When He Says He Hates The Phone
We’ve got one of these situations where I think our requester has all the information she needs, but is looking for different information. Kristi’s man told her outright that he hates talking on the phone. But if he really liked her, wouldn’t he call sometimes anyway?
Er…maybe. Let’s get specific, shall we?
I met a man online and had a terrific first date a couple of weeks ago. He prolonged our date by suggesting we do something after dinner and then told me he’d like to go out again. I emailed him the next day and kept it short and sweet, just thanking him and saying I had a great time and would like to do it again. Since then, we’ve been emailing back and forth. It never takes him more than 24 hours to respond to my emails and he’s referenced going out again but hasn’t officially asked me out. He had a work trip that lasted almost a week during the two weeks since our first date, so I understand that our schedules perhaps haven’t permitted seeing each other again yet. However, I’m getting frustrated that he never calls – he always emails. Before our first date, we talked on the phone at least twice. He said at one point that he hates to talk on the phone, but if he really likes me wouldn’t he do it now and then at least? And when is he going to stop talking about seeing me again and actually ask me
out?
Dear Kristi,
I wouldn’t worry about the lack of calls. You say that he said he hates talking on the phone, and then you ask if he “really liked you” wouldn’t he do it anyway?
Well, no. Why would he do that, if he hates it? Plus, he likely feels that if he already told you he hates the phone and you didn’t tell him, “But I WANT you to call,” then he’s in the clear. He likely has no idea that you even wish he was calling, seriously.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But of COURSE he’d know that I’d want him to call. It’s obvious!” No. Not even close. He told you how he felt about it, and as far as I know, you didn’t tell him you weren’t cool with it. He thinks all is well. He doesn’t know you want him to call. You’re going to have to let him know, or he won’t know. You know?
NO MEET UP FOR WEEKS? NOT NECESSARILY BAD
On the “no date after a couple weeks” thing, I wouldn’t worry too much about that yet either. I mean, you said it — he did have a trip right in the middle there. The “I’ve been really busy” excuse is only BS when he actually is NOT busy. If he’s out of town? Give him a chance, you know?
WHAT NEXT? POKE AWAY!
If I were you, I’d put into an email a gentle prod. Just put out the bait. “So, when are we getting together again?” is probably enough. It’s not putting yourself too far out there — you’re just mentioning what’s already been said. If and when he takes the bait, suggest that he call you to figure out when. This way, it’s win-win. Date AND call, right?
And again, you might have to let him know that while you know he’s not wild about the phone, well, a gal likes a phone call now and again. Do it playfully and you’ll get what you’re after. Something along the lines of, “I know you don’t love the phone, but I have to tell you — I really like hearing your voice sometimes.” If he senses that it will be a good thing for HIM to call, well, most guys know how to pick up on that hint.
Good luck, Kristi!
What’s Kristi’s next move, ladies?
Posted: December 19th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from T
Time December 19, 2008 at 11:45 am
I love how you remind us girls that men don’ t always know what we think they should know. I guess we tend to forget that they can’t read our minds…
Comment from Liz C
Time December 19, 2008 at 12:04 pm
You’d think guys would eventually figure it out and get hot on that mindreading thing. It would make my life so much easier!!
Comment from moody.bitch
Time December 19, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I don’t know if I buy this “hates talking on the phone” business. After all, he managed to survive it for at least *two* calls (presumably in order to score that “first date”).
I’d be curious to know what he does for a living. Does he *never* have to use the phone for work?
If I knew that phone calls were important to me, and a new guy told me upfront he hated talking on the phone, I’d not let that comment go without exploring it a little more to find out exactly where he’s coming from. Because, like it or not, there are many men who avoid using the phone as a way to “manage down” the expectations of women they’re dating.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time December 20, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Dear Kristi!
Gratias2Ms. *moody* re-That “avoid” of stuff which is veddy unhealthy Anywise!
An Absolute = Slice & Dice those cloudy comments [His + !Yours].
BTW: how’s about next{?] time sending a *welcome back, sweetPea* e-lovenote…
On Your “is he going to…actually ask”:
2 avenues 4answer = U actually ask Him or Heaven2Kristi, actually ask Him2askU!
Pick YourPetunia; Cheers 2CozyClosure!
Comment from Tina T
Time December 20, 2008 at 6:48 pm
You’ve totally let him run the show. Ask him when You’re going to see him again, and if he can’t come up with a specific time, then forget him.
Comment from Ms.X
Time December 20, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Even I cant buy the “I’m not a phone person” excuse ! I somehow cant buy it ! It always was odd to me, hearing it from a friend of mine, who got this excuse from her date ! Turned out, he had several female “friends” with whom he would talk on phone for hours, and didn’t have time for his gf !
I’m not hinting, all men who use this excuse are essentially emotional cheaters, but somehow the excuse itself sounds odd to me ! I personally think, a person who likes the other enough, wants to spend time talking, using any medium or technology, if they can’t meet every other day ! I personally think this gut feeling comes naturally, no matter, if its a guy or a girl !
But yes, agree on the part, where you should “let the guy know”, that you would love to talk to him over phone, and, just give it one chance !
Comment from Sassy
Time December 21, 2008 at 8:15 am
While i agree that this young lady should tell him to step up, phone and make a date, I will say that there are nice guys who are not phone callers.
My lovely boyfriend is a not a phone talker. Sure, when we started dating he called and emailed a lot to keep in touch and keep my interest. Now, after 10+ months, I know he used the phone for more “business” with me. When he’s coming to pick me up, what we’re going to do, etc.
Granted, we see each other almost every day and he is glad to be my boyfriend, meet my family and friends, etc. So the phone stuff is small potatoes.
Good luck!
Comment from The Seductress Within
Time December 21, 2008 at 2:47 pm
#1…Don’t prod him with the “when are we getting together again?” question. Big mistake. If a man is interested, he will be asking you out. He may feel only lukewarm about you, be dating other women, figuring out if he even wants to see you again. Don’t turn into the pursuer!
#2…men who keep communication to texting and emailing (esp. in the beginning) do so ON PURPOSE for the reasons I gave in #1. It’s impersonal, sets a very casual tone, gives a “arms length” feel.
When a man is really into a woman he’ll call her. Because he wants the communication more personal. It may take some serial emailers longer to get to that point though.
I’d not contact him again. Set your sights elsewhere, if HE asks you out again and you want to, go for it.
Comment from Melissa
Time December 31, 2008 at 8:07 pm
I’m TOTALLY in agreement with Seductress Within….men are NOT stupid, but can tend be on the lazy side when they’re lukewarm about a woman…when they’re interested, they know just what to do to keep her around. It’s high time for women to stop coddling them. Don’t go out of your way to be difficult, no, just don’t tolerate the BS and make excuses for them.
And….not only would I NOT ‘remind’ him that he suggested another date, in addition to that I wouldn’t be real quick on the draw to return his text messages, either. Let him wonder what happened…who knows, maybe it will pique his curiousity enough to generate a phone call from him. Then you can tell him that you get tired of texting and need a break from time to time….let’s see how he deals with the shoe being on the other foot.
My bad? 
Comment from TJo
Time December 19, 2008 at 8:38 am
Once you’ve made it clear to him that you’d be interested in a 2nd date, if he doesn’t come through forget about him. People make time for the things they want to make time for. Good Luck