manslations

What happens when your man doesn’t want to hear about what YOU want in bed? Lexie tried, but he didn’t want to hear it. What’s the problem? Aren’t guys supposed to LIKE that? Let’s see if we can help Lexie teach her man to ring the bell, shall we?

why doesn’t my husband like me to be vocal in bed and tell him what pleases me?? he takes it like Im nagging him…Don’t most men like women to tell them what pleases them???  The other night i asked him to kiss my shoulders and he hen pecked them…so i said can you kiss them more passionately and he went off on me.  I am not a demanding person and don’t say a lot in bed for this reason…he doesn’t seem to care about the extras that turn me on, just the main event

Dear Lexie,

My gut reaction here is that your man thinks that you telling him what to do equals HE’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Now, I’m not sure what this is about for him specifically. Could be a few things. Could be:

• He’s insecure in general. It could be that he feels like his whole life is about constantly being on the alert for people who are bringing him down, challenging his manhood. Basically, this kind of a guy would read ANYTHING that seems to suggest he could be doing it better as an insult.
• He’s insecure about sex specifically. He doesn’t want to think about what he’s not doing right because he’s pretty sure that he isn’t doing ANY of it right. When you bring it up, he gets angry because you’re pointing out something he was already afraid you were going to notice. This one seems very possible given that he seemed to get REALLY upset when he tried what you wanted and you “corrected” him.
• Nag-hair trigger. You two have some kind of a nag-related history, and he’s just lumping these comments in with those. Could be that your “delivery” is reminding him of other conversations that you’ve had. This could also work in concert with the first two.
• He’s…um…not very kind. I mean. That’s a possibility, I suppose. I don’t know this guy, but this behavior could point to the kind of guy who is just not interested in your pleasure. And so, when you bring it up, he’s annoyed or even angry. (Keeper!)

It’s not clear to me what it is, based on what you’ve told me. But it doesn’t necessarily matter, because as I see it, you’ve gotten to a place where you really don’t have many options. Yes, it’s time for…

THE SEX TALK

Normally, I would very much recommend what you’ve already done as a first step. Being vocal, telling a guy what you want WHILE it’s happening. It seems like you’re not getting what you want, even though you’re hinting. I’d suggest that you start up a conversation about this when you are NOT in the heat of the moment. In the middle of things, it seems that whatever his issue is makes it impossible.

I’d consider saying something along the lines of, “Listen, I’m getting the sense that you’re not wild about it when I let you know what I want in bed. I don’t know if you think that I’m trying to criticize you, or what it is. I just want us both to get what we want, and as much of it as we want. I want to know what YOU want just as much as I want you to know what I want. I know it seems to bother you, can we talk about why?”

Now, to prep you for this conversation, you should get ready for:

• …he will NOT want to talk about this. No matter what his reasons for not liking you asking for what you want in bed, yep, they’re going to be involved here. You want to defuse this as quickly as possible, with the idea that all you want is for BOTH of you to be happy, and this is NOT some ambush or attack.
• …the truth about him. I mean, this is where you’re going to find out exactly why he’s choosing NOT to do what you want in bed. If it’s because he just doesn’t really care about what you get in bed, well, you’re going to hear about it. (An argument could be made, though, that you’d want to hear about that sooner rather than later, no?)
• …the truth about you. The reason could be something about you that he doesn’t like. And this is his chance to talk about it, since you’re bringing up YOUR thing.

The main thing here, Lexie, is that this is OBVIOUSLY an unwelcome subject for him. The more you can focus on love and kindness and the less you can focus on indignation that you’re not getting what you need, the more easily you will be able to slip into this conversation.

Good luck, Lexie. The very good news is, if you two can really get together and talk about this, I have a feeling that your sex life is going to get very, very interesting.

How do YOU get your point across in the bedchamber, miladies? Ever meet a guy who didn’t want to hear?