Did She Scare Him Off?
Well, a reader named Ellen has kept herself off the market for a while. She finally broke down and went out with a guy, and he pulled a Fade on her. She’s wondering what she did wrong, if she scared him off.
I’m guessing she’s not quite as scary as she thinks she is, but let’s find out for sure.
hi…got a question for you…
I really don’t understand this..but maybe you can help since you`re a man.. I`m from Norway..:)
Ok, I am right now warming up my “man-to-Norwegian-woman” vocabulary. Gentlemen, start your umlauts…
Ì`m a single 33 year old mum, single in my 3rd year.. kept myself from men,since it doesnt seem like I`m so lucky with them..
Is it that way, or is it the other way around — you’re not so lucky with them because you keep yourself from them? Did I just blow your Scandinavian mind, Ellen? It’s ok, it happens.
I met a guy,that I knew who was,but didn’t really know..(on Facebook) but I live in a town where everybody knows everybody,so I knew who he is… I thought he looked like a nice guy,not the guys I usually met before I become mum..
It all sounds good, except that Ted Bundy looked like a nice guy as well. You can’t always judge a book by its nice cover. (Well, except for MY book, which you should all judge to be lovely by its nice cover. And then you should be purchasing it, like instantly if you ever hope to be happy with your existences. I mean it — it’s just that important. )
we chatted a little bit,then calls…he was really sweet and I was glad to met someone like him.. he is also a single dad,so had much in common.. We had good chemistry from the first meeting,which was in my place..( Never been a guy there,other the kids father) We talked and had a real good time..this happened for a week..But he didnt send me any texts the days we were apart,and I got little bit insecure,but he called me and said that it didnt mean that he didnt like me… so on sunday he came on a little hi-how are you-trip over to me,and kissed me and said he saw me tomorrow… I thought I should have sent him a good-night text,but didnt,since was coming next day.. I texted him the day after..and no answer,then I called..but he didnt pick up…
Hrm. Strange. If I understand this correctly, he did come over, but then AFTER that, he didn’t respond or pick up. Mm. Not a great sign, that. Let’s see what happened next.
I did the same thing today,and said in the text,that I deserved a little explanation..but nothing…what happened? Did I scare him off..?
Nah, that doesn’t really happen, Ellen. I’ll explain more in a sec.
I`m so sad,cause he is the first guy I liked in many years,and he made me think the feeling was mutal..we didnt have sex,but talked about it..He had also been single for 3 year,and was looking for something lasting.. but he also told me he had been a real player when he was younger.. and had been hurt by the ex,who he has kids with..
Right. Not always a great sign when the guy is listing for you all the reasons why he might not be such a great relationship-er.
he was so kind and good to me..told me,if it would come down to it,that he couldnn’t commit in a realationship, he`ll tell me so,and we would be friends..
Ah yes. The “can’t commit” excuse. That one…we sometimes say that one because we know you’ve read that we feel like that sometimes. As in, “It’s not YOU, it’s the whole COMMITMENT thing that’s the problem.” It’s a way to bail out without being the Bad Guy.
Is this the case,when you want to dump someone,but dont have the guts to do it face-face?
This might very well be that very case, yes.
or at least on a text on the phone? can someone be that cold? Didnt he want me,since I didnt seal the deal right a way?
Nah, I sincerely doubt that. You both talked about the sex as a possibility. No, I don’t think this is it.
Or didnt he want the same thing?
I think this is more likely the case. The two of you weren’t on the same wavelength, from what I’m reading. Doesn’t sound like there was an “event” that stopped this thing. He just wasn’t feeling it.
did he get scared since I`m serious,and sensitive when it comes to realationships,that maybe I was a little too keen?
I really don’t think so. Maybe he was sensing that you were into him, and he didn’t want to get in any deeper knowing that. But that doesn’t mean that there was something you could have done differently, or that you did something wrong.
a lot of questions runs through my mind now,cause I just dont understand…
Ellen…
Dear Ellen,
Well…you got dumped. That’s why this one really sucks. This isn’t great, no matter what. But here are a couple of things I see:
- YOU DIDN’T BLOW IT: I’m not seeing anything in his behavior that says that some THING happened. Unless you left out the part where he stopped calling you right after you showed him your collection of severed heads, you did fine. (And if you did that, kudos for being so trusting, but ah…maybe take up a different hobby.)
- THIS IS HOW IT GOES: Since you’ve kept yourself off the market for the most part, you may not know this, but this is how things go out there. You go out a few times because…why? Well, for the purpose of seeing if you’re feeling it, right? First couple of dates, you just might not know. That’s what they’re for.
- DON’T GO NUTS: The last thing you want to do is to go down the rabbit hole of “What could I have done differently?” Don’t go down that rabbit hole. And don’t go down any real rabbit holes, either. There’s nothing interesting down there but rabbit poo and used fur. The only thing you could have done differently was go out with a different guy. If you think you can “scare a guy off,” I promise, you don’t have the kind of power you think you do.
- DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU: Here’s the biggie. Keep getting out there, Ellen. And because you now know that this is just how it goes, maybe just alter your approach a little. Look at the first couple of dates as GATHERING INFO. You’re going in there not to get this man. You’re dating to find out WHAT you feel about this man. And to get a sense of what he feels about you. And if somebody backs off, you or him, well, that’s the information you learned.
Good luck, Ellen. I’m sorry it happened this way, but just remember — the vast majority of dates do not lead to relationships. So the more pressure you can take OFF of the date to be that One, the more fun you can have, and the better off you’ll be.
What say you, ladies? What happened here? Sound familiar at all? Hello?
Posted: December 16th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Ms.X
Time December 16, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Great write up, Jeff ! Hilarious too, I laughed so much, for the rabbit holes and well, the scaring off part !
Love this quote Kristen, “Never make someone a priority if they consider you an option” … Great, Awesome line !
Treating your dates seriously, and dreaming future together when the other didnt offer committment, are sure fire ways of ending up in bad, sucking relationships, if you happen to fall into it … instead of treating them like
just “Gathering info” as Jeff puts it ! Not that, you shouldn’t get attracted, ( if not, why are we there with someone? should never do this ! ) Once it ends, remember the fun you had, ( or if you didnt have, thank it’s over ! ) and say, NEXT !
Dating isnt a place to dream, how you both would get married someday, and live happily ever after….but a place to see if this is the person you’d want to live with, for the rest of your life, gathering as much info as you can … while enjoying yourself … and remember, if the other person doesnt feel it for you, it’s okay, thats their choice, nothing wrong about you ! Stop taking rejection personally !
There’s somethng called compatibility …all not people can get compatible with each other, no matter what fun you’ve … for eg, a man who gets violently angry in public, and is sweet at other times…wont be compatible with you or me … but could be good with a woman, who loves violent men ! for whatever masochistic reasons ! And may be, its same for him…may be he doesnt like your type of women … so whatcha gonna do ? act for the rest of your life, to not SCARE him ? No , No and Nooooo !
When you set out and treat your dates, by seeing and knowing if the man fits your life style, the qualities you’d want to see in a man, and see if this is who, could be a good husband to you, and a good father to your kids, as you’re a single mom … if you’re not, then for your future kids … then, I’d say you’ll either fall into a great relationship, or just stay single and happy ( instead of in a destructive one ! ) Sucks , when someone bails out … but dont give it more than a day to think about it, especially if it’s the dates backing out early on ! They’re not worth to ponder for so long !Buh-bye dude and say next !
Approach dating in this light-hearted way, and I’d bet you’ll love it ! 
Good Luck !
Comment from mmagnolia
Time December 16, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Dear Ellen,
Sad2Say, but methinks that Your Messr. KindandGood did a little *gaming* onU, but…also, on Himself!
Upside = He knows how a ‘hurt’ feels [e.g., fessed 2Being a "player" AND was hurt by the "ex"].
Downside [really, Your Dessert!] = He cheated His own integrity in plain sight [i.e., said He'd tellU if R'ship= NoSail; postscript is He dropped Ball [!His].
Now…why-oh-why?
T’is immaterial 4U 2sweat that fret. Maybe t’is just His version of Fridaynight Fun? Expensive 4U but A Gem, evenso!
His BadBehavior = Your get outta That kinda quicksand card! Yes, Ms. Ellen, our Comrades offer yummy advice; study!
Nonetheless + Evermore, keep Your Best Heart warmed for A Real Messr. K+G!
Comment from Mar
Time December 17, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Dear Ellen,
To your own self be true… I agree with you. He could have been more considerate. Not all guys are like that, but you don’t have to accept them that way. Some men actually want to get to know you. Find one that does. If I were to guess what happen, I’d say that he is avoiding you because something happen that he doesn’t want you to know about. What ever that is, let him keep it to himslef if he wants to. That’s his business, especially if he doesn’t want to share. But as long as someone keeps a secret from you, you can’t trust him, so move on. If he comes back and can’t give you a good reason, like being in the hospital or surviving a tsunnami without electricity, then tell him you’ve moved on. Remember, trust is the key.
Comment from J
Time December 18, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Dear Ellen,
This similar situation happened to me exactly 2 years ago. Quick synopsis – After being off the market for awhile, I met a great guy with whom I had sooo much in common. He lived kinda far away, but he said it was a MUST that we talk daily because he “had to hear my voice”. He’d leave me the sweetest, most romantic messages that made me feel so special to him, even though we were just getting to know each other. We talked and/or text for about a month before going on that first date. Afterwards, we both said we had alot of fun, he kissed me on the forehead and went home. It almost seemed like a friendly outing more than a date, but he insisted otherwise. We continued to talk for a couple more days, and then all of a sudden, he dropped off the face of the Earth! After leaving a few messages of concern (cuz he’d never disappeared before), I finally caught up with him – and his lame excuse of being sooo busy for not staying in touch. He said he’d call me that night to fill me in, but I knew he wouldn’t, and wasn’t waiting by the phone. (I never heard from him again)
Like you, I racked my brain (and other people’s) for weeks trying to figure it all out – if it was something I’d said or did, if he found someone else, why was he brought into my life at all, etc. before I realized it wasn’t all that important.
Everything happens for a reason, and until now I didn’t know what the reason for my incident was, I’d stopped wasting time caring a long time ago. Trust me, the quicker you forget him and stop trying to make sense of it, the quicker Mr. Right and Not Going Anywhere will appear. You never know what may have been going on in his life before or while pursuing you. Why spend more time trying to figure out what happened than the time you actually spent dealing with him in the first place? How about taking from the experience that you still “got it”? Just be more careful of who you choose to be worth your “it” and how long before they are worthy of your deeper feelings.
Comment from Kristen
Time December 16, 2008 at 10:39 am
I don’t necessarily agree with the idea that you cant scare someone off. I believe that you have been single for a long time, and trust me I know how scary it is the first time you start dating someone other than your children’s father. The comfort level you are used to from being with the same person for so long is absent, so you avoid everyone who feels uncomfortable to you. But with this guy you felt more of a “connection” because he is a nice guy and you two have so much in common, so I think maybe you wanted too much too fast. Even if it was unspoken pressure, that you got insecure so quickly when only a day went by and he failed to contact you is too much too quick. Relax…get your toes wet. I am sure you are a beautiful person. We single moms are amazing women! Don’t sell yourself short…you are a prize. Dating can be uncomfortable at first and Mr. right is not always an instant thing. This guy’s way of gaining space is clearly immature and inconsiderate, but next time have fun…keep it light and allow things to naturally progress without you losing yourself confidence.A great quote- “Never make someone a priority if they consider you an option”…men are options…your kids are priority…Good luck!