manslations

I’ve heard this one before. The guy does NOT want to meet the ‘rents. And he doesn’t want you to meet his either. What might this mean? Is it shame? Embarrassment? Selfishness? Uh…itchiness? A phobia of the word “mom”?  I don’t know what other possible reasons there might be. The point is, it happens, and there are a couple of reasons why it might be true. Let’s see if we can suss it out.

Hey there!

I got a friend who .. anyway here is the situation

Good move, Anna. Don’t bother with the “I have a friend,” request for advice. I mean, you’re already writing to a stranger on the internet, right? How much more anonymous do you need to be?

I’m in a LDR: 10 months, 300km (no idea how miles goes .. I am in Spain )

I don’t understand kilometers, as I am an American, and prefer a nice, simple system of measurement. Twelve inches to a foot, 3 feet to a yard, about…I don’t know, 1700 yards or so to a mile, etc. You know — simple. Seriously, the metric system makes, like, literally centiliters more sense than whatever we’re doing.

LDRs are hard in general blabla But my question is WHY does NOT want to meet my parents or let me  meet his? Note that my parents are nice people.

I think I might need some more details before–oh, well lookie there:

Some details:
* When we were dating for 3 months (approx.) we met by chance his mum in the street, he made me walk along with his friends and he talked with his mum privately (she was taking the dog for a walk). When we were on own I asked him why he didn’t just present me, he told me he didn’t feel like doing it. I asked him if it was something wrong in our relationship, he explained he don’t explain things to his parents because they are too ?snoopy. (They actually know about me because they guessed, probably his sister give them a hint .. I know his sister and most of his friends).

Ok, this explanation isn’t all THAT nuts to me. In high school, my family never heard about 90% of what was going on with me because, well, who needs the hassle. Whatever was going on, I wanted it for myself. I didn’t want to have to fend off any overly-excited questions, jokes, jibes, nonsense, and as a friend of mine likes to say, bullsquish. (Sorry, Mom. I do tell you some stuff now, right? I mean, as far as you know…)

* Like 8-9 months later talking about October visit I told him I thought he could stay home.

As in, at the home of your folks, yes?

He freaked for a silent while, I told him I assumed by then (we will be more than one year together) he would have already met them. He said again that he didn’t want to meet my parents and then explained to me that with his ex which they lasted 2yrs and were living at the same city he just met her parents because they met by chance.

Hm. That is a little strange. As in, it seems it took some effort to maintain. (To me, any “effort” is a little strange, as I am what they call “lazy.”)

From this two points it seems (to me) that it is not related to the amount of time we share (just in case you were wondering he told me the ilu words loong ago) or the distance thing .. not even me or my family (?).’

Yeah, I tend to agree with you. Doesn’t seem to be about those things. Hrm.

I will like to make him understand that this important to me, and at the same time I want to know why it is important for him to not meet them .. and try  to find a “middle point”. At least be able to have a lunch/dinner at my home.

Kind regards from Spain,

Anna

PS I enjoy reading you and your commentators hope this will continue open once your book is published!!!

Dear Anna,

Ok, first of all, as I say, I agree with you — it doesn’t seem like it’s about the fact that you JUST got together, since you didn’t. And it also doesn’t seem to be about the LDR, or that he’s not committed to you or something. Doesn’t seem like it’s really about YOU at all, necessarily. I mean, I suppose I could concoct some strange situation in which those were the reasons…in fact, I shall…(hmm-hmm-hmmmm, do-do-doooo, concocting, concocting, and done!)

But yeah, it seems like it’s a little more specific than that. The question here is one that only he can answer — what does “meeting the parents” mean to him, and why is it unacceptable? What does he think will happen if you two meet each other’s parents? Might it be…

• BUSYBODIES: It sounds like his parents are “snoopy” in your words. Sounds like maybe he grew up with them always getting into his business and making it THEIR business. And he wants the two of you to remain HIS business. Possible.
• PROJECTILE RELATIONSHIP: He could be afraid that the “meet the parents” is a way to instantly rocket your relationship into some future version of it that he’s not yet ready for. Marriage, kids, matching recliner chairs, lemonade, etc.
• SECRETS: I’m not necessarily getting this vibe from what you’re saying, but one reason some folks don’t introduce their person around can be because they’re keeping something secret from someone, somehow. And if these groups meet face to face, it will blow the whole thing.
• SCI FI: Ok, I’m admitting right now it’s probably not this, but what if he is a time traveler, and in the future the two of you LIVE with his parents, but if the two of you meet the parents, then your future selves will meet your present selves, and…and…ok, it’s probably not this one.

BUT WHICH ONE IS IT?

Well, since he hasn’t given you much to go on, you’re not going to know until you ask him specifically. It seems pretty clear that because of some past situation, he sees “meeting the parents” as something to be avoided if there is ANY way of doing so. For you, not so much. So, what you need to do here is to figure out what the hell you’re both talking about.

DEFINING THINGS: A SEEMINGLY UNNECESSARY BUT TOTALLY NECESSARY STEP

This is the primary hurdle in getting to know anyone. It’s not the stuff you don’t understand about each other. The stuff that you think EVERYBODY understands about everybody else, but you really don’t.

What I mean is, you both use the phrase “meet the parents.” You both might use the same words in the same context, etc. It’s all the same. It’s not like you say, “I want you to meet my mom,” and he says, “But I don’t want to glorp your fleen!” cool as that may be.

But even though your vocabularies are the same, you mean entirely different things. Like, totally. For you, it’s a necessary, normal, dare I say fun step. (Oh, I dare.) For him, it’s something to dodge with all your dodging might.

OH, WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THAT ELEPHANT IN THIS ROOM!

What I think you want to do here is to acknowledge that you and he see this differently, right off the bat. As in, “You know, it seems pretty clear to me that meeting the parents is — or has been in the past — something negative for you. And since it’s not like that for me, I guess what I’d like would be for you to tell me what it’s really about. For me, it’s an important step because of XYZ. I know that you have your reasons as well, but I’d really like to understand what they are so we can come to some kind of middle ground on this.”

This way, you’re not “nagging” him — and thereby ignoring whatever real reasons he has for not wanting this. You’re saying, “Ok, we’re together. We have seemingly contradictory desires. Let’s figure out what they really ARE, so we can figure out if there’s maybe a way for everyone to get what they need.”

Good luck, Anna. I think if you can frame this as a moment of “definitions” and not a moment of “convincing” you’ll do much better.

Oh ladies! Ever had a super parentally reluctant fellow? How’d you get past it?