Is the Problem with Him or with Her?
What’s the most important thing to do first when things don’t work out? That’s right, get pop tarts. And the SECOND thing? Establish whose fault it was! And Erica’s wondering how to do it in her situation. Let’s figure it out.
2 years ago i had a child with a man who was just a friend.
Well, that was mighty friendly of you, wasn’t it?
After much turbulance we agreed to give things a shot but unfortunately they didn’t work out,down to his dishonesty mainly.
Yeah, that does tend to put a damper on a relationship, one of the relators being a, you know, lying liar.
We are still in contact and he provides for our child (after much debate).
Coming up this week on Near-Deadbeat Debate. Wow, he really WAS a prince, wasn’t he? How skilled a debater he must have been to come up with his reasoning.
No problem there then!
Yeah. Kinda.
the thing is i don’t understand why he choose not to settle down and make a proper go of things and instead has chosen an older woman with 3 teenage children. he parades their relationship in front of me and doesn’t seem bothered that he has hurt me in the slightest. I’m trying to be the ‘bigger’ person in all this but to be honest i just don’t get it. Does the problem lie with me or is it him?
Dear Erica,
Well, let’s take a look at his actions here and determine exactly what he’s telling us. This guy:
- Had sex with you, resulting in a child.
- Was dishonest enough with you that the relationship just didn’t have a chance.
- Reluctantly agreed to support the child. (The key word there is “reluctantly.”)
- “Parades” another relationship in front of you. Hopefully in a figurative sense, because if he actually hires a marching band for this, well, I don’t think that’s very nice.
SO, WHOSE FAULT IS IT, ANYWAY?
Here’s my verdict, Erica:
It’s all your fault.
Yes, that’s right. You read that right. You made this situation happen, Erica. Look at all the terrible, horrible things you did:
- Refused to be with a man who was being dishonest with you all the time. I mean, who do you think you ARE, anyway!
- Forced him to support his own child. Are you kidding me? How unfair can you BE, Erica!?
Well, if you’re going to do that stuff, how can you expect to keep a dishonest man who doesn’t want to support his own child, and who doesn’t mind hurting your feelings by “parading” his relationship in front of you?
Honestly, Erica, the problem with this relationship really IS you. If you had been willing to be treated a little more like crap, well gosh, this fellow might very well have stayed. But you just had to be difficult with your “standards” and your “not wanting to be lied to” and your “refusal to allow him to be a deadbeat,” didn’t you?
What’s my prescription for the future? Take two “find a better man” and call me in the morning. But don’t really call me in the morning. I like to sleep in.
What say ye, ladies? Whose fault here?
Posted: December 17th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Mar
Time December 17, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Dear Erica,
Thank your good sense that you and your child didn’t end up with this man. Bad matches can be damaging to your life, your finances and your childs well being. Perhaps he likes this woman because perhaps she allows him to walk all over her and perhaps she treats him like the child he wants to remain, but you shouldn’t bother with the reasons. Get your self full legal custody, for your childs sake, and get a better man.
Comment from Angie
Time December 17, 2008 at 2:53 pm
My ex-husband dumped me for another woman, and also paraded her in front of me. I couldn’t escape it because he would bring her to the kids’ events. The hurt from the rejection was unbearable (or so I thought at the time). I wondered for several years WHY he was with HER and not with ME, especially since I’m such a wonderful person, wife, and mother. 
After several years, it dawned on me that the question should be “Do I really want to be with him?” The truth was no I didn’t. He was not a person of good character, not reliable, trustworthy, loyal, understanding, loving, patient with the children, etc…all the qualities you’d want in a husband. I think the pain and rejection made me think that maybe I had to prove my worth to this man, when it should have been the other way around. I wonder if you’re suffering from the same? He’s proven to you that he’s not reliable, trustworthy, or at the very minimum someone who wants to provide for his child. So, I would say you are NOT the problem. He is. The only problem you have is that you’re thinking it’s you. Please give yourself more credit than that. You’re certainly worth more than this man’s giving you credit for.
Comment from Bloomsbury Bell
Time December 17, 2008 at 5:13 pm
He was just a friend to begin with. Doesn’t sound like either of you had any love or even strong affection for the other. You can’t build a relationship out of a child unless there are a few other blocks laying about, too. It’s not good for either adult and rarely any good for the kid. Just think of him as your sperm donor and move on.
I’m a “re-singled” mom who tried for five years to “make a proper go of things” after an unplanned pregnancy. A few months after the separation, my then four year-old said his main emotion was relief. No more arguing to listen to, no more seeing mom cry, and I am a lot more patient with his behavior and growing pains now that I no longer have to take care of/put up with the 40+ year old child.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time December 17, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Alleluia….,Dear Erica!
The *problem* is H-I-S, whether t’is curse or blessing….all Ways, H-I-S!
If he knows [?U told] that his *parades* hurt Your [Ranyone's!] feelings, there’s no lovingkindness there… N-O-N-E!
If he doesn’t know…reason 4same can’t be good 4 Him RU!
Chin up, kick heels; it’s AllGood onU!
Now: Be *sweetheart* 2U+Tot!
Comment from Catherine
Time December 18, 2008 at 12:24 pm
The problem is actually 50% you, because you let this happen.
Comment from Barbara
Time December 30, 2008 at 11:52 am
OMG thank you for your insight! It is my fault! After fighting off the holiday blues resulting from my “wasband” of 23 years leaving and divorcing me because he didn’t “love” me anymore, your response to Erica’s plight has struck a chord. If I had only kept my feelings to myself, if I had only chose to work in jobs and become educated in ways he felt appropriate, if only I had worshiped in a manner he deemed devoted enough, if only our children had not grown up and if only I had remained the young, needy girl I was when he married me; perhaps he would have been happy and stayed in “love” with me. I guess it truly is my fault. I changed, he hasn’t… so much the better for me!!
Thanks for the eye opener!! Pity party for one is now officially over!!
Comment from Janet
Time December 17, 2008 at 8:44 am
I think the guy just likes this older women and does not care much about her age, or amount of children, or how it looks to other people.
Erica, you have a great chance to find somebody who will like you and would not care about anything else.
Move on!