What he Means When he Says You Deserve Better
It’s Friday, ladies. And this week, that means it’s time for a quickie. What does a man mean when he says that you deserve “better than” him? Oh, this one always cracks me up, folks. It really does. Let’s manslate it:
2nd time asker here…different problem same guy!
What does it mean when a guy tells you “You deserve better than me and it took me the time we spent together to realize that.”
Ohh and we are finally broken up for good this time…no going back but that line is driving me crazy!!!
Thanks
Dear Beth,
The manslation for, “You deserve better than me,” is always one of two things:
- I intend to treat you badly, and want to give myself some cover so I can say, “Hey, I told you months ago that you deserve better than me!”
- I want to break up with you with as little fuss as possible.
It’s usually #2. The first manslation is more commonly attached to the phrase, “I’m not a good boyfriend.” But this one can occasionally be used in that sense.
But no, mostly it’s about getting out the door. Use the Golden Rule on this one:
WHAT HE SAYS: You deserve better than me
WHAT HE DOES: Leaves you.
Which one of these do you trust? Right.
WHEN SOMEONE’S DUMPING YOU, HERE’S WHAT YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
Nothing.
Forget everything he’s telling you during the breakup. Most of that stuff is just lube to ease his slippity-slide out the door. How do I know that? Here’s how:
Nobody breaks up with someone because he isn’t good enough for you. That’s not a reason to break up with someone. You break up with someone because you want to leave. That’s the reason. THE reason.
IN SHORT: FORGET IT
This guy got in your head, Beth. Evict him. Stop dissecting what he said for meaning, because there IS none. Nothing useful to you anyway. He said what he needed to do to escape (i.e. “You’re so wonderful and I’m such a worm that we shouldn’t date anymore.” Uh-huh.) Focus on what he DID. The relationship ended. Take it and run. This combined with your last request says that he did you a big favor.
And the truth is that he’s right, in spite of himself. You do deserve better than him. So…er…don’t settle for this moron or his ilk.
What do you hear when a guy tells you you’re too good for him, ladies?
Posted: December 5th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from thrusdaynext
Time December 5, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Exactly. When a man says this, move on. I once dated a guy who used to say “Yeah. I can be a jerk sometimes”. And you know what? He was. Look at these statements as a blessing in disguise. They often reveal true character & future intentions.
Comment from Bloomsbury Bell
Time December 5, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Yes–my ex said I was the best thing that ever happened to him, then moved on to “too good for me” and, once, “I’m not a nice guy” (apropos of nothing in particular). After that, every time he acted like a jerk or got caught in a lie, he would troll it out: “Hey, I told you I wasn’t a nice guy.”
Here’s the thing about that exit line: he might not really mean that you’re too good for him, but that doesn’t mean you can’t think that you are.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time December 5, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Dear All,
Fabulous Friday…indeed!
Considered DearJM’s query– “What do you hear when a guy tells you you’re too good for him”.
My answer = Yes! SireeBobby.
Thus, 2nd Bouquet 2Ms.Bloomsbury Bell!
Yes: DearSirens, we should expect [and pray that!] there is….ONE exception!
Yippee….
Got Answer; Ready4Commencement!
Comment from elyse
Time December 6, 2008 at 2:28 pm
It amazes me how many times I’ll read someone’s question here – and think, ‘yeah, why is that?’ – the situation and explanation seem like they’d be complicated. Then Jeff’s response puts it so quickly and succinctly in perspective. So many times, it’s a matter of paying attention to actions, not words – yet why is it so tough to remember this may be at the core of the answer? In so many ways, we females are intelligent, capable, etc – so why is this area such a blindspot….?
Comment from Mar
Time December 8, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Yeah, I heard that one, too. Wish I hadn’t said “oh, how sweet” and just dumped his ass 12 years and 60 k ago.
Comment from LA Lady
Time December 9, 2008 at 2:16 am
I learned about this line the hard way. First time I heard it I assumed he was being humble and couldn’t possibly mean it. I was wrong…
Second time I heard it my response was “You are right! I AM to good for you! Good Bye!” and I walked away. His jaw hit the floor and I never heard from him again, which was fine by me.
Comment from swavia charles
Time October 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm
what does he mean when he says you are fabulous?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 17, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Dear Ms. “fabulous” swavia charles,
*His* [versus 'our'] meaning depends on how He relates to You! Prof. JM words apply: Look at His actions.
Fabulous [defined by You] *treatment* means that You are “fabulous” to Him!
It IS simple; treatment tells fewer tales.
Look the gift in the kisser. Feel free to kiss The Kisser!
Alleluia! If You want to be…
Enjoy being His Happy Winner!
Comment from alison
Time October 29, 2009 at 4:54 am
maybe this is true..maybe not
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 29, 2009 at 7:45 pm
DearDear Ms. Alison,
Yep…am liking Your notion!
Also am guessing that the “this” being true would depend on whether weWomen want to believe it and live happily ever after–possibly probably.
Absolutely definitely, Cheers & Bouquets!
Comment from pJ
Time September 25, 2010 at 3:10 am
this isnt true
iv used that reason because it is true, we are to self conscious about our selves to think we are any good, and we feel maybe a change is in order, since relationships are the most important, that is usually the first one we’ll f* up
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 25, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Dear ‘pj’,
…am unsure if your own ‘meaning’ is that ThePhrase is “true” or “isnt”. Truth is in there, somewhere!
Yes! If someone uses the Words because honestly believing himself or herself to be unworthy, self-unworthiness proves that the phrase is True!
Also! If the Phrase is used as a sneaky strategy2Dump, the strategy itself is proof that the words are True.
In anyway, the words ring with Truth, and Truth is sweetest policy–for recipients!
Comment from Velma B
Time November 17, 2010 at 7:39 pm
When a man says he is too good for me, I am thinking he has low-self esteem, and is telling me he does not match up. However, it is also an excuse to break the ties, because he may have realized he needs his freedom and is not ready to commit as he recently promised. The truth of the matter is, when a man is seeking a way out, it hurts to let go, but it is time to allow him to find his way. If a woman attempt to talk him out of his desire to be single again, she is only hurting herself and making things worst. Sooner or later, she will discover, “He’s right!” Men who are feeling as though they are missing something out there will come running back when the next woman is worst than the last. Be patient and wait for him to return and make sure your numbers are all changed, and you do not allow him back. Because he will repeat the same stupid trick with you again when he meet someone else pretty or fine. These are typical men that is unsure of their destiny, and live their lives day-by-day by testing every new woman cross his path, just searching for Mrs. Right, Perfect wasting his life. Later he discovers there is no such woman ever to be found. His problem is that he trust he will find a woman to allow him to abuse and use her more often than the current woman that he no longer can fool anymore. Let him go and pray for him because he is living a dangerous life. He is AIDs-Bound.
Comment from Joseph P
Time February 22, 2011 at 9:35 pm
That is not true. I want to thank you for making my girlfriend break up with me, and leaving her with the idea that I wanted to break up with her.
She is truly one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. She’s smart, she’s strong, she’s insightful…And I was none of those things. I told her that she deserved better because I felt she truly deserved better.
When we broke up, she told me about this site, and the “definition” of said statement.
You’re wrong beyond your wildest dreams.
Though some men are total assholes, there are a few of us that speak what we really feel, and you should really take that into account the next time you post your opinions on the Internet.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time February 23, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Dear ‘Joseph P’,
Is it Moi…or do U *sound* a teence grumped!
We wonder whether your GF relished being “one of the most amazing things” U’ve ever seen! If U related 2her likeThat, U might not have needed help 4her 2break up!
Dearie JP….Live2allow DearVelma B [and MineTruly] 2speak sweetness o’mind & heart!
On count o’3…Love, anyway!
Comment from Michele
Time March 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm
I beleive Joseph P is correct … Everyone is so quick to give defensive advice on this site. Suppose there is man out there who has been hurt.. Suppose he’s been told during a breakup That “He is no good” that “he is in capable of giving a woman what she needs an deserves from a partner” and being sensitive he believes this… I know such a man, he doesn’t really have a self esteem problem either… he is just afraid of letting someone else down.. he works long hours and has to travel a lot… he feels that since he can’t be around 24/7 (like most woman want) that he has nothing he can offer them at this point in time… Everything is relative people, you can’t judge every situation the same… Learn how to read the situation you are in on your own.. I believe someone earlier in the posts said it best… Judge Actions.. People online cannot give you advice… they are not in your situation, they don’t know
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 7, 2011 at 11:40 pm
Dear ‘Michele’,
..T’is late, but, got 5-cents: Yep, stuff and people can embody Relativity!
However: Females [no less than Males]differ in sentiment, perspective, action! Your Bud SIMPLY should share w/any sweethear what He can/cannot Be OR Do! Yes….it’s honest and simple!
Unless, U2 enjoy pityParties–then: Enjoy!
Seems that He+Thee are presuming 2know implications of what anyWoman *feels* and *wants*–without Her Reality
disturbing Your Relativity! Fair?
Nice o’Ya 2remind Buddy that He’s doing what Ureport as shabby [I agree!] when TheShabby is perpetrated by A Woman!
Please help bury our Double Standards!
Yep…this Ilk o’stuff is *dear*2me[!!] and to John Greenleaf Whittier who warned that the saddest words of tongue or pen are these– *it might have been*!
Losing a game trumps Throwing a game! Sadly, some of us revel in The Murk o’Life!
Help Your Buddy into The Grace o’Life. Be as clear2Him as You were/are 2Us here!
??How’s about speaking4self2Him, as Priscilla Mullin spoke unto *John Alden*!
In All Your GoodFriend Events, Godspeed!
Comment from Laura
Time March 22, 2011 at 2:22 pm
I live w/ my boyfriend, who says he loves me, but not in love the way I am, says we get along he likes me as a person sex is great we do everything together family, outdoor activities, he says he loves me and cares for my deeply yet there is something missing???? WTF?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 22, 2011 at 9:55 pm
DearLaura!
(Be still, Hearts, He seems Sweet2Keep!)
BUT…Let’s translate that “WTF” as *Whats-The-Feeling*, 4Ms. Laura!
[Hold off on lip-smackin', dearJoseph P-- unless Uthink Ms. Laura thinks Her BF deserves someone better...LaLaLa!]
BTW, dearLaura: Can U + Have U articulated 4U exactly what Your “in love the way I am” means….and, 2Him 4U!?
*Living with*, sooo, here’s a friendly wondering: Is Your naked third finger/left hand fueling Your Feeling [U didn't hug us w/Facts] that something is *a-miss* 4U!
If so: Tell BoyFriend what would polish Your pedestal prettily!
If BoyFriend plays dumb, ignores, then: HIS own “something missing” can = YOU!
BTW2, Ms. L:
We needed2presume what kinda Love gives U Glow. Is BoyFriend presuming also? Is IT an *I’m missing something and I won’t give up whatever it is*.
DearLaura,
hoist Heart and leave no sail unfurled!
Then: OrangeBlossoms2UBoth!
Comment from Huh?
Time April 26, 2011 at 9:07 pm
mmagnolia, I do not understand a word you are saying.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 27, 2011 at 7:58 pm
DearDear *Huh?*”—
Am on sabbatical, but 4U–am springing!
SayWhat! U fail2report WHICH “word” Umoan. [Giggle, Huh?---t'is a Tease!]
Surely, You jest/roustabout on Your not understanding “a word”!
I counted! There’s a mere 587 [nonAsian] words o’mmag in this episode!
Let kindness bind + abound Specifics! In between such, let’s agree that when ANY of US holds OR shares That Feeling of being *unworthy of being loved*, TWO prospects seem to bloom sweetest:
..Accept as True ’cause t’is True 4Both, and, WowWhoopee 4Loveliness! in That;
..Accept as True ’cause t’is A-Truth 4One!
Dear Huh?,
Condolences if You have been recipient of That Feeling—and, IF ever so: Talk *IT* out w/yourSelf; then, w/yourOther.
Honest+No kidding: Relationships are simplified when we let Love be The Clue.
Happy Interpretations o’ Love2U2!
Comment from LoverPedia
Time August 1, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Love is kind, love is patient, it does not lead someone on when they are not interested..>Great Post!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 5, 2011 at 9:33 pm
Dearie LoverPedia!
Sure…unless the “Love” is of-leading-on!
MerciBouquets 4joining St. Paul to challenge the poet who [paraphrasingly] warned us that:
If Life and Love is young, and truth on every tongue, we would waltz on clouds!
BeBlessed w/everyJoy of Tennessee!
Comment from Nathalie
Time October 29, 2011 at 10:50 pm
hi baby, first i want to tell you that i did not call or send you any thing before because i don’t know what to say,i am very shy because you are always better than me i really love you too much i don’t know if i say sorry maybe is not enough i did too much mistakes i am lost with out you i really miss you i know you will never trust me again and will never give another chance, you really deserve better than me you are soo good person i know i lost you and i really regretted what i did please don’t do any thing with your self you don’t deserve to think about me or because of you do something with your self because of me , i don’t know what to write really sorry , sorry sorry love love you i really love you , take care .
(This is the mail my boyfriend sent me because I found out that he’s sleeping with his colleague. He has done this many times with different ladies. We are in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. I threatened my boyfriend to kill myself cuz of what he did and for hurting me so much. Pls help me, what does my boyfriend mean about his letter? Do you think he still in love with me or with the new lady? Plssss help.. Thanks.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 30, 2011 at 10:49 pm
DearDear, Nathalie!
First…Listen to your Fella! Don’t even think of hurting yourSelf for ANY reason!
Second, which-is-really-FirstFirst…Listen to yourSELF! Sweetest question is NOT “Do you think he still in love with me or with the new lady”!
Your BestSweetness is to ask yourSelf whether YOU love him!
But: Your love for him may NOT cure His cheating–which simply is a betrayl when cheating is undercover…so2say!
Bestest of All: Cut the distance! Arrange Face2Face, noStrings conversation.
Yes, dearNath, your most delicious Thanksgiving this year should be His full Truth. Invite him2share. If he refuses, feast on that as if it’s a healthy Dessert!
Welcome any opportunity to “take care”by being Good…2U! Your strength on this issue can be HisGoodness, too!
Smile2Catch… Bouquets o’Blessings!
Comment from Nathalie
Time November 8, 2011 at 3:17 am
@ Mmagnolia: Thanks so much for your advice…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time November 8, 2011 at 10:08 pm
Well, Dear Ms. Nath….
…However it is that yourThings turned, yourYOU ‘reads’ as Good!
Take care at BeingBest2U!
Comment from MandyC
Time November 30, 2011 at 8:14 am
I’m not sure what to do..obviously we are done..I have been in a relationship for over two years wanting more..taking what he gives me..that is my fault..I see that. I should have demanded more. He knows I love him..has known it..so why didn’t he walk away a year ago when I said I love him..you don’t have friends with benefits relationships for over 2 years..we were friends for a year before that..and I never saw him in a romantic way..but one day he was what I wanted..this wild crazy impulse..I called him up for a strip poker match..it was the best night of our lives..the chemistry is that good..romance novel chills to your toes good..the good that didn’t really exist..and he is a friend too..he stopped being a friend that night..I wish I could go back and change that night..but would I..how could I live the rest of my life out without that experience..for the past two years I’ve had that experience every time we are together..I love him to pieces..I miss the friend I had..watching movies..listening to music..talking..I miss that person the most..a week ago I acceped a date and told him..afterall if he won’t date me someone will..and I wanted to see how much he cared..if any..It was by text message that I told him..another one of our problems..we have never had a fight..we never have important discussions that might turn to relationship face to face..when I tried you could see this putt up a wall expression come over his face..so I didn’t want to ruin our time together..I dropped it..he chooses not to answer me if I text him something important..that may have to do with feelings..I’m booty call to him..what he has turned me into..so back to I accept the date..I will see if he is jealous..the next day I ask for his help with something and his response is response is go get your date to help you with that..I’m real busy at work..Don’t have time to talk..I try to make contact and he never replies to anything I send. I cancel my date for that night..my heart isn’t In it..I tell him Ive canceled..no reply..I ask oh..are you still too busy to talk..he replies yep..and I say oh I cancel my date then you can reply..I get nothing back..for a whole week..we have gotten mad at eachother before and didn’t talk for 5 weeks one time and 9 weeks the next..The 5 weeks was the first time..I wouldn’t talk to him..the 9 weeks was him..now nothing again for a week. I send him a text yesterday morning saying I’m not going 9 weeks again..that its not fair for him to walk away with no word..and that I’m sick and tired of crying over someone that could just disappear over a date that I never went on and didn’t even want to go on..I deserve better than him to just disappear on me..I’m 31 he is 35. Two grown people..he replies..Go live your life..we can still be friends..but only friends..have your dates..have your fun..stop crying..I’m at work gotta go..I reply..let’s leave the dates part out of it..you can’t say one thing..we can be friends..then follow it up with jealously remarks on my date that I didn’t go on..it sends conflicting signals and I just want the truth..that’s all I ever wanted from you..if you don’t want me..that’s what I want to hear..he replies..I said I’m at work..I can’t talk..go on your dates..I reply no..stop with the date crap..do you not want me..that is what I want to hear..stop sending conflicting info..I need the whole truth from you..you have time to reply about dates so you have time to say the truth..he replies..this is me trying to be nice..Go live your life..go on your dates..have your fun..I reply back..I don’t need you to be nice to me..you say we can still be friends but you trying to be nice doesn’t imply that..I don’t need you to be nice..I need you to be honest..that’s all I need..he disappears..last night I sent him a goodbye message saying…
I’m so broken..I feel like I’ve lost everything..and what kills me is it doesn’t even seem to phase u..u could just erase me..wash ur hands and I never happened..u get so mad at me for being upset..but how could I not be upset..really how could I not be?..and u keep throwing go date and be happy in my face..a date I never went on..a date I never even wanted to go on..go be happy..im a long way from happy..I cant even breath right now..im a mess..if u wanted to be honest with me u could have thrown the truth in my face..that you never wanted to date me..but ur great in the sack..that is how you have treated me for a long time..a late night booty call..I thought that this time u would treat me differently..but if u wanted to..u would have!!..I never meant anything to u..u meant the world to me..It might be bearable if you felt just a little bit of the pain I feel..but u dont..u could just walk away and never look back..wash your hands..I never existed to u..you meant the world to me..Im completely broken..I dont need you to stay my friend for my benefit..so I guess this is goodbye instead of we are ok..ill say it for you..cause I know deep down you wont ever miss me enough..and you really don’t want me to invite you over in a few months for a movie and to hang out..you havent wanted to for the past two years..so why would you start now..and thats the only thing I wanted back..the only thing ive wanted back for over two years..what we used to have before I messed everything up over a stupid poker night..if I could back up time..I would erase the best night of my life..I would erase the best two years of my life..I won’t ever be the same without you in my life..those were your words once..you showed me you cared once..one time..and I treasured those words..but I really mean them as I say them..when I accepted that date..I wanted you to show me that you cared..that’s all I ever wanted..but you showed me once again how much you didn’t care..I don’t need anything mean or hateful back from you..silence is an answer too..and if your reply was hateful..trying to be or not..silence I can take..my heart is bleeding enough as it is..Ive lost everything and I won’t ever be the same without you..I won’t ever be the same..go on now..you can go wash your hands now!!….So I took control of what was left..he wouldn’t have tried to stay friends..and we can’t be just friends..not after what we shared..I want him to realize what he had in me..a best friend..a lover..everything..but he didn’t see it over the past two years when I didn’t demand anything from him..I never wanted to be that woman that had to push a man into anything..I wanted him to want it on his own..what’s done is done..he is gone..and he was the best two years of my life..and I’ve lost a huge chunk of my heart that I won’t ever be able to give to someone else..this is the guy that you never escape..he always has a piece of you..he will cross your mind 40 years from now..and you’ll probably shed a tear then too..wondering what could have been..can’t make him see what he had..oh well! Thats my story..wanted to share it.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time December 3, 2011 at 10:01 pm
Dear Ms. MandyC,
Yes, You “won’t ever be the same” without TheHim if He remains His old version. That is a GoodThing. Give silent (or, unsilenced) thanks2Him for That!
The future can embody You BeingBetter even with His absence. That can be a GoodThing; Thanks2Him for That, also!
The *Tomorrow* which arrives when You smile on Today’s bittersweetness can/will seem like a Bouquet of evergreens!
Happy EveryBlessing of EveryNewYear!
Comment from becca
Time January 5, 2012 at 4:54 pm
What does it mean when a guys says you could trust him 100%.& that he isnt playing you that he isnt a player & he cant play the game because every time he loses
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm
WellWell–Dear Ms. *becca*!
Be tickled 2give Him some goodCuriosity!
Ask4detail on His Bit about “every time he loses”! What’s His There.. that’s There?Background of such a Bit can add flavor. But, Beware! The Bit isn’t primary.
Primary=YourFeelings4Him, HisPresence!
Keep it simple because IT should BE!
If His routine is Truth, Believe Him!
Then…Tell Him He’s YourWinner!
In Any event, give Bouquets o’Joy2U!
Comment from Liz C
Time December 5, 2008 at 11:43 am
This Manslation alone will set millions of women free! Wish I had learned this 30 yrs ago.