Another LA Chick also has a good point. How we project ourselves does make a difference in how we are treated. At this point I have to be careful not to project that all men will disappoint me in a major way. Unfortunately the pickings are kind of slim out here in LA, when you want someone with values and character.

Anne Z – thanks for the validation. His lack of compassion was the real reason it was “over” for me. You are so correct that his issues would have been front and center forever. Who needs that? Not me!

Finally to the Seductress Within – You are right on the money. Taking a new relationship slowly is the best way. You learn so much more about someone before you start an intimate relationship, men that aren’t in to you enough to wait aren’t worth the effort either.

Great comments ladies!

The fade would sting a lot less if you didn’t invest so much so soon. This is not a judgement against sex or you. It’s about self protecting. You slept with and introduced to your friends, etc…virtual strangers.

Think about it. 4-5 dates is barely knowing someone. How do you know they were even worth having sex with or meeting friends/family? Obviously they weren’t.

Of course it’s going to sting when you invest your body and life in a man who then disappears. So don’t do it.

Get to know men slower. There will always be faders right, wrong or indifferent so take your time.

When what you are doing isn’t working, change what you’re doing.

Good riddance. If you stayed with him, you’d spend your life being “patient” with all his “issues” and his “cave” and his neverending list of excuses as to why he’s not there for you. He’d NEVER be there for you.

I’m very sorry you lost your little one. Keep your heart open for some gentleman who wouldn’t think of letting you go through that alone.

A great example — I had a friend out here who seemed to always have the same problem, and could never understand why she couldn’t seem to keep a guy around for very long at all. She was beautiful, smart, fun, funny…but she was also a ball-buster, she had a negative self-image, she had some MAJOR insecurities — and those things clouded what a wonderful person she actually is…She constantly talked about herself, but it was usually about how badly she wanted a nose job/boob job. She would get upset if we’d go out for ‘girls night out’ and she didn’t walk away with a phone number from one of the guys at the bar. She would complain when her friends were getting hit on but she wasn’t. Again, she was a beautiful girl, but the men couldn’t see past her desperation!

My point is, maybe it is the men in LA — they do tend to be flakey here. But maybe it’s something that you’re projecting to these men. A good start might be waiting more than ‘several dates’ to start sleeping with these guys your going out with — if they’ve already milked the cow, why would they want to buy the barn?! Try waiting more than several dates before introducing him to your friends — that’s a lot of pressure to put on a guy! That says ‘Hey buddy! I’m SERIOUS here….’ when maybe he’s just not ready for that (yet).

Good luck in your dating search. LA certainly can be a tough place!

What I have done in the past is “played dumb”. Very rarely, a guy who just leaves contact actually *does* have a good reason. So I want to give that guy a chance to be the rare one. After awhile, leave just one message or send one e-mail saying, “Hey, haven’t heard from you in awhile, I just want to make sure everything is ok. Would you like to get together again sometime?” That way, he’s forced to give you some kind of answer (at least, you hope so). Then the dialogue can start.

Good luck with your faders. Someone needs to tell them to stop sucking.

With all of that said, I trust that with time guys will understand that not all women are created to nag them to the grave.

Then a month later I sent an email saying “well I guess we are through, haven’t heard from you in a long while, have a good life”. I got back a long email with lame excuses as to why he hadn’t been in contact (everything from he “lost my phone number” to he was in his “cave”) but he wanted to pick up where we left off. I figured I had been very clear up front what kind of behavior I expected, and he hadn’t followed the rules as we agreed to them. He got a polite “gee you broke the rules and only have lame excuses” email from me and I again wished him a good life. Last contact was another email saying there were things I didn’t understand, but if I ever want to go out again to call him. It isn’t going to happen on my end.

I hate being so black and white, but I have been on the receiving end of the fade too many times, and then several times received the let’s do it again emails. The behavior repeated itself again.

The moral of the story for me is that you can try to be upfront with what you need and lay good communiction ground rules, but it won’t always work. When it doesn’t it is a huge sign that the guy isn’t worth your time, and to move on to greener pastures.