manslations

We’ve talked about this a little bit before. How and when is the best time and way to remove your skeletons from the closet and show them to a dude? (My apologies to anyone who lives in a country where “skeletons in the closet” is not a metaphor you recognize. I can only imagine how weird that might have sounded.)

Now, this question is a little more specific. A reader, calling herself “Nervous” has a condition that she knows she has to share, but doesn’t know when, how, and ways to tell IF she should. Nervous, I’m-a hook you up. Let’s find out what she’s working with…

hi Jeff,
I’ve been reading your manslations for a while now, and i have to say that i love reading all of your advice and insights.  I have a problem that is a little different from what i’ve been reading, it does not involve a specific man, at this time– i guess you could say it’s just a general problem with all men that i am dating when i want to become more intimate with them.
You see, i have herpes, and i always get nervous when it comes time to tell the person that i’m dating.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s something i’ll be living with the rest of my life, and truth be told, it isn’t nearly as bad as i originally assumed it would be.  I rarely have outbreaks, and when i do they are very minor and go away quickly with my medication.  But i still feel it necessary to tell anyone that i am going to be having sex with before we do the deed out of respect/duty, whatever you want to call it.  Since i contracted the virus, i have told 3 men.  2 of them were ok with it, and 1 of them just skipped right on out of my life, which i am guessing he would have done eventually anyways, but i think part of the reason is the way that i told him. So that kind of brings me to my question.

I am wondering what you think the best way to approach the subject is and tell a guy without scaring them off, and how far into a relationship should i wait?  I always kind of end up blurting it out at odd moments and i’m sure this is not the most effective way, although so far it has worked for two thirds of the guys i’ve tried it on, lol!  I am very shy, and always get nervous when i tell people.  Also, do you think there are any signs that i should look for before telling someone that might let me know how accepting/trustworthy (i don’t want this information promptly told to all of his friends after i have divulged it to him) the guy might be of the situation?

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you!!!

Dear Nervous,

First of all, I’d like to say that you seem to be handling the whole thing pretty well. And as I’m sure you have already learned, you’re clearly not alone. After I read your letter, I did a little research and looked up some statistics right here. It seems that one in four women have herpes. And one in five men. My friends, that’s a lotta herpes. Anything that is true of that many people, well, I think it can’t really be considered “shameful” any longer, if you think about it.

Now, that having been said, I can certainly understand that you’d feel a little nervous about how to talk about it. Not everyone is as enlightened as I am, having read those stats on that website 40 seconds ago. (I’m not bragging about it or anything. I’m just stating a FACT that I now know more about this than a lot of people do. Ok, I’m drunk with power from all the knowledge I’ve acquired, I admit it.)

To your credit, you seem to be of the mind that you have to tell. And I think that is 100% right. By the statistic above, it certainly would seem that not everyone is as conscientious as you are. (Special thanks to all those jerks.) So, when and how do you do it? And how can you tell who’s going to respond well? Let’s see:

THE “BEST WAY” TO TELL SOMEONE

You know, this is going to sound weird. But I have to say that your method — “blurting it out at odd moments” is likely not so bad. Really.

Why? It’s honest. It comes from a place of wanting to be straight with him. It’s not calculated. And it also likely comes from a place of vulnerability. Nobody wants to feel like they got your “A-game speech” about this.

It’s less about the method and more about the intention. Why are you telling him? Because you care about him? Because you want to make sure he knows everything he needs to know? To keep him as safe as possible? Let your REASONS  be your guide.

OK, SO WHEN?

Same deal here. This is likely best left up to your gut. As long as it’s before there is even the slightest chance of putting him in any danger, you are going to want to just rely upon your best judgment. When do you feel that this man — THIS man, not A man — needs to know? There’s not some magical timeframe like, “Well, it’s got to be between 4 days and 17 days, or you’re SCREWED!!” But this all brings us to the big one:

HOW TO KNOW WHO TO TELL? WHO DO YOU TRUST?

This is the real key to both the How and When you’re going to tell him. And I’d say that this is less about SIGNS than it is about TRUST. I’m talking a lot about your “gut” in this post. And that’s because this is a real trust issue. Is this specific guy someone you feel good about knowing your private business? Would you feel sick to your stomach if this guy accidentally found out your bank password? Would you feel confident that if you left something like a private journal sitting out in the open, he wouldn’t read it? I’m sure you have your own ways of determining who in your life is trustworthy. Well, now is the time.

I know I’m not giving you much instruction on the HOW part of this. And frankly, I don’t think that there should be some “effective method” that you use. I think that would necessarily be LESS effective than your own natural way. But I will tell you one last thing:

ARMED WITH INFORMATION, READY FOR ANYTHING

Personally, I’d suggest that you might want to have some information about herpes at your fingertips. Not that you’d offer it right off. Just as something to have on hand, in case he’s got questions. This might be a first for him, and he might not really know what to make of it. Help him understand exactly what you’re telling him.

And lastly, whenever you tell him, just realize that not everyone is going to have a great reaction. You’ve already had one out of three have a “not fantastico” reaction. You know, some people might just get a little freaked here. Not necessarily bad people, either. But it might happen. Just know that going in.

Good luck, Nervous. There’s no shame in this, and there’s no shame in telling. And frankly, there’s no shame in having someone react badly to this. The only shame would be if you violated your OWN feeling of what was right and didn’t tell. Sounds like you’re on the right track there.

Oh ladies? Any advice on the when’s and how’s? Any ideas of how NOT to?