manslations

Sophia wants more. But she’s afraid that it’s coming across as nagging. How can she ask for what she wants, but not naggify the whole situation? No problem, Sophia. Got you covered.

My question seems a simple one, yet I’m struggling. How do I ask for what I need in my relationship without coming off as a nag? I like to be direct and clear, not holding anyone emotionally hostage..yet, things such as asking for more time together, more contact when he is away on business can and sometimes become
construed as nagging. He is usually very attentive with all these things, but it’s slacked off recently and I want it back. (damn it)How can a woman speak to a man clearly and honestly, with love in her heart, about a situation …without the guy freaking and chalking it up to just nagging him.

Dear Sophia,

Great one. There are a lot of misconceptions about nagging out there. A lot of women don’t know the difference between asking and nagging. Men too, I suppose. So let’s define it:

NAGGING: A DEFINITION

What IS nagging, anyway? How can we separate it from other kinds of requests. I’d go this way with it:

NAGGING: The act of asking a man, often repeatedly, to do something that he doesn’t want to do by way of complaints about the fact that he doesn’t want to do it.

As an example, “Why can you never pick up your socks!?”

Look, this might be a description of your in-the-moment reaction. But it won’t help you. Why?

1. You’re TELLING him that he doesn’t want to do it. You’re basically saying, “We want opposite results, and I want you to do MINE instead of YOURS.” Not smart negotiating. It would be like asking for a raise by saying, “Look, I know you NEVER want to give me more money, but I REALLY want it.” Not good.
2. Even if he does what you’re nagging him to do, it will only be to shut you up. Not bad if you don’t care how things go after, like, this second. But in a relationship, every moment is building the future. This ain’t how you want to do it.
3. Nagging is a mommy/son relationship. Boy, oh boy, do you not want THAT crap in your relationship. Forget for a moment how creepy it is to set up a mommy thing with the guy who gets to see you naked. It’s building the relationship in entirely the wrong direction. As I say, even if it works short term, it doesn’t help.

WHAT THEN, IF NOT NAGGING? NEGOTIATE.

The best way to negotiate for anything is to get both parties on the same side of the issue. Find common ground. Being naggy is not common ground. It’s saying, “Your ground sucks. Why can’t you ever be over here on MY ground?” So, what’s better?

• GO POSITIVE: You’re way better off starting with what you love about when he DOES do what you like, rather than, again, “How come you never…?”
• YOU AND HIM, NOT YOU VS. HIM: Don’t frame the problem as if you’re on two different sides of it. You’re not. You two theoretically want a great relationship, right? What you’re suggesting is something that’s, in your opinion, a way to get there. That’s nothing for him to resist, is it? Show him that side of the situation.
• WHY DO YOU WANT IT? I bet you think this is obvious. It’s not. Why do you even WANT more contact while he’s away, for example? He doesn’t know why you’d want that. Clearly he doesn’t, because he doesn’t see the need to do it. How can you explain to him why it would be better for both of you if he did what you want? Put another way, WHAT’S IN IT FOR HIM? This way, you’re not just giving him some chore to do. He might not have a good reason to do whatever it is that you want. Give him one.

Good luck, Sophia. The key in negotiating for what you want is, I think, getting everybody on the same team. If you can help him to understand why what YOU want is better for the TEAM, you get what you want.

What are your non-nag secrets, ladies?