When He “Checks In” after a Booty Embargo
We’ve got a really quick one today, but it’s a common enough question that I think it deserves a real answer. What happens when you turn off the booty faucet (oh there’s a faucet, people) and he comes sniffing around a little while later?
I’m sure none of this has ever happened to, you know, YOU, right?
Let’s get Tam’s specific situation, and manslate this once and for all, shall we?
Hi Jeff. I think your web site is great. I have a question. A guy I was seeing started treating me like a “booty call”, so I dumped him. I told him that I thought he was a fun guy and that I didn’t regret the time we had spent together, but I think that we needed to do the right thing and move on.
Good for you. I mean, nothing wrong with a booty call if everybody’s on board. But hey, if that’s not what you want, great of you to be 100% straight with him about the thing. Makes it easy on everybody, methinks.
I didn’t hear from him for a while. About a month or so ago, he started leaving these short little messages through my I.M. service. Nothing serious, things like, “I see you are up, you need to get to bed” and “get some rest”. Things like that. He has called once or twice, but it was about business advice. What gives?
Dear Tam,
Ok, this one happens quite a bit. And if I had to make a quick guess, I’d say that your booty call pal is testing the waters for some more booty. That’s just a guess.
Obviously, he didn’t fight too hard on the “no more booty calls” verdict at the time, so he clearly had no major argument with your diagnosis of the situation. You thought it had been a bootylationship, and so it was.
DOG: SO…DO YOU REALLY NOT WANT ME ON THE COUCH?
When you’re training a dog on the finer points of how to live in your home, he will likely not learn things on the first try. When I was a kid, our dog was not allowed to be on the couch. And he’d get a very stern reminder of that fact if he got ON the couch. So he stopped immediately, right?
Er…no. Why? Well, he liked the couch. Who didn’t? It was a sectional, comfy as all get out, who doesn’t want to snuggle in on that bad boy. So every once in a while, he’d sort of sniff around, and sidle his way over to the couch, and then — really casually (in his little mind, anyway) — he’d sort of slink his way up onto the couch.
And then he’d get reminded once again, that no, the couch was for two-leggers only. Eventually he learned. Men do too.
THE LESSON HERE? HE DIGS YOUR COUCH.
That’s it, Tam. He was rather enjoying the booty he was getting. You obviously didn’t HATE him, and so he was sniffing around to see if your stand against the booty was as firm as it had been when you dumped him.
Good luck, Tam. And don’t get caught thinking, “Hm. Maybe he really likes me now.” If he does, he’ll show you that. Right now, all he’s showing you is a pronounced liking of your couch. So to speak.
Ever get the “check in” ladies? What’s your take on it?
Posted: December 22nd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Katrin
Time December 22, 2008 at 10:39 am
I get the check-in constantly. Too often I fall for it and think he likes me…nope. He wants my cooc..I mean couch.
Comment from Denise
Time December 22, 2008 at 11:53 am
I fell for it also. This one tried to soften me up with how he now had “deep feelings” for me that he wanted to explore. Turns out, he only wanted to explore them on my couch. He fussed every time I suggested actually doing something–he’s tired and wants to stay in, he’d rather watch a movie at home, he doesn’t know what’s going for that day. When I pressed him, he even told me he’s through with “courting.” why do we fall for it?
Comment from The Seductress Within
Time December 22, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Of course he just wants more booty!
But if you really want to find out if he wants more than that, see him but DON’T have sex. For a good while.
See how long he sticks around.
Comment from Kat Wilder
Time December 23, 2008 at 1:00 am
moody.bitch asks some good questions — how to separate the “booty callers” from the “I want to get to know you better” guys. The occasional check-ins could be from someone who is shy about coming straight out and asking for a date. Or, he might see her as a friend. Or just booty.
I’m a big believer is being upfront and direct (in a nice way). But before that happens, Tam needs to understand what she really wants from him, anyway. Friendship? A relationship? Or, if the calls bug her, should she just tell him to go away?
The next time he calls, why not ask him what’s going on, and lay it out for him: “Bob, I enjoy our time together but I’m not sure what you’re looking for.” And then listen carefully to what he says … and then watch what he does. Eventually, the truth will be revealed. Good luck!
Comment from Smokey
Time January 10, 2009 at 10:45 am
Kat is right. We need to be more protective and know what we want before we begin this cycle of passion and pain.
Comment from Selena
Time January 11, 2009 at 10:42 pm
I like the idea of asking him straight out, “What’s up?” if calls.
Rather puts him on the spot if all he wants is a booty call. If he wants more than that? Gives him an opportunity to say so.
And if the sniffing around is annoying, simply don’t answer/respond to any calls or messages. Easy.
Comment from strawhat
Time May 7, 2009 at 5:57 pm
what is it with men they will hang around just for sex? (i hate the word booty,lets call a spade a spade)
it’s so unfair to all involved because it’s a bloody great time waster and has no emotion attached to it,i’d rather watch a good documentary or andre rieu then have someone come over just for sex what a put down,i’m just here to use you girl put that in your pipe and smoke it, great
Comment from moody.bitch
Time December 22, 2008 at 10:11 am
Hmmm, I dunno. I mean, the odds probably ARE in favor of him just sniffing around, but until he actually puts a paw up on the couch and tries to climb up on it, we don’t really know what’s going in his furry little head.
I’ve had guys put up a fight when I declared that they were treating me like just a booty call, but the amount of fight they put up didn’t mean that there was more to the relationship after all than I thought. It just meant they didn’t want to lose the booty! Some men will say whatever they think a woman wants to hear just to keep the booty comin’, so you can’t even rely on a protest as proof of anything either. Sigh.
So, how do we separate the men who only miss the booty from those who might actually miss the other stuff that went along with the booty? What kinds of things is this guy likely to do to show Tam that he really likes her as opposed to just wanting to slink back up on her couch again?