I was in a situation similar to yours 20-24 mos. ago. Relationship was 4.5 yrs total, lots of ups and downs particularly the last year + was really rocky. In the following years we kept in touch sporadically, the “Hi how ya doing?” type thing. (I had moved away.)

Four years after our breakup I called to let him know I was living in another state and to catch up a little. He totally surprised me by telling me he wanted us to try again, would I move in with him? Turns out we were both very recently out of bad relationships. So bad they made “ours” look not so bad in comparison. I wasn’t about to just jump right in with him so we spent months reconnecting by email and phone.

In one of his emails he said he had always loved me, never stopped, and every time he lost me (meaning times we weren’t in touch I suppose) it was like losing a part of himself. Now, I still loved him, but in 4 years I had made the emotional transition from loving him as a partner to loving him as an old friend. Still, after a few months of reconnect I decided to go ahead and give a relationship with him another shot. Felt that I was going into it hoping for the best, but with my eyes wide open. Made plans to move to be with him at the end of the summer.

Four days before I was to leave we talked on phone, everything was fine – “I love you, can’t wait to see you.” TWELVE HOURS later I receive an email from him telling me he was sorry but he was calling it off. Talk about shock! He never responded to any futher emails or phone messages from me. To this day, 20 mos. later I have no idea what happened with or to him.

I’m sharing this odd tale with you because I think it is very healthy for you to be skeptical of how well it would work with your ex “the second time around”. And to question how sincere he is about wanting a life together. Could it be that he is romantizing your past relationship a bit because he hasn’t found another, satisifying one yet? Be as objective with yourself as possible as to how good your relationship really was, what you could realisticly expect it to be after a year apart.

If you are happy enough without your ex, you know you could just tell him No means No and start refusing all contact with him to stop him from drawing you back in. But,if you think you will always wonder if it could have worked out…maybe you are better off following your one friend’s advice about giving it another try. Cautiously optomistic, but with your eyes wide open.

In my case, hindsight being 20/20, I suspect a new relationship with my ex likely wouldn’t have been any better than what we had before. But you know, I don’t regret at all my willingness to try. Despite how it turned out.

All my best to you.
Selena

please return w/results [also,lisa--still there?], if results shareable.
humhum, have poodle w/similar pounding.

it’s ok if his want is for stuff bought from shelves [humhum...degrees and nubile bods are off the rack---meaning, anyone w/time, moola & zeal can have 'em---of course, exclude the babymaking.

yens and gotta-haves are ok; my little heart salivates for some babybrowns but my him being unbrown of eye is no dealbreaker.

that's one heart of it... ask what his dealmakers are, let him know yours [you've shared at least three, here].

maybe he realizes that off-the-shelf dreammaking equates to spending more time *shopping* than *smooching*.

simply sit-snuggle, walk through what both of you want in a loving partner 4now and—fast forward some decades–4later.

Rina…maybe honesty w/another is what best follows mmag’s honesty w/self.

swell, if he’s evolved but also swell if he’s wanting to be fickle. what can be unswell is his fickleness being your mismatch.

Two months later, he started dating someone else 15 yrs his junior (he is 46 I am 43), they broke up after six months, and 4 months after that, he was back knocking on my door. BTW, one of the reasons he gave me for his so called “grass is greener” syndrome is that he thought he wanted to have a family – i.e. kids ( I don’t – and we both have never been married before). Also, the “girl” he went out with had a Masters degree, he has a double Masters and a Doctorate as well. I am a “regular” university grad. – had me thinking that he thought I was not good enough. His previous ex before me for six years is a doctor. He also told me the reason he left was that he had an “idea” in his head about who he should be with, and that he found out it wasn’t what made him happy because even though he was with that other person, he would always be thinking of me. What keeps me from welcoming him with open arms is that since he has not realized his “dream” relationship, he is now just “settling” on me, or that once we are together, he will change his mind and realize he can’t give up his “dream” after all.

The reason I am posting now is as mmag said – be honest w/ thineself. I seem to have gotten over my anger and bitterness, and just want to be with him again. Am looking for someone else’s take on the situation. Most my friends are still angry at him for what he did, except for one who says – I won’t be able to move on coz I still love him, so might as well get back together again. I am happy now, with my close friends around me, and I can live w/o him in my life, but only if he’d just let me be.

To sarabella, tks for the tip ?

Two months later, he started dating someone else 15 yrs his junior (he is 46 I am 43), they broke up after six months, and 4 months after that, he was back knocking on my door. BTW, one of the reasons he gave me for his so called “grass is greener” syndrome is that he thought he wanted to have a family – i.e. kids ( I don’t – and we both have never been married before). Also, the “girl” he went out with had a Masters degree, he has a double Masters and a Doctorate as well. I am a “regular” university grad. – had me thinking that he thought I was not good enough. His previous ex before me for six years is a doctor. He also told me the reason he left was that he had an “idea” in his head about who he should be with, and that he found out it wasn’t what made him happy because even though he was with that other person, he would always be thinking of me. What keeps me from welcoming him with open arms is that since he has not realized his “dream” relationship, he is now just “settling” on me, or that once we are together, he will change his mind and realize he can’t give up his “dream” after all.

The reason I am posting now is as mmag said – be honest w/ thineself. I seem to have gotten over my anger and bitterness, and just want to be with him again. Am looking for someone else’s take on the situation. Most my friends are still angry at him for what he did, except for one who says – I won’t be able to move on coz I still love him, so might as well get back together again. I am happy now, with my close friends around me, and I can live w/o him in my life, but only if he’d just let me be.

mmag’s point on honesty w/self is good but what’s a girl to do beyond that is still mysterious. am *enjoying* similar saga but my guy is *mia* [imprisoned?].
the fact that you [eye, and similar others] have not moved on [whatever that means?] or reverted to our form from before The LOVE fell seems amazing, amusing and, if we let it be, instructive.

my best prescription is alternating tunes of *it had to be you*, *something’s gotta give*, and *don’t worry be happy*.

And maybe a picture of a new, hot guy on your desk would help too. ! Who cares if you actually know who it is…I’m just sayin’…!

All the Best!

LK