Do Men Actually Love?
Let’s start the week out with one that kind of caught me a little by surprise. And after almost a year and a half of doing this, the fact that that’s still possible to surprise me is surprising enough. Eh, then again, it wouldn’t surprise me if something REALLY surprising was…ok, let’s let it go.
A reader calling herself “Firecrackers” for reasons known only to her (though I can assure you that I’m creating weird and hilarious hypothetical explanations in my head right now just to entertain myself) wants to know — Do men love as deeply as women do? Let’s find out what she’s talking about, and then manslate this one into oblivion, shall we?
Dear Jeff,
I love this site! You’ve made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes. Thanks!!
My question is this: what do men actually feel when they say ‘I love you” (in the awesome and rare cases when they actually mean it, I mean . . . not in the cases when they’re just trying to calm you down, or get you into bed)? Do men actually LOVE, as deeply as women do? I guess this is along the same lines as the “do men ever get heartbroken?” question. This may sound like a dumb question, but it is an honest one — I have truly been wondering!
Thanks!
Dear Firecrackers,
First of all, I have to admit that I burst out laughing at your list of reasons why a man might tell you he loves you if he doesn’t mean it. Sadly, though, I wasn’t laughing because you were wrong — both of them do happen. At least I think they both do. (I know the first one happens because…er….a “friend” of mine did that one time. Nice guy, totally not a jerk or anything. I swear. Seriously. You’d all like him a lot. Sigh.)
Though I must comment that I think telling a woman you love her if your only intention is to sleep with her is not only a.) cruel, but b.) ineffective womanizing since he’s definitely NOT leaving himself a clear exit strategy. I’d guess that you won’t find too many experienced Players using the L word to get into your pants. I bet more than a few Romantics, however. Hell, some of those guys don’t even KNOW when they’re not in love.
SO, DO MEN LOVE?
Short answer? Same as the “do men get heartbroken like women do” question — Absolutely.
I am just about as crazy-in-love with my newly enwifened lady fair, it’s embarrassing. And I mean that literally. Our life together involves a huge amount of content so embarrassingly gooey and icky and lovey and/or dovey that we have basically sworn each other to near total secrecy about any of the specifics of our relationship. I’m a 100% equal partner in the kookiness.
Suffice it to say, yes, men do love. Or at least one of us does. I have to believe that there are more of us out there, though we don’t totally talk about it with each other too often.
Which begs the question:
WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT MEN ACTUALLY LOVE?
Well, again, same deal as the “do men get heartbroken” thing. because as a gender, we don’t totally talk about it all the time, or necessarily show it how you’d expect. I guess now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not all that stunned that you might not know that men actually do love.
See, here’s the thing. Many men (speaking very, very generally, as always) don’t seem to talk about their feelings as often as their counterparts (that’s women, if you’re keeping score at home) seem to. Any minds blown out there? No? Didn’t think so.
There are a couple of reasons for this, such as:
- NOT VERY MANLY, IS IT? Not even if you talk about your feelings in a deep voice. For whatever reason, it’s not considered especially virile to speak about your feelings, whether they be happy/sad/lovey, etc. Don’t know why this is, exactly. And of course, it hasn’t always been this way. Dudes in Shakespeare’s time used to compete with each other by way of writing love sonnets to their ladies. Can you imagine those guys being very popular nowadays? Especially dressed the way they did, with the ruffley collar dealie? Not likely. A man may have to learn to trust that, while in many situations lovey-doveyness is considered “hilarious,” when he’s with you, it’s not only “not going to be made fun of,” but “to be encouraged.”
- FEELINGS-TO-WORDS EXCHANGE RATE NOT SO FAVORABLE: Because we aren’t really trained to believe that talking about our feelings is manly, we’re not always that great at it. Think about trying to convert 729 centimeters into inches in your head. Exactly. It’s messy, it’s not very accurate, and oh what’s the point, forget it! Many men need some time to get used to this, and with a wide margin of error. Some men never are very psyched about expressing this stuff.
- DO WE KNOW WE REALLY MEAN IT? Related to the last one, if a dude isn’t 100% sure that his words and his feelings are sympatico, well, he might be a little reluctant to drop the L bomb. Why? Because like an A or H bomb, once you drop that L bomb, boy, that puppy stays dropped. Boy, does it. That’s one of those weapons-grade words you don’t want to fool with unless you’re sure.
- DIFF’RENT STROKES: This is another biggie — he might be expressing love in a way that doesn’t ring any bells with how YOU might express it. Think of a cat bringing you a dead mouse. I mean, that cat doesn’t know you don’t love dead mice. HE sure does, why wouldn’t you? And all he’s got to give you is a dead mouse. So you might have to learn what each man’s particular dead mouse is. Of course, feel free to use a metaphor that isn’t disgusting, if that helps you.
But as I say, all of that is just to explain why you might not see the kind of evidence of love that you’re looking for. The main answer again, Firecrackers, is yes, yes, and yes.
What’s your experience, miladies? Do men love? And how can you tell?
Posted: November 24th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Cyn
Time November 24, 2008 at 10:35 am
Jeff, thanks for this response as well. I’m afraid, though, that I must respectfully disagree based upon my own experiences. I don’t necessarily believe that men as a whole love as much as women do — or, even love at all. In fact, every guy I have dated who has said the “Love” word to me has wound up backing out a few weeks or months later (!)
So, to be honest…at this point I would actually rather NOT hear “I love you” from a man. Seems to be a jinx with me, anyway! I know that sounds horribly cynical, but you can’t argue with experiences.
I’m glad that you seem to be “in love” — hope it lasts, but most likely it will not.
Comment from Ms.X
Time November 24, 2008 at 11:24 am
The question … oh well, shocked me too Jeff ! Once I was dating this guy and left my purse at a restaurant, the way he ran before me to grab it … I just loved it ! To me, “caring” is love, actions show more love … than lovey-dovey words, which just could mean jargon ( sometimes though ! )
Cyn, Sorry you’ve met some jerks, but that’s not a reason to be this cynical, and thats not a way to attract a man who loves ! Beliefs are sometimes powerful ! So, replace your cynicism with positivity for a change, and see how it turns out !
Love lasts, when two people love each other, for each other … not when they love the “idea” of being in love, like well, a Romantic ! This is what is a little tough to figure out, but not certainly impossible, with all the great advice out here in manslations !
And I wasn’t happy to see you tell Jeff ( or anyone for that matter who’s in love ) that it wouldn’t last ! I bet it would, and all of us and I, heartly wish it would !
Comment from Liz C
Time November 24, 2008 at 11:39 am
I think you also had a good point that overall, people don’t really know what ‘love’ feels like. They think that amazing early-relationship infatuation-intoxication buzz is love. That’s just the set up. If you’re lucky, love grows from that.
But that buzz is what most of us think love is. And that’s the problem. The guys (and girls) think they’re in love because they have those amazing feelings. But when you’re punch drunk from that buzz, it’s almost impossible to tell what’s going on, really.
I don’t think women love more deeply, either. I think they may get higher from the buzz.
Comment from Katrin
Time November 24, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I think that dead mouse metaphor was dead on. Here here!
Comment from Sian
Time November 24, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Gee Cyn..that must be short for cynical. Your last comment about loves longevity was insensitive, to say the least. Love changes continually..its part of the journey of life..the ebb and flow of life. One thing I believe is that to be loved..and to feel love..one has to be able to give love..then it will return to you in kind. If you are only concerned about receiving it..it will elude you…
Comment from Ms.X
Time November 24, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I agree with you Sian, on the insensitivity of cyn’s comment, mainly the last line ! I was angry, shocked and thought it was very very insensitive, than cynical !
I mean, someone telling you … your love wont last either ! Helloooo ? Is she thinking, no one’s love ever lasted on earth ? I’ll never know ( and please, I dont want to know, if that’s what she thinks … okay ?)
And for every Cyn, who tells Jeff ( or anyone else for that matter ) that your love won’t last … I’m sure there’ll be atleast 10 women( hey I dont know how many else are there, ok ?) like me, Sian and lots of them who will tell Jeff ( and others ) it would ! 
If I was Jeff…I’d be very hurt and angry at the same time ! ( I know I’m not Jeff, but still, I feel so grateful for all his advice to women… why does he have to do all this for us, right ? Atleast, can’t you wish such a man happiness and love ? ) If Cyn can’t … then I’ve no words to say !
“One thing I believe is that to be loved..and to feel love..one has to be able to give love..then it will return to you in kind. ”
I partially agree with you on this Sian … all the women that loved these psychopaths are usually women who keep loving and giving till it hurts them like hell ! Not always will love bring love in kind ! I don’t think it’s as simple as gravity ! But also, your choice on who you choose to give that love, does ! But ofcourse, I agree that … if you are not capable of giving love, then oh well, forget it !
Love wont work if you choose it with just your heart ( ignoring your head) and with just your head ( ignoring your heart ) ! ( You could safely ignore any other organs, like your liver and pancreas in choosing love, hey, isnt that a relief ?)
It takes the right combo of both your head and heart to find your love … and that’s when I guess it lasts, and it should happen from two people ! Surely it’s painful as you have to keep dating some morons on the way, before you find the one … but is there any shortcut to get something precious ?
Keep your hopes Cyn ! Cynicism wont get us anywhere ! But hope and belief that you’ll reach there will get you going !
Last but not the least …Thank you Jeff, for being a great manslator ! Sorry, you got this kinda comment ! The cat, dead mouse, metaphor was funny, and interesting though ! I imagined tom and jerry to help ease the example ! 
( Thats what you said, didn’t you ? to imagine something that helps ! )
Comment from Laura
Time November 24, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I have to admit, I’ve been wanting to ask the same question! Call it the result of a series of bad dates, relationships etc…So anyway, thanks for a great answer.
Comment from GG
Time November 24, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I hear you… but how can women train their hearts not to be hurt my the man’s lack of emotional expression? I am having SUCH a hard time with this!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time November 25, 2008 at 12:33 am
Dear JM&LadyLiz,
Your Everlasting *Love* is blessed by manyHearts out here! Thus, Bfree to pay No mind/or heart to Cyndear who–let’s say– had a horrible week’s end.
Methinks the gender mason-dixon is simply Bcause weGirls *speak* more and more frequently of *Lovestuff* than do Uboys; it’s mathematical. Love=Love!
FYI, “Ms.X”: As a “Romantic”, I can assure U that as one-of-those, we DO love an *other* 4other’s self–just as those non-R’s do!
Also….Professor: Merci 4homework on “each man’s particular dead mouse”….too-too funnee, but hope Udon’t mean that men are bunny-boilers! Thx2 re-study guide of “weapons-grade words”! Hope U’re not staying up 2late cooking up delicious dishes 4us!
Nonethelss…..Bibs On; We Enjoy!
Comment from Ms.X
Time November 25, 2008 at 2:06 am
mmagnolia…sorry dear lady … I didnt mean to offend anyone !
I used the word ” romantic ” as used in Jeff’s post ( the case of a disappearing romantic). He’s so sweet and caring to give the link again here ! I used the word, in that sense … someone who just loves the idea of being in love … than love itself !
And not necessarily those who are effective in expressing love with words/flowers/poems etc !
And surely, normal romantics can still love after that whirlwind of emotions or the honeymoon phase stops…but not the extreme ‘romantics’ — who just make the whirlwind too intense, that itseems ‘too good to be true’ and once it’s done, they go whooosh ! I meant those kinda people ! Really !
And it’s so good to see us all raise our hands up for the newly wed !
Comment from mmagnolia
Time November 25, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Dearperson Ms.X,
Fret not a curl!
No realOffense taken by this Romanticperson who–BTW–refuses to recognize one even if wrapped in ruffles!
Evenmore, Merci Bouffant!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time November 25, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Dearperson *GG*,
Suggestion = Share your best Moment & Mettle to t-e-a-c-h Him how2express! Sometimes, the “lack” of expression can be reduced 2simple *suppression*.
First….decide if TheLove U want 2encourage is *Love* U want 2exemplify. That! marker defines the source+type of Love we have & offer.
Love is neither 4the faint, nor feint, but
IF enabled, EnjoySweet Lessons!
Comment from GracieB
Time December 1, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Re: the beloved Cat and gift of dead mouse.
I have been touched to discover the occasional dead mouse at my doorstep, but I have to say I would never set a cappuccino and a bottle of bath oil in front of my cat. “Here, kitty. These are a few of my favorite things!”
I think it’s an issue of the human capacity to truly pay attention to someone else. And I think women really love that.
If a man gives me something that he values, that’s lovely, but it is not neccessarily a gesture that shows he’s truly paying attention. And although I would not expect more from my cat, I would hope that kind of attention was possible from a man. “Here, honey. A delicous cappuccino to drink in your bath.” Yum. Delicious. Yes, please.
Better than an oil change or sink repair. Or catnip.
Comment from strawhat
Time March 6, 2009 at 3:06 pm
i am 68 i have had loves in my life, my first love loved me so much he beat the shit out of me till i left him,the second tried to hang my son, well he did till i found him unconscious with a rope burn around his neck,the third loved me so much he couldn’t help sharing it with every woman under the sun etc etc,
my last love a yr ago convinced me to move him in with him and from that point he did everything in his power to get me to leave(wants it, cant cope with it), we went through this twice in the space of a yr i am now living in limbo as i took the first unit i could find and hate it,gave up all my stuff because we had double etc
i still have faith silly me
tell me jeff how many men in a 100 are genuine decent people? i would say 1 and you have to be very lucky to find that needle in a hay stack
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 6, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Greetings 2U, Ms. strawhat:
Your “faith” m-u-s-t be a Goodthing! With that bonnet, t’is Your time o’ Year!
Be of Greatcheer…You’ve earned IT!
Comment from Watching_Snow
Time January 5, 2010 at 8:38 am
In a cliche sense, my heart has been broken a few times. It took me a while to see that there was attraction and chemistry and the feeling of love during those relationships. Although they didn’t last, I don’t feel as though I wasted my time.
..but that’s kind of going off topic…
I met a person who was unwilling to open himself to anybody. Through meaningless gossip and overcoming other people’s hate and distrust for the guy, I found that I trusted him because he never did anything to me. He showed, rather than told that he cared for me. He trusted me. When he told me that he loved me, his benevolent actions and laughter, showed how true and meaningful those words were to him. So, yes, I believe that there are some men who actually love… He has the same eyes that I do when I look at him, so perhaps, he and I love each other the same way?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 6, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Happy New Year, All!
Oh, yes…”some men [as do some women] actually love”.
Cheers to Ms. Watching_Snow for sharing perspectives on how ending relationships can be of good service, often by surprise.
Wow! BestBouquets for sharing about having faith in *Love*. Cheers to Your Mr.”same eyes” who is a gem of Your Faith. Yep, faith can be medicinal!
In all Your events, be Blessed w/Joy!
Comment from Sassy
Time November 24, 2008 at 8:00 am
Nice answer Jeff. I think you hit the nail on the head with the cat and mouse example. And I’d go back to the answer that you often give us ladies: look at the actions.
I’ve seen love in someone mowing your grass, putting away the clean dishes, listening to the adventures of the cat, bringing you juice and zinc when your nose was running like a faucet, picking up another box of tampons, etc.
It may not be the same love that soap operas or movies show us (i.e. beat us over the head), but it’s love just the same.