manslations

What happens when a man repeatedly expresses doubts about the relationship, but always comes back around? Do you trust him? Or are you going to end up getting squish, just like grape (if I may quote Mr. Miyagi)? Rebecca wants to know. She’s got a guy who seems great…but then suddenly he freaks. They talk, they work it out, and he’s cool again. What the eff? I shall tell ye, Rebecca. (Look eye. Always look eye.)

I’ve been in a relationship for about 1 1/2 years with a guy who I have fallen in love with. About 6 months ago, he came over to my house and suddenly started saying how he felt all this doubt about our relationship but he wasn’t sure why. Things up to this point had been going well, we had been spending a few nights a week together around our other commitments and sex was no problem. We managed to work through this with a lot of talking, crying and soul searching on both our parts. After a few days, we had cleared up whatever was making him feel uneasy. He got back to normal and our relationship got back to normal. Recently, he moved house and we talked about the prospect of me moving in too. He seemed happy and positive about this and I was at first a little reluctant, but had come to the decision over the last week to move in with him sometime in the next few months. Last night, I sensed there was something wrong with him. I asked him what the matter was and he confessed that he once again felt doubtful and uneasy with me moving in with him. He seemed quite upset and despite my best efforts I got a little emotional too. Our relationship seems to be ok – we enjoy spending time together, but are also happy to give each other space to do other things when needed, and we enjoy a healthy sex life. I am really confused about these two episodes. What is going on? Is this going to keep happening every so often over the course of our relationship? I really love this guy and am afraid I am going to end up the one hurt and broken hearted.

Dear Rebecca,

I think what’s telling about your situation seems to be the timing of your dude’s freakouts. Check it out. It seems that he went a little bat poop just as you two were:

1. …hitting the notorious “One Year Mark” (a well documented dude “yikes” moment.)
   
2. …discussing moving in together (another “eep” moment for many dudes.)
   

If I had to guess, it sounds to me like we’re talking about a young-ish dude, Rebecca. Sounds like you might be the first woman (or close to it) with whom he has passed these milestones. Why do they freak dudes (and some women) out so? I’m awfully glad you asked me that, you little question that I just made up!

THE OL’ FEAR O’ ESCALATION

People talk about the “fear of commitment” but I think this one comes up far more often. It happens just when it seems like you’re about to make a really positive step together. You’re passing the year mark, you’re getting ready to move in together, you’re getting ready to get married, have a kid, whatever. And suddenly, this guy flips out. Why?

FEELINGS…UH…THAT’S LIKE…HUNGRY, RIGHT?

I think it has to do with the fact that while most dudes aren’t very consciously able to articulate their feelings, we can at times be very, VERY in touch with them. Like, in the same way that you’re “in touch with” a bottle of Jack Daniels after you down it all at once. Intense, and (for many of us menfolk) totally unfamiliar.

And so when we’re getting ready to cross one of these thresholds — these “next level” moments — we feel something (I like to think of it as a tremor in The Force, but feel free to come up with a less geeky reference if you must) and we’re just flat not used to noticing that sort of thing. Freaks us a little.

See, for a lot of us, we are only that aware of our feelings when there’s an emergency going on. Like, literally. As in, one that might involve an Emergency Room. You know, with blood and a defibrillator and someone asking for something “stat.”

VERDICT: NOT NECESSARILY A PROBLEM…BUT DEFINITELY WORTH A CHAT

Here’s the thing. I don’t know this guy, other than what you’ve told me. And I’m not saying that your worries aren’t justified — his trepidation certainly could be due to the fact that he’s not sure he wants to be with you, definitely.

HOWEVER, the fact that his freakouts seem to come only at “next level” moments, and the two of you seem to be able to talk through it might mean that he’s just responding to the emotional turbulence, and having an emotional barfbag moment, until the emotional pilot can fly up another 10,000 feet to get some clear air.

And that metaphor, ladies, is what happens when you’re engaged to a flight attendant.

Seriously, Rebecca. When you two are in a calm, secure moment, it might be worth mentioning to him that this tendency of his is making you feel a little insecure, and you want to know what’s really going on. It sounds like you two are able to talk, so talk. It’s certainly reasonable for you to expect a straight answer there.

Good luck, Rebecca! And if he can’t give you a straight answer, sweep the leg. Works every time. (Well, except for the only time anybody ever did it, in that movie.)

What do you think, ladies? Is this guy jerking her around? Could he just be young and nervous? How to deal?