Love or Just Lonely?
She’s moved to a new town, but right before she left she kinda-sorta fell for a guy back home. Aw, crap. Hate it when that happens. And now, she’s trying to figure out if there’s something there, or are they just lonely? Let’s manslate this bad mammajamma, shall we? Can I still say “bad mammajamma” or is there a 3 decade statute of limitations on that one?
Well I will try to make it short. Hooked up and hung out with this guy I knew. We tried to keep it casual and just a fling becuase I was moving very far in a few months, but we ended up developing feelings for each other. We both agreed that we didnt want to get serious, but also had a really great time with each other so there was no point in ending something so fun just because I was moving.
All sounds hunky dory to me, right?
Well…I really really miss him now.
Ah, crap.
I wish more then anything that I just stayed away from him, focused on my move and my friends, and not let myself get too involved with feelings, but it was just too much fun to simply cut off. Since i moved we have talked about how we really like each other and the option of just stopping at the time and both agree it would have been very difficult.
Yeah, that never really works out, does it? How often have you ever thought, “You know, I shouldn’t let myself fall in love right now. Aaaand, there we go. I am NOT in love. Woohoo!” Things have a funny way of, how do you say, “Not giving a crap about your plans,” right?
It seems since I left he has realized that he really does care about me….he has said that he wishes i was just on vacation to figure this out. Both when we were home and recently he will tell me he thinks hes in love with me when hes drunk blah blah.
Hm. In vino veritas, I suppose, but…hm.
All taken with a grain of salt, but definitely something I have thought about. Anyway, we had a great 3-4 months and I moved away but we kept in touch…almost daily. He would text me all the time telling me he really cared about me and how much he missed me….but then again he made it very clear when I was home that although he had feelings for me he was not looking for a relationship….
Ah. “Not looking for a relationship,” can often a euphemism for, “looking for sex that doesn’t come with strings attached.” I mean, unless he’s got a thing for string.
not to mention he is somewhat of a male slut…
And there we go.
but seems to be getting his life together lately…so i have tried to just brush it all off. as time goes on naturally the contact becomes less, you can only tell a person that lives so far away that you miss them so much….but nonetheless they still happen. Now I am here….alone…..and really missing him. I had so so much fun with him and think we could make a good team, but am being realistic with the fact that I am young and living in a new place. I have an open mind and am ready to experience whatever comes my way, but I just cant wonder if I am in love with him/ he with me and its just really bad timing or if it was really just a fling and i need to get it out of my head! You guys think you are so simple…but you aren’t!!
Dear love-or-lonely,
I know, it seems like this is a really complex situation. And of course, it is. And as “The Dude” would say, “This is a…uh…a complicated case, uh, man. You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs…lotta what have yous…” But it really boils down to one thing, and one thing only:
What do YOU want?
From where I’m sitting, that’s what seems unclear to me. Sounds to me like you’re not sure if you want to be with him. You live far away, you’re in a new place, you know how hard a long distance relationship might be, all of it. It sounds to me like you’re conflicted about what you want from him.
Do you want to move on? Do you want to try an LDR? Do you want to move back home and just have an RDR (regular distance relationship)? What’s happening for YOU?
BUT DON’T GET IT MIXED UP
Don’t assign this confusion to him just yet. He might or might not be confused about this. We don’t know. But don’t assume that because you’re conflicted, then he must be too.
But what do you do, then? You’re living in a new town, but you’re still semi, maybe, sorta-kinda attached to this guy back home who:
- says he misses, you, but…
- is a manslut…presumably with, er, not you.
- says he has feelings, but…
- doesn’t want a relationship.
Too many conflicting things there to go by his words. You need ACTION to read him right. How to get it?
VERDICT-WALK AWAY…FOR NOW
I’m not the guy who tells you to “let him chase you” so that’s not what I’m saying. That kind of thing doesn’t “convince” a guy to be with you, unless he thinks of you as prey. I’m not saying that you have to be mean to him, or even address this directly at all. Just don’t initiate contact for a while, and see what happens. This has a couple of benefits:
- You get to live your life: As you say, you’re young, you’re in a new place. Commit to that for now.
- It will reveal the truth: About you and about him. If you absolutely refuse to walk away, well, then you know you’ve got to do something about it. If he won’t LET you just walk away, then you know that HE wants to do something about it. If he loves you, believe me, he’s not going to forget about you. Heh, not even close. And if he does forget, well, then you have your answer.
And remember — manslating is all about ACTIONS. And in an LDR, it’s easy to get caught up in the fact that due to the whole space-time continuum and the “not being in 2 places at once” thing, you’re mostly going to be seeing his WORDS.
Fight the urge to dissect what he says, and focus on what he DOES. Does he initiate contact? Is he trying to keep your relationship going? Not just talking, what is he DOING about this stuff? That’s what will tell the tale here.
Good luck, love or lonely. I say live your life, and if this relationship doesn’t let you do that, well, you have your answer.
What’s LorL’s best plan of attack here, ladies?
Posted: January 16th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Carly
Time January 16, 2009 at 11:55 am
Hell yeah! “less talk more action” – a sentence I feel I am in definite danger of over-doing where men-folk are concerned.
But ho hum, like the dude (Jeff – your the dude) says, it’s more of a case that you decide whats best for you and he can….. well he can decide if he wants to let that happen.
So I’m in your boat and have been for 2 YEARS!!! One minute head beats heart, then heart beats head (it’s 40 love and the game set and match is riding on this – i.e my flippin sanity).
I’ve taken the heady decision of verbally throwing up on the guy next time I see him. It’s gonna be a case of ‘This is what I think and why and I’ve stopped trying to understand you so I’m gonna say what I gotta say and at best try and leave with my dignity!’ I see this as a solution cause he’ll either go rather red and fill his pants (and not with a raging stonker) or he’ll confess his undying love and as the fairytales go….. personally I’m preparing for the ‘oh my god she’s a flippin pet-roasting crackpot who’s in love with me, delete her number, block her from facebook, but first things first get her out of my flat…. *ho hum* at least I’m prepared.
Didn’t mean to make this about me, I just wanted to share my grand master plan to see if it would inspire you too – you have SOOOO much going for you in this new environment, embrace it, and take strength from the contempt you are being shown!
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”
Brilliant closing line!!
Good luck Cherub xx
Comment from hunter
Time January 17, 2009 at 11:48 am
Another story of a couple going through the perfect period(3-4 months). I bet she thought she could handle it and is now having second thoughts. She got “crazy glued” at the short hair site. Unglueing is the tough part.
Comment from Ms. Single Mama
Time January 18, 2009 at 9:23 am
Jeff:
This is fantastic advice. Thank you so much for your candid thoughts on men. And so funny too!
And yes, ladies, all of this is spot on.
If he says he doesn’t want a relationship – that’s when you STOP contacting him. And prepare for the worst because it will take a lot for him to change his mind.
Question for you Jeff – why don’t guys just tell us that in the beginning that they don’t want a relationship? Is that a conscious decision for them NOT to tell us? That one has always perplexed me.
In other words – at the beginning – do they not know how they are feeling so they don’t tell you OR they know they don’t want a relationship and choose not to tell us so they can get some.
And ladies, we also have to pay attention to when the sweet nothings are whispered to us. Is he telling you when he’s sober and dressed or drunk and naked? And what are the words? Are they about your mind and your soul or your body?
Start paying attention and have more respect for yourself – you owe it to yourself to be with someone who is crazy about you.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 18, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Dears, All–
MasterJM’s “If you absolutely refuse to walk away, well, then you know you’ve got to do something about it”, is T-R-U-E!
Am still not cozy w/the *make ‘em miss ya* stuff, but if boats float, OK on Sundays.
Herecome methoughts on simple difference between being in-love and being in-lonely……
On *r’ship* boulevards, ‘love’ portion involves SomeONE. The ‘lonely’ portion involves ANYone. See differences there!
Of course, both significants need 2know what self + the other is ‘wanting’. IF only one of two knows [?or shares] what’s wanted, that’s platinum answer!
On another hand, if obsession [i.e., only wanting absolute health+joy 4the Other] creeps in–whoa!…could be truestLove!
Every warning above is “spot on”: Be a scout; be prepared! Beware of that 4th rail of r’shipping: Unrequited true love.
Condolences, Ms. love-or-lonely, if The *Beau* won’t fess!
Choose Joy4U. It really is best-best 2have loved than n-o-t!
Comment from hunter
Time January 18, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Ms. Single Mama, try not to ask a man how he “feels”. Please, ask a man what he “thinks”. Please, select the right time for these questions. Please, do not ask when he is driving at 60mph, or right before a job interview, etc.
Comment from hunter
Time January 18, 2009 at 11:12 pm
hi MMag!
Comment from The Seductress Within
Time January 20, 2009 at 1:30 pm
A man slut who tells you he loves you while drunk and also tells you he doesn’t want a relationship and who lives a great distance away doesn’t sound like the makings of a great beginning, middle or happy ending.
Take it for what it was, a fun fling and let go. You are young, in a new town and that can be scary and difficult. Which may be part of the reason you are holding on to something fun and familiar and romantizing that it is more than it is.
God forbid you move back and this dude dumps you. You’d hate yourself. Let him go.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 23, 2009 at 4:12 pm
hunterDear,
mmag sez: Ditto + Happy NewPresident!
2Bad, nonMultitask men aren’t branded!!
Comment from hunter
Time January 24, 2009 at 3:39 pm
hi MMag!,
Branded, yes, but, they are branded, its just that, most women do not see it….LOL!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 24, 2009 at 10:44 pm
hunterDear…
MayB so as Upose; sooo: Where2look!
On the other hand, Thee “branded” m-a-y offer delicacies of *focused attention*!
Happy Chomping!
Comment from hunter
Time January 25, 2009 at 10:44 am
I wouldn’t know, I won’t chase men!…..LOL!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 25, 2009 at 4:51 pm
DearU, ‘h’–
Got mme there; unless Umeant: “won’t chase” ever again! LOL…back2U!
…Sooo we’ll let Uboyz have TheFun!
Comment from hunter
Time January 25, 2009 at 6:26 pm
You are right…..I need to say, never have and never will…!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 26, 2009 at 12:28 am
Dear ‘h’,
Roger–mme gets it; Will sin noMore!
Clarity is an ultimate OohLaLa+hhmmm!
Comment from Jewel
Time March 24, 2009 at 9:26 pm
My friend always told me something that I value uo to date”When people tell you who they are,listen”What am I hearing here… man slut…. doesnt want a relationship….. what else are you looking for here…I think that you should focus on your move,new town,new opportunities and I think that you should embrace this new phase and use it to heal,recover and move on.Am not sure what you want,but he has made it clear what he wants and I think you have all the answers you need to make a decision.Good luck I know it can be tough especially since you are in a new place,but make that challenge and opportunity and you will be great:)
Pingback from another day « World Goes Round
Time August 20, 2009 at 8:57 am
[...] been reading manslations. it’s a good blog. but it’s an ‘over’ blog, [...]
Comment from Melly
Time October 18, 2009 at 11:30 pm
My 5 cents: I’d be careful if I were you L-or-L and take’s Jeff’s advice about leaving the wind to determine where this ship sails. The whole “I care about you but don’t want a relationship” is not uncommon and for good reason. My personal experience with men like that, even to the point of using the “L” word, suggesting we get married etc just shows how far some men will go to keep you tied to their bedpost.
It sounds to me like this guy might just be trying to maintain what appears like a relationship, so when you meet up again he can get what he wants while still feeding you the “I told you I don’t want a relationship line”. Always keep your options open!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 21, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Dear Ms. Melly,
MerciBouquets 4sharing good insights.
Can add a replay of Prof. JM’s words: “..when has love ever been foolproof..” [ca. 06/27/09].
Rereading Your+His words reaffirmed thinking that being *lonely* isn’t a naturally vulgar, disdainful condition. Loneliness can be an opening or an obstruction to being *loving*. In a way, that’s practical and that’s a Goodthing!
Could any of Us be loving, really–w/o some sense of loneliness to ignite a sense that some sense of Love is missing or desirable! Have noticed that receptivity to Love is most difficult when there’s no sense of an absence, as in a loneliness. Be cautious of *extremes*.
Thus and So…It’s okay to welcome loneliness, even as strangest bedfellow.
Love, Cheers!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 22, 2009 at 8:27 am
Dear Professor JM and All!
oops2lapse: There IS a “when” when love is foolproof.
Yep….this is a (well)paid advertisement:
A *human* fool is proof of Godly Love.
…..A round of Alleluia for everyone!
Comment from King Agilaen
Time September 19, 2010 at 10:40 pm
If you love a person or if you are lonely, you do the same thing, you express yourself but in a different way that can be bad or good to other person.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 20, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Greetings–All Dears!
Dear “King (man-in-house) Agilaen”,
Happy to have your back–nearly totally!
Acts of both *Love* and *Loneliness* DO mimic, intersect, and duplicate!
The gods have fun with us, There!
Also can agree that interpretations of the *badness* or *goodness* of expressed Love DO rest at/depend on the recipient. That has to be Her [or His] Call!
The difference between being *loving* and being *lonely* rest at/depend on the Feelings [after! expression completed] held by the one who expresses.
Truly, our final Feelings can prove to us which of the *L* words apply. Love exists if we Feel some sense of peace, joy, fulfillment—after any expression!
On one hand, the recipient DOES define whether our Love is for good or for bad– for the recipient!
However, like the unwritten rule that she who pays for pizza eats the last piece: The one who expresses Love defines the best part of Love–Love’s Quality.
Romantic Love will create joy and peace for two persons, or–at least, for One!
Romantic Loneliness is incapable of creating joy and peace for anyOne–at all!
Truly, our Hearts can tell us whether we are being loving or lonely! Problems arise when brains ignore hearts!
Happy First Marriage… of Brains&Hearts!
Comment from Sherlyn Ocampo
Time September 26, 2010 at 8:21 pm
When you love a person or if you are lonely, you actually do the same thing but you will deny in the end that you had done something that is not good.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 26, 2010 at 8:45 pm
Dear Sherlyn…and all Dears!
4Sure, acts of Love are the “same” whether from true… Love OR Loneliness!
4sure, acts of Love are innately “good” regardless if wolf wears lambswool!
Problems multiply when we “deny” Truth of … Love OR Loneliness!
Despite what turnips, lettuce love Truth!
Comment from AnneZ
Time January 16, 2009 at 9:16 am
Strongly endorse the young lady’s parting line, “You guys think you are so simple…but you’re not!”
AMEN, SISTER!