manslations

A reader named Del is feeling a little bit burnt. Why? Because she’s been burned so many times by unavailable men. But is her problem that married men are attracted to her? I don’t think that’s the group who’s honing in on her. I think it’s a little worse than that, actually. Let’s get the specifics.

Hello Jeff,

I recently came across your site and have visited everyday since.  There’s some really helpful information here that I can even use with my friends.  And, for myself…if I should ever meet that special someone.. But then again, if he’s so special..I will hopefully not need a manslation.  So why am I writing if I don’t have man? Well that’s a good question Jeff.

Thank you — though to be clear, you wrote it, so I guess you’d know.

The reason I’m writing is because my problem is that I keep meeting men that belong to someone else.

(gasp!) Did I read you right?

Yes you read me right..

(double gasp!) I thought I had!

.. other people’s husbands want to date me.  For some reason, I keep meeting men that are already taken/married or in some predictament that says there still somehow attached to their previous relationships.

My last boyfriend was married for several years…they separated because she cheated, and he and I met about a month later.

That, my friends, is pretty quick out of the gate — one month from ending a marriage is one thing — but when you ended it because you were cheated upon? Uh…I’m wondering if we’re going to hear a little bit about how over his ex he…wasn’t.

We fell in love and he revealed his secret about his marriage and 3 children almost 2 years into our relationship…

Wait, wait, hold on. You were with him 2 years before you knew he had 3 kids? That’s a long time, Del. Was there a lot of, “What do you mean? Who, these kids? Oh who knows whose they are? They come, they go, I don’t ask questions. Anyway, what should we eat?”

That hurt really bad, but I stayed with him believing when he said he was planning to divorce her.. Unfortunately that didn’t happen and I wasted 3 more years of my  life with.. He wasn’t the only person I met in that predicament, but he was the only person I decided to wait it out with.  The sad thing is that we lived together for about a year.. and I too have children who were effected by his decision to keep this part of his life from me.  I met his mother and no one said anything. (not to go on and on about that..just giving you an example)

Holy…!? Ok, hold on. This guy’s MOTHER was in on it? Or had he, you know, kept his previous marriage and kids a secret from her as well?!

Another was my relationship prior to that one..this guy had one girl pregnant with twins before we met — whom he lived with…and another one pregnant a couple of months after we met.. All came to
light about 11 months after meeting him.

Oh, I’ll just bet it did, if my high school training in biology serves as any guide.

And prior to that, at 18..(i’m now 34).. I met someone who lived with his partner for 10 years..they had 4 kids..he lied about 1 of them and never revealed that he was involved… I found out all of this about 10 months into the relationship.. This crazy guy actually said he would leave his wife and kids if I stayed with him…

So as you can see.. this has been going on for many years and what I would like to know is….why do men think I want someone else’s husband?  I would really just like my own husband.. Because of these experiences, I’ve found it hard to trust men and put the guys that are not married through this waiting period and end up loosing out… or maybe not…they’re probably married too..lol..

Yeah, I was gonna say — Not for nothin’, but I don’t think trusting too LITTLE is one of your problems, Del.

Well can you help me with this one Jeff?  Am I giving off some kind of vibe?  I don’t wear tons of make-up…I rarely wear short  dresses or any dresses for that matter, and have a pretty casual somewhat trendy style..So I don’t think it’s my clothing..

I agree, even though I don’t know how you dress.

I have a natural beauty and am very attractive…(I can send you a picture)

Wellll….I guess I can take your word for it, as long as you totally swear that you’re really very attractive. Though, again, this likely has little to do with it.

so I don’t need much make-up.. and I’m not over doing anything in my appearance, nor am I screaming desperately seeking ANYONE to love…. Is there something about my vibe, my aura that may be causing me to attract married men? what is it Jeff?  Tell me, tell me, but be gentle..:)

Thanks,
Del, AKA
Seeking my own Husband, not someone elses..

Dear Del,

Ok, let’s see if we can figure out what it is that might attract this kind of man to you. See, here’s the thing. Your issue is not that you’re attracting married men. The issue is that you are attracting…wait for it…

LIARS, CONMEN, AND OTHER VARIOUS DOUCHEBAGS

I mean, that’s the issue, right? You’ve got guys who are lying to you. And very specifically, they’re keeping BIG secrets from you, right? So, what traits might guys like this require in a woman? Here are some possibilities. It could be that you are:

• GULLIBLE: That’s possible, right? I don’t know if it’s true, but a guy who wants to lead a double life might do well to pick someone who just believes what they say. And if you don’t believe me, well, there’s some swamp land I think you might be interested in…on the Brooklyn Bridge…er, how does that old joke go? Anyway, you get the idea.
• NOT INQUISITIVE: Not that you have to be playing 20 questions every 7 minutes with a dude, but a lying, secretive dude might be looking for someone who he’s pretty sure isn’t going to ask too many questions.
• DOORMAT: Again, don’t know if this is true of you specifically, but a manipulator/liar might be drawn to someone who he can sort of “convince” to be either gullible or non-inquisitive, right? And if you DO find out his secret, they might believe (and at least one of those guys was correct) that they can convince you to be ok with it.
• FIXERS: Guys who have no business being ANYBODY’s guy often look for women who are into the whole fixer-upper thing. “Oh, he’s troubled. (Sigh.) Maybe I can help!” No. Never happens. Like, EVER.

The basic idea here is, you’ve been with conmen. Not married men. Conmen. And conmen focus on looking for a “mark.” Or “prey” if you will. And for whatever reason, they’re targeting YOU. What can you do?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS IN THIS CONTEXT

Almost all of the possible reasons for your predicament are about self-respect. And self-respect is about knowing what you want — AND knowing that it’s OK to want that, and that you should never stand for less.

The short answer to why these guys are targeting you, Del, is that they believe that you’ll stick around and accept their crap. And this quote from you above is what I mean:

“…That hurt really bad, but I stayed with him believing when he said he was planning to divorce her.. Unfortunately that didn’t happen and I wasted 3 more years of my  life…”

Not such a good plan, Del. And hey, we’ve all been there. I used to be the freaking Emperor of the Land of Staying In the Wrong Thing for Waaaaay Too Long. My empire was vast, and really, really lame. You don’t want to live in that empire, Del.

My advice here is to know this: If you are the kind of person who will allow herself to be taken advantage of, the douchebags will find you. I don’t know if they have a newsletter or a weird sense of smell or how they do it. But they WILL find you. If you are the kind of person who will NOT stand for that stuff…they just walk on by. A conman is not looking for a challenge. He’s looking for an easy mark. Do not be one.

Good luck, Dell!

Oh ladies! Ever been taken for a ride by one of these a-holes? How’d you stop them coming around?