manslations

We’ve talked about men being intimidated by strong women before, but here’s a case when…well, it might just be true. Or he might just be bailing out on her. I’ll give her an easy way to tell the difference.

Nichole has got it together, and her (younger) boyfriend says he doesn’t think that HE does. Is he just scared of her now? Will he be pooping his pants every time she calls? Developing a nervous twitch when looking at the locket that he wears with their picture in it? (Hey, you don’t know.)

Let’s see what she’s dealing with.

I met a guy and we are both attracted to one another. As we got to know each other we both found out I was a lot older than him.

Like…Benjamin Button older? I mean, you can’t be TOO much older (or wouldn’t it have been obvious when he ordered a burger and you ordered, I don’t know, creamed spinach and Ensure?)

No problem. The he started telling me how smart, pretty,and how I have it all together.

That bastard.

He now seems afraid of me of intimidated. I do consider myself smart and I am nice eye candy but by no means do I act like I know everything and brag about money or materialistic things. I really like him and he just keeps saying what a loser he is.

Ah, ok, this is starting to make more sense now.

He also told me I was much more than just”a back seat” I think you know what I am getting at.

Well…I think I do. And I think I now understand the age difference. How young must one be to even be considering the “back seat” as an option?

So… Is he scared of me? I am so easy going.He needs to give me a chance. But I am not one to chase so I am putting on the breaks.After all he knows my number!

Dear Nichole,

Well, here’s the potentially good news. He might actually be scared of you.

Err…manslata-what?

Yep, that’s mayb e the good news here. Cuz the other possibility would be bad news. Lemme ‘splain.

“I’M SUCH A LOSER AND YOU’RE SO GREAT”, MANSLATED

It seems to me that there are ways in which a man would use these words. And the only way to tell which is which would be — you guessed it — his actions. A man might say that stuff because:

1. …he really feels this way: It’s not even that he’s scared of you, per se. What he’s scared of is the idea that you are SO much more together than he is, how could you possibly want HIM? That’s what this fear is. Most men (and women, I suspect) like to feel like they are important to their person. And if he’s already a little insecure, and you seem like a total badass? Well, he’s going to feel really uncomfy about the whole, “What do I bring to the table? I’m not the Little Drummer Boy here, what can I offer?“
2. …he is, how do you say, fudging the truth?: Why would a man say this if he didn’t mean it? To bail out in a way that you find acceptable. This is a version of the old, “No, you’re too good for me, you deserve someone better.” This would be your “spoonful of sugar” to help the “being dumped” go down.

So, he’s either telling the truth, or he’s, er, not. Great. So helpful, Jeff Mac. Thanks.

No, no, hold on. Keep reading:

AN EASY METHOD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE

See?

Ok, here’s what I suggest. I hear you that you don’t want to “chase” him, and that’s cool. And I’d also not recommend trying to trick him into chasing you. This isn’t an episode of Benny Hill, or any other TV show from about 40 years ago. This is real life. Uh…right? Yes? Ok, great.

I’m getting the sense from you that he’s not calling, yes? Now, based on the above example, he’s either afraid to call because he thinks you don’t like him…or he just doesn’t want to call. If it’s the second one, don’t worry about it. Absolutely zero you can do to change that, so let’s focus on the afraid guy.

BAIT FOR THE INSECURE GUY

The good thing about insecure guys is that they are looking for precisely what  a Fader does NOT want. As in, they want to know that you are serious about them. They are looking for the green light. So, here’s what I’d do:

1. Shoot him a quick email: Along the lines of, “Hey, I was just thinking about you.” Come up with some non-excuse excuse. “Oh, I saw a commercial for that movie we talked about, blah blah blah…” Whatever it is. You know how to do this — just open the door a little, and let him know you’re still there. I think email is an easy, non-threatening way to do this. And then…
2. Watch his response: See, if he was brushing you off, this email will NOT make him happy. He’ll likely give you a VERY noncommittal response. He’ll be afraid you’re getting clingy, and he’ll pull back even further. If he’s just insecure, he’ll likely joke back a little. Then you can keep up the conversation, and you’re off to the races.

Good luck, Nichole. The key here is to ferret out — by his BEHAVIOR — whether or not he really feels insecure around you…or if he’s just telling you that to get out the door. The little email is a good way to tease out a little behavior to observe.

What’s your take, ladies? Is this guy really afraid of her? How can she tell?