce. Nice, dude. Man, that is a pretty weak move for a player, I’ll tell you that.

So we do meet to go out and he explains himself.

Oh. Wow. Well, maybe it wasn’t such a weak move after all. I mean, you still agreed to go out.

He said they are not in love and he is “Very comfortable” with her and there is no passion.

MANSLATION: I would prefer to a.) NOT break up with her, and also b.) sleep with you, both at the same time.

WE have a fantastic time, there is chemistry, connection, just an overall good time.  He is very courteous, kind, funny, sweet, pays for everything and does not try anything.  He tells me how much he likes me and is attracted to me.  He mentions getting together multiple time while we are out.  He doesn’t want the night to end and neither do I, but it ends.  He wants a hug.

Oh, I love a good belly laugh. Wants a hug. Oh, I like this guy. Funny guy.

I told him a few days later I cannot see him outside alone.  I have feelings and I’m afraid that things will get out of hand.  He kind of glides over it and tells me how beautiful I am, how much he enjoyed me and playfully asks to get together in 2009.  We have only been in communication by e-mail and he is still a little flirty.  And I am to.  Why didn’t his man just tell me UP front he had a girlfriend.  He has been with her for 4 years.  Can you translate what he is trying to do?

Dear Barby,

Well, your second question is the easiest. Can I translate what he is trying to do. Yes I can. The answer can be found in the nearest mirror. If there’s one thing he’d like to “do” it’s you.

WHY KEEP THE GIRLFRIEND A SECRET?

Well, it’s simple, he was afraid you weren’t going to show him your Personal & Confidential body areas if he told you about her.

Look, forget about that question. Ask yourself a better one: if you ignore his words and work off of his actions, what do you get? He:

• …Flirted with you.
• …Lied to you (saying that you were the first girl since the divorce.)
• …Went out with you.
• …Did NOT break up with the girlfriend, nor did he give you any indication that he was about to.

Does this sound like the description of your own personal Prince Charming? (hint: “erm…no.”)

WHY KEEP THE GIRLFRIEND AT ALL?

That’s the real question here. If they have so little passion that he wants to cheat on her, why doesn’t he just leave her, whether you’re in the picture or not? The answer, barring some further action on his part, is that he does not WANT to leave the girlfriend. He wants to keep her, AND mess around with you. Nice guy.

MANSLATIONS VERDICT: EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!

Don’t be fooled, Barby. Don’t let him smoothtalk you on this one. His actions should be answering all of your questions. Well, unless one of your questions is, “Dude, how do you look your girlfriend in the eye?” Actually, even that one is answered pretty well here — He doesn’t care enough. He doesn’t care enough about her to keep himself from cheating, nor does he care enough about you to be truthful with you.

Bail out, Barby. Bail out.

What’s your experience with the belated appearance of la friend du girle, ladies? How’d it turn out?