manslations

I’ve been told that this is a biggie. The kid comes, everybody gets exhausted, and the sex goes out the window. (I wouldn’t say that this is the reason that Liz and I have decided not to have kids, but it’s sure not a selling point on changing our minds either.)

But seriously, folks. Elise has talked about it with her man, and nothing seems to change. Does this mean the death of sexytime? Let’s get some more details before we schedule an autopsy room, shall we?

Dear Jeff,

I met my husband 3 years ago, we hit it off real well, started dating, we moved in together, got married and I got pregnant.  Here’s the catch, up until this point everything was going fine, we were going out every night, we had an awesome sex life, I hit 5 mos pregnant and he slowly shut me off of sex until he said it weirded him out too much to be with me sexually.

I’ve been told that this can be a weird moment for plenty of men. And by that, I mean that I’ve seen the movie “Knocked Up.” There’s something going on there that they don’t fully understand, they don’t know if they’re hurting you or the baby, and they just can’t let themselves get into it.

It was around this point that we stopped going out and he stopped drinking, a year later he still is the same way.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to want me anymore, or, at least like he used to.  He says he does, he says he’s stressed now with money, (I’m a SAHM and we’re down to one income) he says that he’s just too plain tired now some nights.  He says he loves me, says he still finds me very attractive, ..I just dont get it,  I’ve lost all my pregnancy weight and go to the gym while he’s at work…we text each other through the day, he calls me, our relationship seems great, we just barely have a sex life now,..and I’m really starting to resent it. I talk to him about it and tell him how I’m feeling he tells me his reasons (as I’ve said above) and then adds, well, I don’t know what to tell you.   Does this mean I’m going to be in a marriage with barely any sex life??  Help !!

Thanks

Sincerely
Elise

Dear Elise,

Ok, here’s what I see. It seems like what you’re saying is that you had great sex, then there was a period of time when sex was sort of “forbidden” and finally there’s been enough time between then and now that the two of you just don’t know how to find your way back. So, let’s see if we can’t figure out where he’s at, and see if you can’t find your way over there.

WHY MIGHT A MAN SHUT DOWN THE SEX DRIVE?

Here’s the thing. I don’t have kids, but I HAVE been in a relationship that was pretty damn sexless after a point. In my experience with this, in an intimate relationship, when intimacy goes, sex goes. When I’m talking about the intimacy going, I’m talking about:

• Unresolved issues
• Secrets
• Major busyness
• Distance
• Too long since the last time
• Neglect, emotionally or otherwise

Basically, anything that does what I call “closing the airlocks.” Anything that might tend to keep the two of you in separate bubbles — both of your emotional lives sealed off from one another.

WHAT’S INTIMACY GOT TO DO WITH SEX? THIS IS A GUY WE’RE TALKING ABOUT!

Yes, I know that you’ve heard that guys can have sex when there’s no intimacy at all. Well, not with the person with whom there’s SUPPOSED to be intimacy. In my personal experience, when I’m in a situation that demands intimacy where there’s something that I’m not sure about, it’s easier to avoid the sex, lest she see my not-sure-ness.

It doesn’t have to be something deep and dark. It could just be the stress of feeling like I’M over HERE dealing with all of THIS, and SHE’s over THERE dealing with all of THAT stuff and…oh crap, I don’t have the energy to deal with crossing that distance right now.

Keeping yourself separate like that takes energy. Being close gives it. But when you’ve been holding yourself separate, you forget that. And you sometimes feel that being close is going to take EVEN MORE than you’re already expending now, and eh what’s the point?

The trouble is, it’s a vicious cycle. Self perpetuating, and it doesn’t get any better.

HOW TO GET BACK TO SEXYTOWN

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you attempt to see where you’re at together:

• NO NAGGING: Not that you don’t have a legitimate grievance, but the point here is to defuse his resistance. Making him feel like you’re standing there with your arms crossed, tapping your toe, saying, “Hurry the eff UP, I’m waiiiiiiting!!!” won’t help. I mean, it certainly isn’t much of a turn-on, right? What will help is…
• BE ON THE SAME SIDE: You’ve got to find a way that the two of you are on the same side of this issue. You’ve got to find SOME ground that both of you can stand on in agreement. At the very, very least, both of you want a happy, fulfilling life for each other, as free of stress or unnecessary tension as possible, yes? Well, start there. Or wherever. What you don’t want is to get stuck any deeper on your OWN sides, wondering why the other one isn’t coming to your side. Be on the SAME side.
• WANT WHAT YOU WANT: Sometimes in these situations, you can find yourself starting to wonder, “Am I just being unreasonable here?” You’re not. What you want is sexual satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with that. Let him know that you want what you want, and don’t apologize for that.
• BE WILLING TO HEAR HIS SIDE: Don’t just go in assuming that you know what his reasons are, or that he’s wrong by default. For whatever reason, he thinks this situation is the best choice. Find out why. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, “I don’t just want you to tell me what i want to hear. I really want to know — what do you want here? We’re together and I love you — and that means we’ve got to do our best to see that everybody gets what they need.“

And lastly…

PREPARE FOR SOME INITIAL TURBULENCE…

People seal off the airlocks for some reason. Maybe even a small one. But it’s real. And we keep them sealed because, well, opening that airlock door causes that really loud WHOOSH noise, and if you’re watching the right movies sometimes an alien comes flying out of it. It’s not always comfy right off the bat, is what I’m saying. But I’ll tell you this — if you don’t open those doors? It’s never gonna get any comfier.

Good luck, Elise. This isn’t an easy one. It requires you both to agree to face something initially uncomfortable. But if there’s a way back, it’s definitely through.

Where my moms at? Any hints for our pal, Elise on how to keep the lovin’ alive?