manslations

Take your dramamine, grab something solid and hold on tight, people. Lyn has a flipflopper on her hands. He’s up-up-up…then down-down-down. She’s going loopy. She needs some encouragement. Let’s figure out what’s going on and give ‘er some, shall we?

I have dated this man for over 5 years. The relationship has about a 6 week “honeymoon” phase where we both are happy and satisfied. Then he slowly becomes distant. After awhile of emotional neglect and not much communication, I can’t take the frustration anymore. I am calm and clear when I talk with him but I finally just say – goodbye.

You know, if the story ended here, I’d say it would be a disappointing breakup in the mold of “most of the ones I hear about,” yes? And yet…

After several months of silence, he will call with his heart in his hands wanting another chance. Tells me he loves me and all that. After several weeks, I give in. Then the honeymoon begins and after 6 weeks – same thing. He doesn’t allow the relationship to grow. This cycle has occurred 3 times in the past 5+ years. We are in our 50′s now!

Ok. That, I was not expecting. The 50s thing. This seems like a “guy in his early 20s figuring out what’s going on with himself” thing. Hm.

He has asked me to marry him but never does anything about it. He tells me he loves me. He tells me his life is better with me in it…..

This last time I told him to let me in or let me go. If he was willing to let me walk then let me go forever.
I guess he’s thinking about it.

Mm. Charming. I bet that made you feel like about seven dollars.

What in the world does this guy want? Why does he keep coming back?

Sadly, sometimes I feel doomed to be in this kind of “semi-relationship” forever.

I need some encouragement.

Dear Lyn,

Ok, here’s the thing. Get ready for a weighty pronouncement. Ready for one? Cuz one is coming. Really soon. I’m serious. Here it comes. Weighty announcement on a TV countdown in 5, 4, 3, (holds up 2 fingers, holds up one finger, and points.)

MOSTLY, PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY WANT

Lemme ‘splain. I have a friend who “wants to be a standup.” Now, I put that phrase in quotes, because what he REALLY wants is to want to be a standup, but without the whole “totally eating poo onstage a whole bunch of times until you figure out what you’re doing (and often even after)” part. He says he’s going to do it. He writes some stuff. He talks about it. And ultimately doesn’t do it.

Now, some might say that he’s not getting what he wants — i.e. being a standup. I say he IS getting what he wants — i.e. protecting himself from the embarrassment of the initial suckitude that everyone goes through.

To put it another way, this guy might want what he says he wants, but what he REALLY wants is the bottom line result he ends up GETTING. And if you’re wondering which one of those is gonna win, well, can’t you see all those capital letters?

YOUR GUY ISN’T “YOUR” GUY

This guy seems to me to be in a classic situation where he wants to want to be with you. But the truth is, he really doesn’t. He sounds like someone who is afraid to be alone, so he revs up with you — someone who appears to be willing to go along with him. He gets everything humming, and then he gets even MORE freaked out at the prospect that he’s now in a relationship that isn’t right. And then it’s back down, down, down the toilet.

Again.

Ugh.

In my opinion, from what you’ve told me, this ISN’T a “right” situation gone wrong. It just doesn’t. Here’s what I think I know:

YOU DON’T DUMP YOUR PERSON

…At least not three times in a row.

You really don’t. Oh, there might be turbulence, sure. There might be moments when you wonder, “Is this all there is?” There might be moments when you fight, or when you drift apart, or whatever. But you don’t let YOUR PERSON get away. We let people get away, sure. But not your person. Your person is just too precious to let that happen.

And if it DID happen? Let’s say he let you get away that first time. If your relationship had been the right one? Well, if he got a second chance, he wouldn’t blow it again. Anybody with a brain would think, “Well, I know what losing her was like. I’m not doing THAT again.” But he did. Twice.

This guy seems to be very insecure about taking a stand. Either with OR against you.

VERDICT: BUH BYE, DUDE

And don’t let the relationship hit you on the hiney on your way down the road.

Lyn, seriously, unless there’s more here than meets the eye, he’s not likely getting any better than this. And isn’t life stressful enough without THIS? I certainly think it is.

What do you think, ladies? Is this guy worth (yet) another shot?