manslations

A reader named Rebecca just can’t quite figure it. She moved in with this guy, but he won’t commit to being her boyfriend. That’s right. They LIVE together, but he won’t call her his GF.  Oh, and she’s dated other men. Fine by him.

Just what in the holy mother eff is going on here? Well, let’s get acquainted with this situation. At that point, Manslations are go.

Hi Jeff,

I just recently came across your site, and thought this might be worth sending your way because I’m at my wits end. I started seeing this guy in February of 2007. I fell for him quickly. However, it seemed as if he wasn’t into making a commitment to me.

I’d never been on this end of the rope before, and even though the smart thing would have been to dump him, we continued to see each other. However, neither of us admitted it was a relationship. (We’re both in our mid to late 20′s, by the way.)

Yeah, not a great end of that rope, is it? When someone’s not into you, that end of the rope usually involves rope burn as you try to keep them from trotting off. Works like that with horses, I bet, too.

Both of our leases were up in August of that year, and we both wanted a nicer place- I suggested moving in together. After all, we were such good “friends”! (Yes, I’m throughly aware of how dumb of a suggestion this was.) He agreed, and we set up ground rules regarding sex that neither of us followed. We moved in together and became extremely domesticated.

Yes, as you seem to suggest, necessity of getting a nicer place is not recommended behavior, if you’re not sure if your partner is committed to you.

I’ve known folks who did that, and usually the one who was into the thing LESS didn’t end up any more committed than they were before. And the person who was into it MORE, well, they feel even lonelier.

Throughout this time we were technically “single.” He was the one that wanted it this way. I dated other people, never on a serious basis, and he dated no one else. I frequently got frustrated that he acted like my boyfriend but wouldn’t commit to being one, even though he claims he just acted like my good friend. I’ve been in “friends with benefits” situations before, and this clearly was not the case here.

Why do you say that it “clearly” wasn’t the case? As in, is it because it “felt” different to you? If that was the case for you, well, that’s not necessarily the case for him, right?

In November of 2007, we had yet another conversation about what the hell the deal was and he finally agreed that he was my boyfriend. (So romantic, right?) But the relationship from there was pretty great.

Well, after you dragged that admission out of him, how could it be less than pretty great?

In May of this year, we started talking about our living situation (whether to renew the lease, etc.) We had both talked about how we were interested in buying places rather than renting again. He suggested buying a place together, so I began to look into that and started the process.

Interesting step for him, actually. I mean, buying a place is something of a commitment, no? Hm. I wonder if he and his non-committal ass have thought this through?

He started getting distant sometime in July, when he began to throw himself into a new project at work.

And there he goes, thinking it through.

He was stressed all of the time. We argued a little more, but it hadn’t been going on for very long when all of sudden we had a conversation about our relationship and he decided he wanted to live on his own since he never had before, and break up. To me, it felt like he was displacing the stress of work onto our relationship.

Well, either that, or maybe you have it backwards, you know?

Skip ahead to September, and he moved out. It’s been a few months of hell since then, and it’s sort of a pseudo break-up. We’re back to square one- in a relationship but not defining it that way. I’m dating others, but he’s not. He claims he’s not bothered by this, but I don’t see how that’s possible. It throws
me through a loop because I believe the title of boyfriend/girlfriend, in this case, is important, as it’s indicative of what his intentions are.

Not to put too fine a point on this, but ah, another thing that is indicative of what his intentions are is, er…moving out.

I really love the guy and I know he loves me. He became a workaholic, though I believe he’s trying to rectify that. His stance now is that he wants to concentrate on his work and on himself, and doesn’t have enough to give to be a good boyfriend.

Mmmkay. Whenever a guy tells you he’s not able to be a “good boyfriend,” well, take that to the bank, Rebecca.

There is definitely progress being made, but it’s slow. He’s always moved quite slowly in this relationship, but, aside from the huge step backwards of breaking up, there always seems to be progress.

But that’s a pretty big step backwards, though, you have to admit.

After over 1 1/2 years of this, I’ve examined it into the ground, and my take is that he’s quite bottled up in all aspects of his life, so it’s hard to get straight answers out of him. He says one thing and does another.

Hm. Says one thing, does another. Hm. Seems like I’ve talked about that before on here someplace. Hm. Oh, this is going to drive me nuts…Oh yeah, that’s right — ignore what he SAYS.

His actions, most of the time, are very boyfriend-like. However, he won’t commit to being my boyfriend, even though that’s what I want. My question is, do you think he’s confused by all the stress in his life and should I wait around for him to sort his stuff out, or am I missing a bigger picture and does he really just not want to be in a relationship with me?

Thanks for your input!
Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

Well, I regret to inform you that this guy seems to be trying to be at least somewhat clear with you. You refer to his actions being boyfriend-like. But from what I’m hearing, his actions are:

• Moving in, but not minding when you saw other people. While he was living there.
• Finally, reluctantly, admitting that you were a couple.
• Suggesting buying a place together, but then becoming immersed in work to the point where he became distant.
• Breaking it off, moving out.

Now, I know I’m leaving out some of the times when he was all nice and boyfriendy. Of course I am. If those things were all that he did, well, you wouldn’t have needed ME to tell you what was going on. You’d just move on, right?

WHAT’S A BOYFRIEND LIKE?

Listen, I’m not sure what you see as “boyfriend” behavior, but let me ask you this. Looking at that list above, do you want your man, your boyfriend, your live-in person to be someone who has those things on his resume with you?

And I’m not talking about, like, a long time ago. His most current action was to move out. That’s not a good sign, Rebecca.

SO, WHAT TO DO?

Well, there’s plenty of reason for pessimism, but I can’t speak 100% definitively since you know more of the situation than I do. So here’s what I’d suggest, if you really want to give this thing a shot. And let me just tell you, I’m not wild about even giving him THIS chance, given how he’s been treating this relationship:

One last talk. One question. I’d recommend saying to him, “Listen, I don’t like chasing you. But I’m stuck on the idea that this is possible. And I need your help. If you really want to let me go, please tell me that, right now. I know it will hurt, but not as bad as chasing you with no chance of succeeding. If you are letting me go, please tell me in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you are.”

Now, I know I seem to be suggesting that you dare him to dump you once and for all.

I am.

The reason is that either he will or he won’t. It’s this middle ground that you seem to be in that’s the problem. I’d suggest that you need to hear him being very, very clear with you.

And then? Take him at his word. If he wants you to let him go, LET HIM. It’s all there is to do.  You do NOT want to be one of those women who argues with a man who tells her he’s not a good boyfriend. In that situation, HE’S CORRECT.

What do you see here, ladies? Afraid of commitment? Trying to break up?