When the Fade isn’t Good Enough For Her
Got a question from Amber about…well, it’s about how to get dumped a little better. She’s tired of these guys — guys with whom she’s spent some significant amount of time — pulling the ol’ Fade on her. Otherwise known as “The ol’ Jeff Mac.” Yes, yes, I used to be a Fader. Or “coward” if you’re into the whole accuracy thing.
Amber knows these relationships are over, but she wants…well, what DOES she want, exactly? Let’s find out…
That would be: Terror of clinging.
If you contact a guy who’s in fade mode, you’re going to have to overcome the fact that he’s going to be POSITIVE that you’re trying to hang onto him. Why? Because he’s already terrified of that. That’s why he’s fading in the first place, instead of being direct with you, right?
So you’re going to have to defuse that immediate reaction. The way to do this is to be clear and direct, “Listen, I get that you’re pulling back — that’s ok with me. I mean, it blows, but it is what it is. I’m not trying to talk you into staying or whatever. The reason I’m calling/emailing is…”
#2: AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION
Starting out in such a way that the fade just doesn’t fit.
To prevent it from going down this way, I think you can lay some groundwork from the beginning. I often refer to this as “keeping the airlocks open.”
The idea here is that WHATEVER’s going on between you, keep it out in the open. Doesn’t mean that every tiny moment, thought, feeling has to be actually verbalized. There’s a difference between PRIVACY and SECRECY, though.
The point is, just don’t let something turn the two of you into two people hermetically sealed off from one another, each a lonely little veggie in your own weird little tupperware module, thinking, “Hrm…wonder what’s going on in that OTHER container? What is that, are those carrots over there?” It’s not about verbal diarrhea (or any other kind of diarrhea, for that matter). It’s simply about being honest and open about where you’re at, right from the start.
Now, this might actually end things more quickly in some situations. Many situations, actually. I mean, most relationships aren’t the one that’s going to work out. One of those less-than-ideal relationships will react to total openness in the way that, oh, a murderer reacts to a lethal injection. It happens pretty quick.
But at least it’ll be direct, you know?
#3: BE CLEARER THAN YOU THINK YOU NEED TO BE
I’d say that if you don’t know already, you need to figure out exactly what you want from him (other than “more than THIS crap”) and ask him for it.
No, seriously. Ask for it by name. Directly. I swear. If you contact this fading man, and you say, “Listen, we’re not going to see each other, I get that, but here’s the thing — could you just tell me…” Again, I’m not sure what you’re looking for, but that’s where you ask for it.
Maybe it’s just some acknowledgment that the relationship actually OCCURRED, maybe? As in, “I’m not crazy, we used to be dating, right? And then we stopped, yes? Can we, you know, just say that?” Maybe some respect for having shown up? You know, like when two teams shake hands after a brutal game, “Good game. Good game. Good game.” Just some sportsmanship, for god’s sake, people.
I don’t know what it is that you need. But whatever it is, I’d say the more respectful and congenial you can keep it, the better your response will be.
I know, I know, why do you have to be so nice to HIM when he’s the one doing the fade? Well…you don’t have to do anything. But you WANT something from him, so the more you can avoid poking the fear in him that caused him to resort to the Fade in the first place, the better your shot.
OH, AND ALL BREAKUPS UP BITE THE BIG ONE, BY THE WAY
And I’m sorry about that. Especially on behalf of all the Faders in the world. It’s cowardly, and if we were in the same room and you were to start acting like a chicken and saying, “Bwauk! Bwauk! Bwauuuuuuk!” at me in a taunting manner, well, I would have no rebuttal.
And I do know that it’s not too much consolation to think, “Well, he’s not The One then.” All I can tell you is that he’s NEVER going to guess what you’re after unless you tell him. Ever. I mean, you wrote me this email, and I’m not sure myself. You’re going to have to go right for it. Who knows — you might actually make him a better man for the next time he breaks up with someone. Seriously.
Ever gotten more than a Fade from a Fader? How’d you do it?
Posted: January 19th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from LA Lady
Time January 19, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I recently dealt with this too. Right up front I said that “if at any time this relationship is not working for you, please give me the courtasy to tell me and don’t just go poof and disappear”. He said that is a very resonable ground rule and yet, when I hit a tough patch (beloved pet died) he did a vanishing act, after 6 months of dating weekly.
Then a month later I sent an email saying “well I guess we are through, haven’t heard from you in a long while, have a good life”. I got back a long email with lame excuses as to why he hadn’t been in contact (everything from he “lost my phone number” to he was in his “cave”) but he wanted to pick up where we left off. I figured I had been very clear up front what kind of behavior I expected, and he hadn’t followed the rules as we agreed to them. He got a polite “gee you broke the rules and only have lame excuses” email from me and I again wished him a good life. Last contact was another email saying there were things I didn’t understand, but if I ever want to go out again to call him. It isn’t going to happen on my end.
I hate being so black and white, but I have been on the receiving end of the fade too many times, and then several times received the let’s do it again emails. The behavior repeated itself again.
The moral of the story for me is that you can try to be upfront with what you need and lay good communiction ground rules, but it won’t always work. When it doesn’t it is a huge sign that the guy isn’t worth your time, and to move on to greener pastures.
Comment from Dallas Darling
Time January 19, 2009 at 5:51 pm
LA Lady, I am glad that you were upfront with your fader. I am sorry that he “put the ball in your court” for you to call him back. It’s like he had to have the last word or something. Basically, you were upfront and he wasn’t when he agreed to be. You were totally right in ending the relationship. I think a guy is ultimately scared of that one big fight where they do everything wrong and a woman will yell at him endlessly. Therefore, he doesn’t know what to do with a woman that says, “If you be cool, then I’ll be cool, deal?” I can understand why a man would be scared like that. I’ve seen my friends put guys through the ringer for the smallest things (leaving the underware drawer open, leaving the porchlight on, accelerating the car too quickly, etc.). These are usually things I see in relationships and if I were a guy, I wouldn’t be interested in sticking around either. I guess they are waiting for us to turn the corner and nag the hell out of them. They are sort of confused by a settled woman who wants mutual respect from the start.
With all of that said, I trust that with time guys will understand that not all women are created to nag them to the grave.
Comment from Sara
Time January 19, 2009 at 6:11 pm
I’ve had a fader too. It just feels so lame that after you shared so much, he could just stop contact without an explanation. I know I couldn’t do that to a guy, because I feel like I would owe him an explanation. So why don’t guys feel the same way?
What I have done in the past is “played dumb”. Very rarely, a guy who just leaves contact actually *does* have a good reason. So I want to give that guy a chance to be the rare one. After awhile, leave just one message or send one e-mail saying, “Hey, haven’t heard from you in awhile, I just want to make sure everything is ok. Would you like to get together again sometime?” That way, he’s forced to give you some kind of answer (at least, you hope so). Then the dialogue can start.
Good luck with your faders. Someone needs to tell them to stop sucking.
Comment from Another LA Chick
Time January 19, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I’m not saying that this is what you do, but I think that sometimes it IS important for us to take a look at the way we are projecting ourselves. When it happens once or twice, maybe it’s just the guy being deuchy; if it seems to happen just about every time you meet somebody you think is great, then maybe it’s something YOU’RE doing to get ‘the brush off’.
A great example — I had a friend out here who seemed to always have the same problem, and could never understand why she couldn’t seem to keep a guy around for very long at all. She was beautiful, smart, fun, funny…but she was also a ball-buster, she had a negative self-image, she had some MAJOR insecurities — and those things clouded what a wonderful person she actually is…She constantly talked about herself, but it was usually about how badly she wanted a nose job/boob job. She would get upset if we’d go out for ‘girls night out’ and she didn’t walk away with a phone number from one of the guys at the bar. She would complain when her friends were getting hit on but she wasn’t. Again, she was a beautiful girl, but the men couldn’t see past her desperation!
My point is, maybe it is the men in LA — they do tend to be flakey here. But maybe it’s something that you’re projecting to these men. A good start might be waiting more than ‘several dates’ to start sleeping with these guys your going out with — if they’ve already milked the cow, why would they want to buy the barn?! Try waiting more than several dates before introducing him to your friends — that’s a lot of pressure to put on a guy! That says ‘Hey buddy! I’m SERIOUS here….’ when maybe he’s just not ready for that (yet).
Good luck in your dating search. LA certainly can be a tough place!
Comment from Amber
Time January 20, 2009 at 1:18 am
Thanks for the comments and suggestions; they are swell and I’m definitely going to try some of them. LA is a haven for Faders. And Jeff, thanks for answering my question.
Comment from AnneZ
Time January 20, 2009 at 10:26 am
Most important thing I have to say is to LA Lady. He disappeared when your pet died? Are you kidding me? After 6 months together he couldn’t be man enough to be there for you to cry on his shoulder a little? Even if he already wanted out, he couldn’t keep some human compassion at the forefront? After 6 months, you’d think he’d be just a wee bit fond of the pet himself.
Good riddance. If you stayed with him, you’d spend your life being “patient” with all his “issues” and his “cave” and his neverending list of excuses as to why he’s not there for you. He’d NEVER be there for you.
I’m very sorry you lost your little one. Keep your heart open for some gentleman who wouldn’t think of letting you go through that alone.
Comment from The Seductress Within
Time January 20, 2009 at 1:42 pm
“I’ve been out with several times, slept with, introduced to my friends, etc. It’s not enough for me to say, ‘well, his silence IS communication enough, guess he’s not the right one.’ So frustrating, rrrrrr.”
The fade would sting a lot less if you didn’t invest so much so soon. This is not a judgement against sex or you. It’s about self protecting. You slept with and introduced to your friends, etc…virtual strangers.
Think about it. 4-5 dates is barely knowing someone. How do you know they were even worth having sex with or meeting friends/family? Obviously they weren’t.
Of course it’s going to sting when you invest your body and life in a man who then disappears. So don’t do it.
Get to know men slower. There will always be faders right, wrong or indifferent so take your time.
When what you are doing isn’t working, change what you’re doing.
Comment from LA Lady
Time January 20, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Very interesting thread here. Dallas Darling I so agree – men don’t know how to deal with a woman that isn’t going to have a melt down over the petty stuff. They have been conditioned to be constantly alert to minor infractions that can cause an arguement. I don’t sweat the small stuff, and that seems to unnerve them.
Another LA Chick also has a good point. How we project ourselves does make a difference in how we are treated. At this point I have to be careful not to project that all men will disappoint me in a major way. Unfortunately the pickings are kind of slim out here in LA, when you want someone with values and character.
Anne Z – thanks for the validation. His lack of compassion was the real reason it was “over” for me. You are so correct that his issues would have been front and center forever. Who needs that? Not me!
Finally to the Seductress Within – You are right on the money. Taking a new relationship slowly is the best way. You learn so much more about someone before you start an intimate relationship, men that aren’t in to you enough to wait aren’t worth the effort either.
Great comments ladies!
Comment from Katrin
Time January 20, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Haha I love reading about all the LA gals – my fader LIVES in LA but I live in NYC (where men are probably just as bad actually) But I feel like this LA guy was way flakier than what I was used to. In NY you get faders, but they usually are smarter and at least more witty in terms of excuses 
I think men are nicer in LA altogether – NYers can be prime angry douchebags.
Comment from Katrin
Time January 19, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I had a fader. Of the worst kind. Meaning, that he was literally head over heels adoring of me insane lovey dovey crazy 90mph and then all of a sudden NOTHING. maybe one text. I guess this was more of a black out than a fade, but still. The worst part is that i knew the rules, that if I contacted crazily, he would think – crazy clingy lady. But at the same time, he was just a week before Mr. Crazy in love man. So…point is? Fear paralyzes dudes into very bizarre behavior. I know i did nothing wrong, I do know that he got terrified of committing and couldn’t do it in the end. Fading sucks, best is sit down, heart felt communication. At least that way you feel like yes – the game was played well and that you will remember it and you will respect it.